getting there...

I'm behind again. I am struggling lately to keep up with my blogs. It's not that I have nothing to think about or write about, but, rather, that I haven't quite figured out how to divide my time properly. Whenever I sit down to compose something over here I get swallowed up by this giant, black, empty vortex. I simply cannot write. I cannot create. My ideas and my words don't seem to flow. In regards to work projects looming deadlines and money are huge motivators. So for some reason, while I can still struggle with creativity and style, the words somehow always seem to flow. I may not like those that have originally appeared onto the page, but they can always be reworked and eventually end up sounding halfway decent.

Over the course of the month I have celebrated a Birthday (was going to write about that) and I have celebrated the passing of a wedding anniversary as a divorced woman (was going to write about that as well.) I recently read an article by a young, happily married man denouncing divorce and said that he'd never get one. This angered me so. (I was going to write about that too.)

As I hit another milestone, I've been thinking a lot about my own life...  about my dating struggles and celebrations - I was going to write about those too. I was going to share some of the items on my summer bucket list... but I just haven't been able to find the words. I really have no idea why. I've never shied away from the personal. I've never had a hard time revealing my vulnerable side, for we all have our vulnerable sides and our insecurities. I'm not alone in my thoughts or feelings and that's one of the reasons I sought to create this blog in the first place - to share my own triumphs and tribulations with you, so that you would know that you were not alone.

I realize that I've come so far in the past two years. And yet I still have miles more to travel. Emotionally, intellectually, even physically, I have grown and gotten stronger. I know what it is I am looking for and what's important to me. Do you? I am quite certain that in that area I have found all the answers. But my life today remains much as it was a couple of years ago. I thought that would have changed. I thought in that regard I would have moved on. I thought that in that regard I might be a bit more steady on my feet. And I am realizing now that things take longer, sometimes, than anticipated. Time is important and a key factor. The saying that timing is everything has never rung truer. It really is - Timing must be right and the stars must be aligned. It's just the way it is. Everything can look good on paper, but if the timing is off nothing changes. I have learned, among so many things, about the importance of time and timing. In trying to figure out timing I am learning about patience, something that is not one of my virtues. But good things do come to those who wait... I believe that... sort of!

Over the past two years I've also struggled with my role as mother-slash-single mother. As all mothers are bound to feel, I have often felt as though I have let down my children. Their lives have changed. They have to miss out on a lot of opportunities and experiences. Gone are the swimming lessons and all the lessons. Gone are the trips. Gone are the experiences that are integral to childhood. It has nothing to do with material possessions - nothing at all - for I was never one to get too attached to things and I have always wanted my children to value people, life and experiences. I hope one day to be able to offer them whatever experiences they want - whether it has to do with a sport, music or travel. Meantime I do the best I can to raise good, respectable and respectful kids. Manners go a long way and I want them to be ready for whatever life may one day offer them.

This afternoon I was out with my boys running errands. We had two large carts loaded up with all sorts of gardening goodies - soil, a corn plant, a cucumber plant, assorted herbs, a blueberry plant, sunflowers, dahlias, and a few other items. The purpose was two-fold - to better the look of the back yard and to give the boys some projects and responsibilities. While I had my younger one with me, my older one was off getting the two large bags of soil. When he came back an older woman came up to me and told me that my son had helped her out. She wanted to thank me for raising a kind and respectable boy - that she doesn't come across many these days. I thanked her for coming over to tell me. I was proud, but not surprised. That's just the kind of kid he is.

A little while later after our plantings were all safely tucked away into the car, we went to get a few grocery items. We had just finished sampling some lemonade when my youngest came running over to me excitedly. Inadvertently he darted in front of, and cutting off an elderly man pushing a shopping cart. Even though it was unintentional I gently scolded my child and reminded him that he needed to be aware of his surroundings and other people's spaces. (It was probably the 6th time I had to remind him that afternoon.) After I had done so an older Asian woman came up to me and thanked me for disciplining my child. Too often, she told me, parents let their kids get away with behaviours they shouldn't. Children need to be taught of they won't grow up knowing right from wrong. I see that a little bit now. Anyhow, I thought, despite my own shortcomings and failures, that I really am doing something right. It felt good. My kids are going to be OK. I'm going to be OK. We're all going to be OK.

And so, I suppose this is all part of my crazy journey towards self discovery and beyond. And sometimes small things happen and if we choose to take notice we will all see the progress, improvement and growth. Our challenges are just lessons to be learned to resolve on our own. I hope that this crazy journey is a kind one and takes me and my children to a place of beauty, calm, tranquility and inspiration. Until I we get there, I will make sure that seat-belts are securely fastened and we will anxiously await at all the bumps still to come. We will handle them with patience, grace and dignity, hoping of course, for the smoothest ride possible.