Suddenly single... at midlife... during the holidays

A friend of mine posted something on facebook the other night that tugged at my heart. He said that it was hard to be a single white gay male over the holidays. I think it's hard to be a single anything over the holidays. It's a tough time of year. Singledom at midlife isn't easy. After many years of being part of a couple, a duo, a team, to be just one, is hard. The first year of separation/divorce is indeed the hardest and it does get better, a lot better. That first year is a learning curve, one that is often filled with raw emotion, anger and pain. 

It's impossible to travel down the road without them. It'd be inhuman not to. Divorce is like a death. In death there are 7 stages of grief. They are anger and denial, pain and guilt, anger and bargaining, depression, reflection and loneliness, the upturn, reconstruction and walking through, and then finally acceptance and hope. Because divorce is like a death, you will experience these stages too, and after you've experienced them, you will begin to heal. It's hard to tell which stage you will experience first, in which order and how long each stage will last. Some people experience all these stages all at once, and for others it is a more drawn out process that can take years. Some have an early onset, while others don't experience the loss, pain, anger and heartbreak for quite some time. As with death, there is no way of knowing how you will act or react. There is no normal here, for all is normal.

I was visiting a friend's blog yesterday, Privilege, where Lisa wrote about Heartbreak and Silver linings. It touched me. It touched me to the core. I wondered about heartbreak and I wondered about hope-break... are they one in the same? We suffer from broken hearts and we suffer from loss of hope. We all have hopes and dreams. While it was I who wanted out of a very toxic marriage, it didn't mean I didn't suffer from heartbreak or hopebreak. Of course I did... I tormented and lamented over the present and the future of my children. I tormented and lamented over so much. But I knew I had made the right decision. A decision like this is never easy, and neither is the journey. But to all who are about to embark, and to all who have recently embarked, or know someone who has, I will tell you this. Your journey will be wild. It will be insane. It will test your limits and your core. No one said divorce was easy. I was naive to think it would be. I was naive to think we would be friends. I listened to but didn't want to hear what my friends were telling me.... guiding me counseling me... I was naive. In my case, my naivete made it possible for me to climb the mountains and go deep into the valleys. I wonder, had I known how challenging it all would have been, if I would have simply backed down... I never faced a challenge. I never stepped outside of my comfort zone. But I was challenged as I had never been before and because of that I know that there is nothing I cannot do if I don't put my mind to it. It's an amazing thing.

Something else I naively didn't listen to was how lonely single life can be at times. I am a writer and a photographer, I love my alone time. I need my alone time. But there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. The holidays are lonely. It's simply how it is. Where once I was a couple and invited to parties and events, this no longer happens. The invitations have stopped coming. The Christmas cards have too. It makes no sense to me. It really doesn't. Suddenly I am undesirable because I have no partner. My old friends have come and gone... When I was starting this new and crazy journey people were interested, inquisitive even, supportive certainly. People checked in all the time. But then the novelty wore off. I lost most of my local friends. I cannot tell you how that hurt. I knew it was coming. I had been told that it would, but I guess it was a truth that I couldn't swallow. I closed my eyes and hoped it wasn't so. But it was. And it is. I'm not sharing this to be a downer. I am not sharing this because I am looking for sympathy. I am sharing this because it is the fact. It is what it is. I've shared my journey since day one. I've been honest to a fault and often criticized here for it. And so, this is my journey, this is my truth. My truth that I am choosing to share with you. And I am sharing it because I know I am not the only one experiencing this. I know that many others are too, and if you are, even though you may feel alone and lonely, know that you are not alone. It's tough. It's hard, and to be frank it sucks, but it is what it is.

Just a couple of years ago I would have been planning outfits to wear to this event or to that one, choosing hostess gifts... baking cookies for cookie swaps... Now my social calendar is as dry as the Sahara. You see divorced women are toxic, I guess. I really don't get it. It makes no sense to me. I am not going to be friends with someone solely based on the fact that they've got a partner or not. I'm not going to disown a friend because they're no longer wearing a ring! Yet this happens all over the place. Why is that? 

I think, in the end, I am hurt and I am disappointed in the people I thought were my friends. Disappointed in my choice of friends. How much of an effort does it take to pick up the phone, send a message, a note, even suggest meeting a friend for lunch or coffee?

So, I ask you all reading this. If you have a friend or friends who are fairly recently or newly divorced, reach out to them. Pick up the phone, ask them to meet you out for a cup of coffee or a cocktail if you can spare the time. Let them know that they're not alone, especially now, during the holidays. It's a small gesture but it will go far

XOXO,

Jessica