Bone Tired

Bone Tired
(Image via http://in2013cris.blogspot.com/)

I don't know how else to explain it other than saying I am bone tired. It's more than being groggy or sleepy, or the kind of exhausted one gets from traveling overseas, or running around non-stop, or pulling an all nighter. With those, generally speaking, after a night or two of sound sleep, you're pretty much back to normal. Bone Tired is extreme. It's being so tired that you can't sleep. It's being so tired that you often feel as though you're carrying a stack of bricks on your back, or pulling weights on your feet with each and every step. It's wanting to close your eyes all the time. It's fighting to stay awake while at work, at the grocery store... while doing the most simple of things. It's wanting to drop everything and everyone and crawl into bed. But this kind of tired can't be remedied. Or slept away.

I am talking about it because it is a symptom of Fibromyalgia and it is my greatest obstacle. There are so many symptoms and it's such an odd illness because it can affect everyone so differently. I can (for the most part) deal with the pain, the soreness, the achy muscles and stiff joints. I can deal with pain that slides down my neck, around my shoulders, down my back and around my hips. I can deal with the incredibly bizarre burning sensations that often affects my hands, legs and feet. I can deal with the extreme dry and itchy skin. I can deal with light sensitivity. And the headaches that result from that or from my stiff neck and shoulders. I can (for the most part) deal with the godawful syndrome known as Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) where your legs are constantly wanting to move.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the brain fog that comes along with Fibromyalgia and with being over exhausted. But I absolutely cannot deal with the chronic, constant, bone-deep, exhaustion that accompanies me everywhere. I cannot afford to be this tired. I cannot let it stop me in my tracks. I refuse to do so. But I will admit to it absolutely slowing me down. This exhaustion has a hold on me and it's not showing any signs of letting go.

I do everything I am supposed to do. I have stopped watching screens in bed, instead I listen to audio books. I've become addicted. It's the perfect way for me to enjoy the books I so love to read when my eyes are too blurry by day's end, or when the light is simply too bright for them. I set a timer, usually 15 minutes and allow myself to be lulled to sleep. With the great reads however, I am eager to learn more and it takes me a bit longer to settle in. Even though caffeine truly doesn't affect me, I have stopped my afternoon cup of coffee. I have no desire to give up my evening rosé, though! I crawl into bed nearly the same time every night. I bring a cold bottle of water to bed with me in case I wake up thirsty. I get up at the same time every day, which is pretty damned early. Sometimes I lie in bed for a few minutes, but more often than not I force myself out of bed and drag my stiff body to the kitchen. I marvel at the fact that I feel 90 and I am only 50. I know that the stiffness will soon dissipate. I keep moving to limber up.

As I make my coffee I do a few simple Barre moves, using the edge of the counter for support. Within minutes the stiffness is almost completely gone. The exhaustion, however, is not. Coffee, for me, is really more of a ritual than anything else. I have been known to pass out after 2 cups of espresso!

I need to ease into my day slowly and gracefully for I am no longer that jump-out-of-bed-bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed girl. I actually don't mind. I enjoy sipping my coffee in the calm before the morning chaos. I enjoy watching the morning sky turn from the deepest shade of blue to bright orange and pink, to the paler hue of blue that signals morning's true arrival. It is accompanied by the birds that sing while breakfasting at our feeders, and the melodious tones of the cicadas, peepers, crickets, and the rush of cars on the highway in the background that almost sounds like the sound of the ocean, if you close your eyes and imagine it to.

They say that exercise is most important in combating the bone-deep fatigue and I do believe this to be true. It is too easy to give into the exhaustion, and those who do tend to have the most difficult times performing the most basic of tasks. I never want that to happen to me. I intend to live my life fully and with purpose. I was given a second chance and I am not about to mess that up.

No matter how tired I am I drag myself out because I know that although I am slow to start I gradually get stronger and faster, so that by the end of my workout I am full of energy. Exercise is such an important part of my day that if I miss it, I am completely thrown off, both mentally and physically.

The only day I "take off" is Sunday. That's the one day I allow myself to have a relaxing and leisurely morning. This is not to say that I am inactive, it is simply to say this is my one day off from the gym. I do have to be careful because over exercising can backfire and I often love to take back-to-back classes. I love the combination of Spin and Pilates - one for cardio and strength, the other for lengthening and flexibility. But sometimes this causes overexertion.

Last week I attended a bootcamp style class (full body circuit training) where we were timed for rowing and boxing in addition to working with kettle bells and bands. It was gruelling to say the least and I followed that with a high intensity spin class and I absolutely loved it! But I may have overdone it slightly and when I got home I passed out on the couch, still sweaty, for I was much too exhausted to even make it to the shower. I do tend to push myself - much more so lately than in the past. I want to be the best that I can be. I want to be the best that I can be for my children. I'd also like to be an inspiration for others. Because if I can do it, anyone can!

Fibromyalgia is a strange thing. But I do believe that mindset is so important here. It can be debilitating but we have the power to push through. Mind over matter is a term my mother used a lot growing up. I'm not saying that it will make everything disappear, but it will certainly make things more manageable and for a better life.