on body image...

In advance I want to state that this was the hardest piece for me to write yet. I wrote and stopped over and over again. I really hesitated to publish it. I felt incredibly vulnerable when I did. But I thought it was important to share and get out there.

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We all struggle with it. I don't think there's any woman on this planet who thinks she's perfect. There's not one woman who doesn't wish to change something about her appearance. If you tell me there is, I will call you a liar. We all have complaints. We are too short, too tall, too thin, too fat... We are too flat chested, too droopy... our breasts sag our stomachs are too stretched out, our thighs are too soft... We'd like leaner legs, more toned arms, an ass that doesn't jiggle. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we compare ourselves like this? I have friends who recently went to the beach in the South of France. And sunbathed. Topless. I could never do this! I am of ample bosom - or well endowed - whatever you want to call it. But I am not 20 and I have nursed three children. For that I should be proud. Age and pregnancy and nursing has made them, well, less than perky. And my stomach is not flat. Or taught. It's slightly rounded. And sometimes I really don't mind the feminine softness of it. And sometimes I do - when it bloats and stretches beyond imagination because I have eaten something that perhaps may not have agreed with me. I see pictures all over the place of young women with flat stomachs and I become instantly envious. I do not want to be where they are. I've no desire to go back in time. I have no desire to relive or rewrite my past. I have come to a new place... a place of acceptance and calm and tranquility. I'm not trading this for anything. But truth be told. There are times I would like to trade my body... I would...

I'm older now. Wiser now. I take better care of myself. I work out and I eat well and yet, sometimes it seems that nothing I do matters. And frankly, it's not fair. My skin's getting older and softer. There's some excess here and there. Weight training won't fix it. They may tell you it will but it won't. Weight training will fix loose muscles but not excess skin. In many ways I feel more youthful than I ever have. In many ways I can see the signs of aging creeping up. I never thought it would bother me. But it's starting to. I don't need to look perfect. I don't believe in perfection. I also believe that women of a certain age have infinitely more beauty than their younger peers... I'm nearly there. That certain age. Some days I feel beautiful. I look into the mirror and sometimes I think I may have even improved with age. I don't like the thing that will soon become a waddle around my neck, but the tiny lines around my eyes and my mouth, I embrace them. I celebrate them. They mark my journey. They're my history. They're my past and present and they're my future. They tell a story. They tell my story. A story I am more than happy to share.

But as a single 40 something year old woman I struggle with my body image. Perhaps now more than ever. In so many ways I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. But in so many ways I am not. I do not like all that I see when I look in the mirror. There are things I do like. I like my kind eyes and gentle smile. I love my strong arms, shoulders and legs. I do not love what lies in the middle. I admit to be ashamed of it at times.

I've talked about this ad nauseum with a dear friend of mine. Our thoughts echo each other's and I suppose our thoughts are echoed by women our age, in our situation, world-wide. How do we combat these unnecessary thoughts? How do we push them to the back of our minds so that we can focus on the positive? It's not that I have any desire to be skinny/frail/waiflike... I embrace my curves and my strength... but I still see fault which to me is so very unattractive.

I know we are our own worst critics. I know we judge ourselves much too harshly. I know, for a fact, that the male species (for the most part) is much kinder to us in this regard. I've never been turned away for how I look or don't look unclothed. In fact the opposite may be true. What I am is real. Everything about me is real. I think in this terribly plastic and superficial and competitive world - especially the small world in which I live - men have started to embrace realness... I know they've embraced mine. I've been called sexy and beautiful by these men... and sometimes I actually believe what they say... but sometimes it's just too hard.

This all comes up because I have officially re-entered the dating scene. At some point, of course, I would love to meet "the one" and fall madly in love on the way. Before that happens I need to see who's a right fit for me. Personalities must click and the chemistry must be there too. Personality without chemistry is a best friend. Chemistry without personality is a dead end. Both are integral. In order to get to the place where a relationship exists and grows we must expose ourselves... literally and figuratively, the mere idea and anticipation of it all can leave you feeling so very insecure and raw.

I speak of this openly, vulnerably and honestly because I know that I am not alone in these thoughts. And because I want you to know that you are not alone in your thoughts.

XOXO,