love, loss and loneliness....

When I was 16 I lost a home to a fire. It was destroyed. Completely. I lost everything that had any meaning to me. I cannot tell you how hard this is to a 16 year old girl. I managed to save a Benetton sweater that had been hanging on a hook behind my bathroom door, which was closed. It was a heavy, over-sized black turtle neck sweater with huge white snowflakes. It was the 80s and Benetton was it. My sweater smelled like fire and soot for the longest time. I have no idea how many trips to the dry cleaner it withstood but eventually the smell, for the most part, disappeared. The sweater came to college with me.

In that fire I lost clothes, jewelry, photographs and letters... I lost everything personal. Letters from friends and boyfriends. I lost my record collection including some rare vintage Beatles records. My room, after the fire, looked like something Salvator Dali had painted, all warped and distorted. My parents and I suffered for many years, post traumatic stress disorder, I am sure. For years, I saw smoke rolling into my bedroom from under the door. It would wake me up at night. It was the first time I had panic attacks. I hated to be in the dark. To this day  when I hear fire trucks or see them race down the street and I panic, I want to break down and cry. I lost everything in that fire. My father still won't use a fireplace. He sleeps with his wallet and keys by his bed. Recently an antique home in my old town caught on fire. Everything was destroyed. Terrible memories flooded back. I use my fireplace. I use it often. I love it. I respect it. I'm careful and cautious... that event forever changed my life. The fire happened on Christmas eve.

Last year I lost a dear friend.  We were close friends in our early 20s, eventually we would share an apartment together. I moved out and moved to Connecticut where I started a new life. We remained in touch for many years, through our marriages and then lost touch. Through a few mutual friends we reconnected about 5 or 6 years ago. When my divorce ended he became my confidant, lover, and my Rock of Gibraltar when I was going through the most challenging time of my life.Our relationship eventually ended, as we both saw the need to move onward and forward with our lives, but we never lost touch. We remained close. We would forever. We shared a special bond.

Last year, the morning of New Year's Eve, he tragically passed away from a heart attack. He was just 48 years old. He left behind the most beautiful little boy. They were incredibly close. Inseparable. My heart broke for the boy. My heart broke for myself. I grieved. I moved on... but I'll never forget.  This is an incredibly hard time of year for me. And now my family is no longer intact and I cannot banish the memories of yesteryear, when the children were young... when everything seemed magical. The 6 weeks from Thanksgiving until now have been lonely. Painfully so. I've poured myself into my work and my writing. But I cannot banish the feelings of loneliness that comes with divorce and from loss. I know I am not alone, and many of you have gone through what I am now going through. I am grateful for your messages and texts, your words of support and encouragement.

When I am down I look to my friends for understanding, support and compassion. I think we all do when we're feeling low and blue. I don't have much family save for my parents who aren't nearby. My children now divide their time equally between their two parents. So the days and nights sometimes seem endless, sometimes there's no telling where one ends and the other begins, and a big black hole sometimes presents itself. I've suffered from depression in the past. I know when I am near, and I know what I need to do to keep myself off the edge - to keep myself from teetering in... I keep busy, I keep writing and I rely, heavily, on the support of friends - I rely on them to keep me up and focused and moving forward... I do not need to be judged, I do not need to be made to feel worse for feeling this way, I do not need to be told that this is the life I chose and I do not want to feel punished for doing so ...Yes, I chose this life and no, I would never go back... never ever ever ever... But I am lonely.

I am curious by nature. I'm an intellectual, a philosopher and to some degree I'm always a student. I'm an observer a creative and I need stimulation. I need conversation. Face to face communication.

I'm outgoing and social - incredibly social. But most of my friends have busy lives of their own families of their own to take care of. Not that I need taking care of... that's not at all the case. I can take care of myself and I do so and well. I'm a nurturer and a confidant. And sometimes I get tired of listening and supporting and trying to help and encourage when I don't get it in return. I give of myself selflessly. I always have and I always will and that won't stop but sometimes I need people, I need people to listen and not judge. If you've never battled depression you don't know what loneliness is... If you've never had to live with chronic pain you've no idea what pain is... I am strong. I am independent. I am fiercely independent. I am self confident - more so than many. I am honest to a fault. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I say it like it is, whether you want to hear it or not, whether it makes you comfortable or not. I am the best of friends. I can calm, soothe and nurture like few others can. I can offer my unwavering support and my endless and unconditional love. I am generous to a fault. I am me. I am not without fault and I am not perfect. But sometimes I need compassion and sympathy of my own... a few soothing words will do wonders.

I work for myself and by myself... sometimes I work 12 hour days so that I can get my career on its way. It's my passion and I adore it. If I don't have my children I can go days without seeing another adult. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I feel blessed and know that I am blessed to have this incredible opportunity - this incredible second chance in life. But a writer's life is often a lonely life. Ask any writer, dead or alive for my words echo theirs and theirs mine.

I'm not looking for suggestions or criticism ... I'm just stating a fact. If you want to support me, encourage me, nurture me, teach me... do not tell me all the wrong that I am doing and please don't make me feel badly about myself. I am strong but I have feelings and I am very sensitive. This is simply another hurdle I have to overcome, and I will...

After my divorce and after the devastating loss of my friend, I made it my mission to slow down and enjoy life. To savor and relish every minute. To play hard and to rest well. I've learned to reach out and ask. I've learned that I can't do it all alone and it's ok to ask for help. I'm no longer afraid to ask for help. I'm no longer afraid to reach out ... I'm no longer afraid to show my vulnerable side. My I've come a long way!

If you have a friend that's trying to reach out to you, listen to them, let them talk...If you've been in their shoes and want to offer a suggestion then do so, if you haven't, a supportive shoulder is all you need to lend. That's the best gift you can ever give!

Jessica