Panic Attacks...

Do you ever panic? Do you or have you ever had a panic attack? I don't remember having them as a kid... I remember getting nervous in college before exams or before I had to fly somewhere. Usually I was afraid I would forget something important or that I would accidentally leave something behind. I'm not sure I would actually call them panic attacks though. But I don't think I had actual panic attacks. I remember my very first one. It was before I got married. I remember being paralyzed by fear from an image I had. It was, or so I thought at the time, such a stupid thing to panic over, but when I look back now I realize that it wasn't. The image, which I thought to be insignificant at the time, was a symbol for something much greater, much larger. While I couldn't actually ignore it, I did dismiss it. And I would have, what I would later realize, the same panic attack over and over again. Panic attacks, for me, come when I am least active, usually in the early morning or at night, when I am in a fairly relaxed state and the world is quiet. When my body is quiet my brain is not. In fact, when my body is quietest I believe my brain at its loudest. (Along the same principle that things are much scarier at night, in the dark.) Sometimes my panic attacks are short-lived. Sometimes they last hours.

I'm having one right now. My house is quiet. It's 9:00 and the children, save for my youngest who is in my room watching television, are sound asleep. I've been up for 4 hours already and have had 3 cups of coffee. If I had any decaf lying around I'd make another, but I don't and I'm pretty sure the caffeine wouldn't be helping me right now.

I have an anti anxiety pill... somewhere. I've thought about taking it many times. But I haven't. I was given one (and only one!) by my doctor before I had a minor surgical procedure last March. But I didn't take it. I've thought many times about taking it since. Like when I have these episodes. Let me explain what a panic attack feels like. It usually starts with a thought or worry. Even a non threatening image of something. Then suddenly, the thought becomes more  than just a thought. It becomes a worry, but bigger - much bigger - and it takes on a life all of its own. And suddenly this thought becomes all consuming and grabs your central nervous system. So that while you want to banish the thought from your head completely you can't. You simply can't. And suddenly your chest gets tight and it's hard to breathe. If you've ever had an asthma attack, that's exactly what it feels like. But there's more to it than that.Your pulse quickens, your heart rate speeds up... you can literally feel your heart beating inside of you, banging really and it's a miracle you can't see it trying to jump out of your skin, because that's exactly how it feels. And then you feel all nervous and jittery and you literally want to climb out of your own skin - much like a snake sheds his own. And your body has this nervous energy that just can't be tamed. Sometimes you feel like you're going to be sick. It's really not a fun thing at all. I'm not really a fan of most medicines. I love Motrin. And Excedrin. Those are my drugs. As far as anything else goes I am not a fan. I don't do well with them and have had some very unpleasant experiences in the past. They don't agree with me. It's that simple. But oh to make this all go away!

I had my first recent attack 3 years ago. I had just had shoulder surgery and was not allowed to drive anywhere for 3 weeks. Friends had to take my children to school, take me to the doctor's, to physical therapy and to the grocery store. When I wasn't being toted around by kind friends I was home. Alone. Lonely and bored. Lost in my thoughts. This is always a very dangerous combination for me. And it most certainly was then. It was the catalyst to my divorce... It was the little pebble that set the rolling stone speeding down the hill, growing larger and larger as it gathered moss until it got to the bottom where, fat and full of moss, it came to a stop.

I've never looked back. I've never regretted my decision. Never. Not once. So that panic attack may actually have been a good thing. And, painful as it is to admit and to speak aloud, had I paid attention to those initial attacks years and years ago, I may have had the courage not to enter into a marriage with someone who was not right for me. But I did. And we did have many happy moments and we do have three amazing children...

And so here I am again... Life as a single mother is not without stress. On so very many levels. I won't bore you with all the details, and I am sure many of you all share the same worries and fears, but I feel as though many of these fall solely on my own two shoulders. And the burden is so large and I must, quite literally, hold up the world all by my own for myself and my three children. Toss in a few other random worries and fears and you have a perfect setting for a panic attack.

I wonder what the symbolism in these latest sets of attacks mean....