An open letter to my children...(Mothers, please feel free to borrow this if needed!)

This post was inspired by actual events that took place in my home this morning

My dear children,

Mothers have an uncanny ability to find missing things. It’s our super power. And you may not realize this but I have super-powers. It’s not something I brag about, but it is something you should know. No, I do not have a cape, but I still have my powers.  Yes, I see you, my little one, eyes wide open, jaw to the ground. I am now oozing with coolness. My dear daughter, my oldest child, I see you rolling your eyes, planning your next texts and tweets, ‘hashtag ohmigod my mom is insane she is telling us she has hashtag superpowers she is so uncool.’ And my middle child, my oldest son, how I love you even though you haven’t heard a thing that I’ve said as you stare into space seemingly devoid of thought but I know your brain is spinning faster and furiouser than anyone else's I know. Or maybe you have heard and you’re trying to do the math… “If my mom has superpowers, what are the odds that I do too?” But it is all true.

My superpower is my ability to find things. Mothers should be detectives. We'd make great detectives and it was about time that the CIA finally started to hire women. Your green pants… your pink tank top… your ipod… your lunchbox… your red pencil… your homework… your gym shorts… your pajama bottoms…  your binoculars… your camera… your black leggings… your navy leggings and your grey leggings. I’ve found dolls, trains, cars, cards, balls, trucks, arrows, Nerf guns, Nerf foamy things, books, magazines, food, candy, silver spoons, Pokemon cards, Corduroy, rocks, game pieces… and the list goes on and on, and I am prepared to continue if you so desire.

So here I sit, writing to you 3 beautiful but oh so aggravating children. You are 14, 12 and 8 and I am still finding things that you, for some reason, are unable to. I know we live in a small house - a very small house that's about a quarter of the size of your last home. But that's really no excuse. Actually, if anything, it should be easier for you to keep track of your belongings as there's less square footage for them to disappear to! 

Two months ago I bought 5 pairs of uniform pants and 5 shirts in the fall. All are missing. And no they are not all at school. I will get to the bottom of this. I assure you. But really, how does one really go about losing one’s uniform? We have no socks left. I bought 12 pairs in September. And none are left. I’ve searched high and low and everywhere a lonely sock may go. Fear not I will get to the bottom of this. All I know is this, you come home from school and walk directly into the shower, come out of the shower and change and BAM, everything’s missing. It really makes no sense to me. But I promise you, I will get to the bottom of this. I always do.

Today is Saturday and you are all at your father’s house. I’ve put myself under a self imposed house arrest so that I could clean the house while you’re all away. My dear darling daughter, your bedroom door is closed. I cannot tell you how this terrifies me. TERRIFIES me. I fear for my life. I have no idea what’s lurking in there beneath the heaps   piles  mountains of clothes you apparently do not have. Something is going to come out and attack me. Or bite me. Of this I am certain. I want to venture in with one of your baby brother’s plastic baseball bats but I confiscated it from him (ie tossed it in the trash) after he broke one of my frames last year while swinging it around. To this he still denies, but I am quite certain that neither you or your other brother no longer walk around the house wildly swinging bats at fragile objects. If he can prove me otherwise I will personally take him to the toy store to get another bat. But I digress… and now back to your mess, and the wild boars living in there and my ability to find all your missing things...  And while we’re in your room, when was the last time you saw a towel rack on your floor? Exactly, towels belong in the bathroom. Hanging up. I’m pretty sure I know where your ballet flats are. I’ll give you a hint. Your closet. But in order for you to get to them you’d actually have to remove all the items  crap on the floor in there. Hmmm, I wonder if that is where my missing blue sweater is…

My dear boys… oh boys… I’m so tired of picking up after you. And the minute your room is all cleaned up it’s destroyed all over again. I can’t keep up. My dear youngest child, I am happy to help you make your bed every morning… I realize it’s hard, but why do you insist on sleeping with all 237 stuffed animals. Life would be so much easier if you slept with one or two…. Even three! And while we’re on the subject of beds… why did I find my missing iPad charger in your sheets? Especially when you said you had no idea where it was? That certainly couldn’t have been very comfortable to sleep with! Please pick up your toys, Legos, notebooks, markers, etc. And anything you borrow of mine – especially what has been borrowed without my permission – must be returned to where you found it originally. I have to go in and vacuum shortly. I shudder to know what will accidentally get sucked up this week. There are three oversized, lined wicker boxes just for your toys. Use them, please.

Now to you, my darling loveable and loving middle child, I know you think that if you can’t see it I won’t be able to see it. But despite my need to wear glasses, for both near and far, I can see everything. Call it magic. It might have something to do with my superpower… after all, how can I find things that I cannot see?  It’s a talent, a skill and an art form. Often I can see things without actually using my eyes. How crazy is that? So when I ask you to clean up what’s under your bed, you’d better go ahead and do so. Because I am not above to don a hazmat suit and rubber gloves and get down there. I think you know that.

(1 hour later)

So I decided to be brave. Yes, even though I have super powers I get scared.  And I decided to venture into the room where the door was closed. I have to say, save for the floor being mistaken as a towel rack it wasn’t too bad. I would have been happier had the corduroys – the brand new ones that I just got you that haven’t been worn yet – not been wadded up and inside out on the floor. But other than that, our room was not so bad. I did take the liberty to toss your dirty clothes into the wash. I hope you didn’t mind.

Now onto the other room and what was under the bed.  I will not blame you for my missing screwdriver. I have a pretty good idea who is responsible for that and for not returning it with the other tools. You are off the hook, my friend, unless I learn otherwise.  I was not happy, however, to find all your clothes smooshed into a ball… inside out, wrinkled… some clean, some very, very dirty. I found a brand new missing soccer sock. And your new pajamas.  And 3 hats.  And 2 pencils with neither tip nor eraser. And an old school paper.  I wonder if this was one of the missing ones I needed to sign? When I pulled the bed away from the wall I found 2 playing cards, and 4 white sport socks, none of which match – of course. There’s so much dust I envision Pigpen hiding under your bed somewhere. Your dust bunnies procreate faster than the rest of ours. Why that is, I’m not so sure. You don’t know what procreate means? Go look it up. Your electronic devices are not just for gaming. Use them for something educational, it won’t kill you. On a final note, you know not to eat after bedtime. This rule is threefold. You’ve brushed your teeth for a reason, eating when in bed defeats the purpose.  You have nice teeth. I would like to see you have them still when you are 20. The other reason is the crumbs. You think I don’t see them but I do. And we have mice. I really don’t want to wake up to either you or your brother screaming bloody murder because something small, grey and furry scampered across your face at 2 in the morning. And finally you lied. I really don’t appreciate that. I found the Baggie filled with empty Halloween candy wrappers. On one hand I’m annoyed and yet on the other hand I’m actually impressed that you still have Halloween candy left. That’s truly impressive. You were smart not to share your hiding spot with me. But please, let’s stop the eating in bed thing. You need your sleep and you should be sleeping.

I love you all.

Love,

Mom