Dating :: Things that make me swipe left

Years ago some of you asked me to talk about dating and I wasn't really ready to do so. Now with enough stories to fill a trilogy I'll share some of the best of the best and the worst of the worst.

I wrote this a couple of years ago. It really is the best way to sum up the world of online dating. Of course it's best to look at it with humor. Because it really is quite amusing.

***

Dating sucks. 

It’s exhausting.

I hate the lying.

I hate the posturing.

I hate people pretending to be what they’re not.

I hate pretending to be interested when I am not. 

But before the actual date there are thousands upon thousands of picture to sort through. 

It all starts with an image. 

Personal preferences aside, we all have certain qualities that we are attracted to, but there are deal breakers. We all have them. I have them.

In the world where dating begins with a swipe I have a few personal rules, and they are:

Just one picture. I always wonder why. 

Blurry images. Again, why?

No words. Swipe Left.

This tells me you simply can’t be bothered.

Certain words. Swipe Left.

But these are the main culprits:

Bathroom selfie. Swipe Left.

Bathroom selfie in a towel. Swipe Left. Even if you’re in great shape.

Gym rat shot. Swipe left.

Lying on/in the bed shot. Swipe left.

Posing in front of an expensive sports car (that you don’t own.) Swipe left.

Posing with dogs. Swipe left.

Posing with fish. Swipe left.

Posing with fish on a boat. Don’t even…

Posing with children (that aren’t your own.) Swipe left.

Posing with tank top/wife beater shirt on. Swipe left. Fast.

(Please try to make a good first impression!)

Photos that are clearly 10 years old. What’s the point?

Photos that are clearly older than 10 years old. Again, what’s the point?

Tats. Nope. Swipe left. (But that’s my personal preference.) 

Any man that poses. Hands on hips. Like a teenage girl. Swipe left. Now. 

With friends. In every single picture. Which one is you? Swipe. Left.

Unusually up-close photos. I don’t want to see half your face or up your nose. Left.

If we were to meet in person, at a restaurant, bar or even a party would you show up shirtless in a towel? 

In gym clothes while flexing your muscles? 

Wearing a bathing suit?

With a fish on a boat? 

With a few kids borrowed from brothers, sisters or friends? 

With an expensive sports car you’ve borrowed from a dealer? 

Personal preferences aside, I’m looking for someone who’s genuine. 

Who’s not afraid to be an individual. 

Who can express what he wants succinctly.

Who is smart and educated.

Funny with a little bit of an edge.

I’m looking for someone who can write in complete, articulate sentences. 
Who can tell me more than how much he loves moonlight walks on the beach. (Ugh)

I’m looking for someone who won’t say he’s looking for someone who can wear jeans and a little black dress (Again, Ugh)

Especially when he’s not seen a tux since his high school prom… 

Assuming that he went to the high school prom,

and graduated from high school…

I’m looking for that foodie who isn’t afraid to try new things, with a complex and diverse preference. 

(Yes, I’ve met more than my fair share of fussy foodies.)

I’m looking for someone who is as well-rounded and cultured as he claims to be. 

So many frauds here!

I’m looking for someone who is caring.

Kind.

Considerate.

A gentle soul. 

Well read. And written.

Who can email and text without needing to rely on emojis and acronyms.

Who can talk about art. And travel. Among other things.

Who can teach me a few things.

Who can appreciate good food and wine.

And a good dive bar.

Who can appreciate the beauty in all facets of urban decay and graffiti as much as he can Matisse, Cezanne, DeKooning or Klee.

I am looking for someone who truly appreciates all the same things I do.

He’ll say it on his profile.

He won’t be wearing a towel or shirtless or posing with a huge sea bass or Husky or scantily-clad hussy in a barely-there bikini, 

Or posing in front of a Ferrari.

He might be in a suit. 

Or shirt and jeans.

But his eyes will definitely be kind and twinkly.

His smile will be genuine.

And when I see him I will swipe right.