Looking back; looking forward

via tumblr

I make it a point not to look back... and if I do happen to look back I make sure that I don't linger there. For when I do it's never a good thing. The past week has been a very introspective week. I've looked back and I've looked forward. For the first time in a long time my future seems murky to me. I cannot get a clear image in my head and I find this quite troublesome. I've always had a vision and a plan. For some reason I find myself with neither. I'm not sure why that is. I have my raft and I have my paddle but it's as though I am paralyzed - frozen - unable to move. I've been in this limbo state for a couple of weeks now which is unusual for me, especially at this time of year when I'm ready to put my plans and goals to work. But I haven't made any this year. Not one. I know what I want to do. I know what I'd like to see happen, but I've not put anything down on paper. Perhaps this is because my own vision is so damned murky. I don't, for the first time in a long time, really know where I'm headed. I keep taking a hesitant step forward and then I step back. It has nothing to do with my comfort zone. Or maybe it does. And maybe it has something to do with fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, and gasp - dare I say - fear of success. I need to find a way around this. And I need to do so quickly. I'm hoping that an answer will somehow come to me, either in my waking hours or in my sleep. Or maybe the answer is staring right at me but my vision is so damned blurry that I can't see it.

Christmas is always a hard time of the year for me. It's hard not to look back. Christmas does that to us. It's often a time of nostalgia when we're brought back to our youth and to when our own children were young... times seemed happier back then. More carefree, for certain. When my children were young Christmas had a purpose. It was magical. Fairytale like. And the kids grow and the magic starts to disappear. I told myself I wouldn't stress about it too much this year and I didn't. Still you want to please. And then there's the pressure of getting everything under the tree without being caught. And there's an added pressure of setting up Christmas, tree, lights and presents as a single parent. And the holiday becomes lonely. I get the privilege of seeing my children's faces light up when they see the tree brimming with bright packages and wrappings. A true gift that I will never take for granted. But then the magic is gone as soon as it came. And the children are gone. And the house is quiet. Too quiet. And the harsh reality that Santa doesn't exist. There's no present for mom under the tree anymore. No home made cards or pictures. And while Christmas isn't about the gifts - at least not the commercial ones, I'd be lying to say I wasn't disappointed. It hurts. It stings.

And in a couple of days a New Year will be upon us. And I am not entirely sure how to look at this New Year right now. A fresh year ahead - a white canvas, a book with blank pages waiting to be written on by me. What an opportunity! I can write whatever I want to write on those pages... so then why can't I? Should I just start scribbling and see what happens? Will these mere words suddenly transform into the story? What will happen in this story? Will it have a happy ending? Or will it just keep continuing?

Looking back on 2013, it's not been a terrible year but it's not been one that will necessarily live on in my memory forever. Moments of it were spectacular for sure. I met a lot of wonderful people along the way. I was given some incredible opportunity and experiences. My workload increased. I had some incredible highs... and, I had some lows. I do wonder, will the lows ever go away or are they simply a part of life?

We'll never stop learning, will we?

I think we all need to have something to look forward to. We all need hope and promise. We all need projects to keep our hands and our minds busy. We all need to be surrounded by loved ones. We all need encouragement. We all need laughter. We need goals. It's about time I do something about this.
It's not too late.

I'll get to work on them immediately if you get to work on yours. And maybe we can share them and inspire each other. And encourage each other. And cheer each other on. How does that sound?

Jessica