On love and loss after Divorce...

At some point you'll end up back out there in the large scary world of dating. Some return to dating sooner than others. Some love it and some loathe it. I think I fall someplace in the middle. I love a great date and loathe a bad one. Luckily for me most haven't been too terrible. I have had a few but I am able to see the hilarity of the situation at hand... often there's something to laugh at or, at least to shake your head over and wonder aloud, "really?" (These will all be told in book form... there could be a trilogy here!)

I'm the type of person who really enjoys being with people. I believe that we all learn from one another - sometimes the lessons are so small that we don't realize take notice of them at the time. People come into our lives for a reason. Sometimes we don't know what they are... even if fleeting. I truly believe this too. So if I am going out to meet someone for the first time I bring my positive attitude with me. After all, there's more at stake for the guy - he's the one paying for the drinks... or the dinner and the drinks. And for that I am always appreciative and grateful. You will have your doozie dates and you'll have your share of great dates where there simply is no chemistry, and you'll have those dates where you simply do not want the night to end. Ever. And those are far and few between but, they make all the other dates - the mediocre and the horrid ones - all worth it.

When you have those instant WOW dates nothing can compare.

Last winter I had one of those nights. It was Friday, cold and February, but it was toasty and warm inside the restaurant. Conversation flowed as did the wine. We saw each other the next two days, Saturday and Sunday and then twice during the week. We spent as much time as we could together. We chatted and texted through the course of the days that followed. Suffice it to say we'd become best friends - as two people who care about each other should do. When you spend close to a half a year with someone you start to really get a feel of who they are... what they are... and you start to get a sense that he really is the great guy that everyone, and I mean everyone, makes him out to be.

And we had so much fun. And we had such great laughs. And we had such great chemistry.

One of the things I learned in my failed marriage is that you can madly, deeply, passionately care about someone but know that it's not meant to be. We are not at the same place in our lives. I'm further along in my divorce than he is. After a year, things have pretty much fallen into place for me. Of course, I still have things to figure out and probably always will, but that first year out is the most difficult and the most challenging. You need to figure out how to make room and time for everyone. You need to be organized and compartmentalize. You need to be a little bit selfish and think for yourself and do things for yourself (without taking your time and attention away from the children). This is all hugely important before you can healthily move on and away from your failed marriage.

It's not healthy to go from one long-term relationship and directly into another.

It's important to get out there and explore. Men tend to throw themselves full-force into work or their children after a marriage has failed. (And there are those who are serial daters, plenty of them, stay the hell away from them!) Some men end up in long-term relationships almost right off the bat. And women do this too.

I knew, when I first started dating, that I didn't want to "date around" but I also knew that I wasn't ready to commit to the first person I met. I needed to get out there and see what there was. I needed to meet all sorts of people. I needed to figure out what it was that I really wanted. I needed to figure out what was really important to me. I needed to figure out what I really needed in a man - what I had to have and what I could do without. And after a while I had it all figured out.... for the most part.

M was so much of that. We were alike but we were different. Differences are good. But differences can get in the way, so you have to figure out where that fine line is. I can't tell you how important that is. And there comes a point in a relationship, before it gets too advanced, where you have to take a good look at where you are and where you're heading. This can be really hard to do. I can't tell you how hard this can be.

In the end I saw differences between us - the biggest one being the amount of time we'd been divorced. In most cases this doesn't matter, but in the case of a newly divorced man or woman it does. It absolutely does. I saw in him a struggle- I saw it before he saw it in himself. I saw in him an inner conflict... between wanting to spend time with me and his friends... He wanted to be with me, but he wanted to be with his friends... and then there were the children who still needed him too. I saw in him a need to sort it all out. I saw in him a need to be set free...

And so in the end we bade each other a fond farewell. It wasn't really a farewell to our friendship... and I hope it never is, but it was a farewell to our relationship. And in some cases this has been harder than a divorce - To break up with someone you genuinely care about, who you trust and feel comfortable with can be very hard to do. I have a very definite void in my life right now. We have spoken over the phone and by text but I cannot reach out to him just to say hi, or the minute something goes wrong. And, to be honest, that really kinda sucks. But in the end we've done the right thing. And hurting and missing someone can be a good thing too...  and I do think that it's ok to hurt and miss someone...

I will say one thing about M. He was - is - one of the kindest, people I have ever met... gentle heart, gentle soul..

As I explained to the children, when my ex and I were telling them of the divorce, sometimes you can have two great people... but two great people are not necessarily meant to be together. And sometimes we have to leave it at that... hearts heavy... heavy with sadness and fondness... and move on....

XOXO,

Jessica