Don't judge a book by its cover...

Don’t judge a book by its cover.  No one has the right to do this. You don’t know the struggles your neighbor or friend is really facing. You may have some idea but when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, to the sordid details you have no idea. It’s not right to pretend. You might be able to assume you do, but most likely there is a lot you don’t know. Most of my friends don’t know me. They don’t really don’t know me. As open as I am there’s a lot I really do keep private. This is partially because it’s no one's business but my own, partially because I have spent so many years justifying and, partially because I don’t want to impose my troubles on others. For these reasons it’s not fair to make accusations and assumptions.

I am strong… very strong. I am stronger than I was twenty years ago. I am stronger than I was ten years ago, than I was five years ago. I am probably even stronger than I was yesterday.

I walk around with my head held high. I always have a smile on my face. Inside this is not always the case, however. My private self cries a lot. But I do not let my private self leave my house. I do not want pity or empathy. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. Compassion and understanding are wonderful things, however.

I am, on the outside, not the same person I am on the inside. I carry myself well. I am well put together and take care and pride in my appearance. I think looking well is the key to success and happiness. I’m not saying one has to dress in haute couture, but tidy, clean and stylish can be done at minimal cost. I dress like I have money. At the moment I have none. Yes, none. Nada. Zilch. I am lucky in that I do have a nice wardrobe to sustain me. I have always looked for clean, classic pieces that are well made and never go out of style. I almost never pay full price. I am careful and conscientious. I take care of myself and watch my weight. My weight never fluctuates much so that my clothing size doesn’t change much. I have some pieces that are 20 years old! How I look has a significant impact on how I feel. Certainly there are days that are trying, and there are those days when I am down in the dumps and it is easier to walk around in a pair of yoga pants and T-shirt. But I can only wallow for so long.

Sometimes I snap out of my funk naturally and sometimes I really have to force myself to do so. I went out to dinner on Tuesday night. I almost cancelled. But I was being taken to a very nice restaurant. I knew it was what I needed. As red and swollen and as bloodshot as my eyes were that day I went against my desire to stay home and hide beneath my covers. I knew that getting out would be good for me. I knew that having something upbeat and positive to talk about would be a nice change of pace. It would be good for my mind. I knew a lovely meal out would be good for my soul. And so, I jumped into the shower and spent a long time there. I embraced the steam and the heat and the pounding of the hot water against my back. I washed my hair and conditioned it. I shaved… my legs, arms and bikini area. I used a wonderful homemade lemon salt scrub. I managed to wash some of the blues down the drain.

I blew my hair dry and put on some make up. In lieu of my usual uniform of jeans, boots and a pretty blouse, I donned a little black dress with a pair of high heeled knee high boots. A pair of pearl earrings and suddenly I looked, and felt like a million dollars.

Some people think they know me. They think that because I dress well and drive a nice car that I am materialistic and spoiled. I am terrified of my finances, present and future. I have cut back as much as possible. I have cut back on the children as much as possible without affecting their lives too much. I am doing all that I can and the best I can. Many people are giving me advice. It’s all wonderful, certainly, and some of these ideas I will put to use down the road, but many of these ideas are not applicable for now… for me, for my life and for my children. I don’t ever try to tell others how to live their lives or parent their other children, and when I am told how to run my life I do get a little bit upset. I know my reality and I know my numbers.  I am neither stupid nor ignorant. I have met with specialists and lawyers. My actions are carefully calculated these days. I cannot live carelessly or frivolously. I am well aware of this. I am doing the best I can to live and take care of myself and my children during this situation. I know my world is changing. I know everything that I had is no more.  I am scared. I am hopeful.

XOXO

Jessica