A balancing act - or, Life in 3 parts
People's visions of me is not quite right. It's as though they're seeing me and my world through rose colored glasses. I smile, I laugh. I smile and laugh easily. At myself. At life. At anything. I am a happy person. I am proud of my successes and my achievements. I have come far and I have a long way to go.
Life is a challenge. It twists and turns.
Work is a challenge.
My children are a challenge.
My personal life is a challenge.
Trying to give each person in my life my full attention is a challenge.
Separating the three parts of my life is a challenge.
Someone, along the way, gets stiffed. Without intention.
I feel guilty if I put my personal life first.
I feel guilty if I put my career first.
I feel guilty if I put the kids first.
I am a single mother. I sometimes feel as though I am being stretched to the fullest.
Sometimes something has to give and something has to snap.
And this morning I did.
I snapped.
I snapped after nearly 14 days without a break ... of deadlines and being sick and taking care of sick kids and trying to stick to deadlines and stay on task and maintain a home and nurture a personal life.
I snapped because I cannot give everyone the attention and time that they deserve.
I snapped because I cannot produce the work I need to produce.
I snapped because my jeans were too tight. There you go. Maybe that's the real reason I snapped.
I snapped because I couldn't go to the gym because I had one child home sick, another to take to the pediatrician and another with an early dismissal.
I snapped because my house was dirty.
I snapped because my dishwasher needed emptying.
I snapped because even though I've been doing laundry non-stop for the past week there's still more to do.
I snapped because sometimes everything seems out of my control.
I snapped because I am overtired.
I snapped because I need help.
I snapped because I am looking for the answers and I do not have them.
I snapped because I want so badly.
And I was exhausted afterwards!
But I felt better.
Much better.
Maybe I needed to just let it all out.
It's ok to feel frustrated from time to time, isn't it?
Will I ever have the answers?
Will I ever figure it all out? I do wonder...
Because I don't want to have to sacrifice.
Because I don't think I should have to sacrifice.
Because I don't think anyone should have to sacrifice.
Jessica
Oh my sweet friend ...life is certainly a journey filled with twists and turns. Remember you are doing the best you can - YOU ARE AMAZING!! Your post is reflective I'm certain of so many of us, though the reasons may be different. Society has "brain washed" us to think we must do it all ... in reality we are only human. What I have learned is that taking care of me (first) seems key to being able to handle the laundry list of to do's . We don't have children but our two furbabies (Dolce and Gabbana) are very demanding at times with wanting attention, going for walks, being let out to chase squirrels and lately they have started pawing at their stroller as if to say - let's go to park/shopping (as that is when I use the stroller) ~ and funny for outside playtime/squirrel/and doggie business they go to the backyard door. For car rides and other out of home activities they go to the front door - I'm kidding you not!! Stay strong, brew a cup of tea (or a pour yourself a glass of vino/bubbly) run a hot bath and let the short ones in your household know - mommy is on a break (and Jessica) is taking some personal time. You will feel refreshed and better able to handle what life will throw at you next..hugs and blessings, C. (HHL)
ReplyDeleteYou could have written the story of my life
ReplyDeleteAmen!
ReplyDelete