a midlife blessing...

I tend to get very introspective this time of year. It was this time nearly 4 years ago that I knew I had to change my life. It was this time 2 years ago that my marriage was legally ended. A lot has happened in 4 years. A lot has happened in 2 years. I've changed a lot in 4 years. I've changed even more in the past two. I've grown. I've matured. I've become even more steadfast in my convictions, desires and motivations to succeed and grow and live and thrive. As I look back I can see that despite my passions and curiosities I was terribly lost and confused. There's a lot I still don't know. I don't know where I am headed (not to be confused with not knowing where I want to be.) I don't know how these cards will all pan out. In fact, I know that there's just so much I don't know and life is about learning and I intend to learn all that I can. If I've learned one thing I've learned that everything I have is a blessing. I'm not lost. Confused. I'm not dazed. I am very much aware of where I am, what I am and who I am. I call this a blessing. Perhaps I should call it a mid life blessing.

When I told my husband I wanted a divorce, he thought I was crazy. He told me I wasn't thinking properly and that I must be having some sort of midlife crisis. He thought that I would come to my senses again one day. After all, why would any woman want to break up a family, and lose the security of a home, shelter and family. Why would a woman want to give up happiness? Unless... unless of course the woman wasn't happy.

Now imagine being in a situation where home, the one place you are supposed to feel safe and secure and loved, turned out to be anything but. Imagine if your home made you sad and lonely. Imagine if you did everything to stay away from your very own home. As a mother with three young children, that's nearly impossible. And then you realize that it's not necessarily your home, per se, that's making you sad... but someone in it. You become sick and sad, depressed, and you start walking on eggshells. You realize that you've stopped living and you're merely existing - you're merely waiting for the day to be over so you can go to sleep, only to wake up to the same angst and pains the next day, and the day after that and the day after that, over and over again and it never seems to end. You know this is no way to live. You know there is so much more out there to see and taste and do but it all seems so unattainable.

They say that a traumatic event or situation often is the catalyst for divorce. Right before mine I had surgery. It was during that time, when I was stuck at home, unable to drive for 3 weeks, that I had my epiphany - for lack of a better word. I may have had too much time on my hands, but looking back I am so grateful to have had that time. It helped me to see things as they were. It helped me to focus - I could see where I had come from, where I was and where I was headed. I knew I had to change my own course. I wasn't exactly sure how to though. The idea of divorce had never entered my mind. I knew of no one who was divorced. There was no divorce in my family. I had a negative image of it. Like a woman scorned - a woman wearing a scarlet letter, scorned. I didn't really want to be thought of as divorced. I had all these preconceived notions in my mind and none of them were terribly good. But I also knew that my life needed a change. A drastic one.

I was confused about a lot. But I knew three things. I knew I wasn't crazy. I knew I wasn't happy and I knew I needed a change. But the type of change I was looking at - as with any major event - isn't something that can be done impulsively. It's  isn't something that one rushes into... It's something that must be done deliberately after much thought and consideration, after weighing all of one's options. It really must be the last resort... what is done when nothing else can be done.

I think people have this preconceived notion - Someone doesn't choose divorce because they want to see if there might be something or someone better out there. It's always a last resort - or it should be. It's not easy. It's not fun. In fact, you can experience some of your hardest, deepest, darkest days as you navigate the seemingly ominous journey of divorce. It's not something one decides to do in haste the way one might decide, at the spur of the moment, to drive into New York City for dinner, or become a redhead or chop off one's hair. Divorce is life-changing, and life-altering. But when you get to the other side, you will see that sunshine and warmth awaits. The battle isn't over and the struggles won't be either, but the knowledge that the future is bright and out there and that anything and everything is possible is a gift that one simply cannot put a value on.

You can't put a price on happiness. It's not something that can be won or purchased. All the money in the world won't buy happiness. And there are plenty of people with money, a lot of money, and trust me... they are far from happy. Happiness isn't what's defined by what's around you but what's inside of you.

I have no need or desire for fancy sports cars, huge McMansions, and I don't need my closets filled to the brim with designer clothing. I like nice things and I appreciate nice things but they won't make my life better or happier. In fact, dare I say, I'm liking the simpler things - the simpler life... it's easier this way for sure. I'm lighter. I'm freer. It's hard to explain unless you've been here.

In the past couple of years I have found happiness. I've had great moments of it - moments I never would have had if I had still be married. It's not all easy. It's not all happy. I have come a very long way and I know I still have a long way to go. But I have been given the greatest gift of all. The gift of a second chance. The gift of being able to start over. I can take all the knowledge I have gained, all the lessons learned from mistakes, and the wisdom gained from failures and use all these experiences to create a better me and a better life for myself and my children. How lucky am I? I truly consider this to be a midlife blessing.

It's been a good two years. I'm looking forward to the next two years.