A little about me...
I've learned one very important thing over the past few years. I've learned never to judge others. I've not lived in anyone else's shoes... I don't know what goes on behind someone else's closed doors and I respect that. I started this blog to share my story and my experiences. Sometimes I do use it to vent, but mostly I am using it as a vehicle to share my story with others who are living parallel lives... with those who have been down this road before... who are traveling with me and with those who are soon to follow. There is a lot I don't share for many reasons... safety, privacy and a few other reasons. But it is my aim to tell and share my story, both the triumphs as well as the failures... the obstacles I have overcome as well as the valleys I am so desperately trying to climb out of... It hasn't been easy... I often want to hit the delete button after I hit the post button. But I don't. I don't because in some ways it would be the easy thing to do. Exposing yourself, raw and full of emotion is one of the hardest things one can do. We all want to expose our sunny, happy sides but the truth is the world is not always sunny and the world is not perfect and lord knows that my life and I am far from perfect. I get hurt and I get upset and I want to share that. I want to share partly for support, partly for words of encouragement... and partly because I know I am helping someone else. Often after I've published a post I feel as though I am standing on stage completely naked. It's a very uncomfortable thing.
I am not looking for approval. I am not looking for a congratulations or a pat on the back. But, I don't appreciate the harsh words. If you don't like what I say, you don't have to come here. I know I don't read things I don't like. I would rather spend my time on things I do like.
We all don't have to agree. But we can respectfully agree to disagree. And, maybe, if you see something from a different point of view, you could, kindly, share that with me. I am always open to seeing things from someone else's eyes. It's how I learn and grow. I encourage my children to do the same. I encourage them to be accepting and open minded. I encourage them to listen to someone's story. I encourage them to say kind words even if they don't agree. We all have ways of seeing something and we all react to situations differently. It doesn't make it right or wrong... and no one should be made to feel unjust or wrong because they think a certain way. (This is why I hate politics!)
More importantly than what or how something is said is how it is interpreted.
My daughter and I were having a discussion yesterday and she told me that she didn't like what I said. I replied that what I had said was entirely different from what she had heard... My spoken words were interpreted differently, in a manner I had not meant. I apologized to her. We all interpret things differently and if we don't like something we hear we must speak up. But, we must speak up kindly.
When I write, I can get emotional. I make no apologies for this. It is who I am. I make no apologies for being overly sensitive... for caring too much... for getting depressed from time to time and for speaking my mind. It's taken me many, many years for me to accept and like myself... for me to be comfortable with what and who I am, and now, in my mid-40s I am just about there. I know that my faults and talents and nuances make me who I am. In my 20s and 30s I was constantly trying to change bits and pieces of myself... I wanted to please everyone and make everyone happy. I've now accepted who I am. I've stopped trying to please the world, and you know what? I'm happy. So here I am, unapologetically sharing who I am.
I am open, candid and honest. I am passionate. I am not perfect. I no longer care to be perfect. I am artistic and creative and compassionate. I am a communicator. I love life. For years I hated my wide range of emotions, I now embrace them. I love my children. More than anything in this world. I will do whatever I can to protect them and encourage them to become good, caring and compassionate people. My aim now, is to help them through their crazy and wild and sometimes wonderful world. I want to guide them but I want to do so safely from a distance. They need to have some freedom... some freedom to make their own mistakes and learn.
I am a creature of comfort who is learning to take more risks and step outside of my comfort zone. This is very much outside of my comfort zone.
I'm a kind and caring person who takes things too personally. I work daily to not sweat the small stuff. But everything stresses me. A lot scares me. But I keep going forward. I push myself to do so...
I get angry. I am allowed to get angry. I've been through so much and I've been hurt more than most of you know. But I'm moving onward... I am forgiving those who have hurt me... Forgiveness is good... But I have scars and I have to let them heal and sometimes old wounds open... I am human and whoever reads this needs to understand that. I have many faults but my honesty, candor and outspokenness is not one of them.
Thank you for reading... for understanding and most of all, to most of you, thank you for not judging.
OXOX,
I am not looking for approval. I am not looking for a congratulations or a pat on the back. But, I don't appreciate the harsh words. If you don't like what I say, you don't have to come here. I know I don't read things I don't like. I would rather spend my time on things I do like.
We all don't have to agree. But we can respectfully agree to disagree. And, maybe, if you see something from a different point of view, you could, kindly, share that with me. I am always open to seeing things from someone else's eyes. It's how I learn and grow. I encourage my children to do the same. I encourage them to be accepting and open minded. I encourage them to listen to someone's story. I encourage them to say kind words even if they don't agree. We all have ways of seeing something and we all react to situations differently. It doesn't make it right or wrong... and no one should be made to feel unjust or wrong because they think a certain way. (This is why I hate politics!)
More importantly than what or how something is said is how it is interpreted.
My daughter and I were having a discussion yesterday and she told me that she didn't like what I said. I replied that what I had said was entirely different from what she had heard... My spoken words were interpreted differently, in a manner I had not meant. I apologized to her. We all interpret things differently and if we don't like something we hear we must speak up. But, we must speak up kindly.
When I write, I can get emotional. I make no apologies for this. It is who I am. I make no apologies for being overly sensitive... for caring too much... for getting depressed from time to time and for speaking my mind. It's taken me many, many years for me to accept and like myself... for me to be comfortable with what and who I am, and now, in my mid-40s I am just about there. I know that my faults and talents and nuances make me who I am. In my 20s and 30s I was constantly trying to change bits and pieces of myself... I wanted to please everyone and make everyone happy. I've now accepted who I am. I've stopped trying to please the world, and you know what? I'm happy. So here I am, unapologetically sharing who I am.
I am open, candid and honest. I am passionate. I am not perfect. I no longer care to be perfect. I am artistic and creative and compassionate. I am a communicator. I love life. For years I hated my wide range of emotions, I now embrace them. I love my children. More than anything in this world. I will do whatever I can to protect them and encourage them to become good, caring and compassionate people. My aim now, is to help them through their crazy and wild and sometimes wonderful world. I want to guide them but I want to do so safely from a distance. They need to have some freedom... some freedom to make their own mistakes and learn.
I am a creature of comfort who is learning to take more risks and step outside of my comfort zone. This is very much outside of my comfort zone.
I'm a kind and caring person who takes things too personally. I work daily to not sweat the small stuff. But everything stresses me. A lot scares me. But I keep going forward. I push myself to do so...
I get angry. I am allowed to get angry. I've been through so much and I've been hurt more than most of you know. But I'm moving onward... I am forgiving those who have hurt me... Forgiveness is good... But I have scars and I have to let them heal and sometimes old wounds open... I am human and whoever reads this needs to understand that. I have many faults but my honesty, candor and outspokenness is not one of them.
Thank you for reading... for understanding and most of all, to most of you, thank you for not judging.
OXOX,
Jessica
Like real life, there are so many ways of "saying" things over the internet. I've debated about commenting on this and your last post and had basically decided not to do so because none of us really knows your story and there are some variables which could make my comments irrelevant & insensitive.
ReplyDeleteHowever, sometimes somebody will say something to me which makes the light bulb go off in my head and I learn something about myself. You say you're interested in the same so i would like to make one comment about the second sentence in this post.
I also realize if your ex-husband's "friend" was in his life before your divorce, that changes EVERYTHING. (And if she was, what a dimwit. She's dating a man who cheats on his wife). If not though, and if the only thing you know about her is that she doesn't have children, aren't you, in fact, making an immediate judgment about her?
Yes, Sara - you are right. You are absolutely right.
ReplyDeleteI made an immediate judgement. And that was wrong. And she could be the nicest person in the entire world, HOWEVER, because she has no children, she will NEVER understand a mother's love ... There is just no way to comprehend... I have loved many, but I have never loved in the same manner I have loved my children. Someone who has never had children simply cannot understand what and how they think... children are complex and complicated and terribly fragile in circumstances such as this. The children MUST always come first in life-changing situations such as this.
Thank you for your honest comment.
I am pretty sure that they were not dating while we were married... They could have been dating during our separation and I have no issue with either, frankly. My issue was only how the introduction was handled. There were too many people and factors involved and no one had given them the thought or attention they deserved.
I understand your issue is with the way the introduction was handled - but honestly, men are idiots.
ReplyDeleteThis is a completely different situation from yours but the reason I said something about it. My brother is unable to be faithful. He is simply incapable of fidelity. As you might imagine, this has caused all sorts of havoc with his children. One small example - he introduced his 8 year old son to his girlfriend when she was in the hospital having his (well, maybe his) child. My brother was still married to his wife - not separated, not divorced - still living with his first wife. (And yes, he's lower than low). Anyway, the next wife (previously mentioned g/f) was a re-incarnation of my mother - reaaaallly crazy and a falling down drunk. He married her twice.
His son turned out relatively ok because he had a good mom and she was from a good, secure, supportive, normal family. His daughter is one big mess for a variety of reasons.
My brother has just married a third time to a woman who looks so much like the crazy ex; it's like they were separated at birth. Anyway, she is an only child, in her 40's and never had any children. She has been like a breath of fresh air for all of them and bless her heart, she has taken those children under her wing and has been a huge help with the daughter. My immediate assumption about her was "great, an only child who's going to be all about me me me. She won't understand those kids or their problems, blah, blah, blah" and I was very wrong about her.
My long winded point is this. You will always be your children's mother and no one will replace you. Your ex may not marry this woman and your concerns are understandable but at least she doesn't have 2 or 3 children of her own who have to learn to get along with your chidren and who knows? Perhaps she is a child of divorce herself and would be very sensitive to the needs of your children. It's a remote possibility your ex is entirely to blame for not thinking these things through - but again, men are boneheads.
Thank you Sara!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for showing me a side I didn't see. Yes indeed, most men are boneheads! At least through this experience, when it comes to my meeting my SO's children I will better know what to and what not to do... I am very well aware of the feelings of the children as well of the ex spouse.
Jessica, sorry it's been so long since I've checked in. And thank you for your kind words on my blog. I was so saddened to hear about how your Easter went - your poor kiddos. I just shake my head at your ex. That was something my ex and I discussed at length as we went through mediation - we would definitely discuss with each other the prospect of introducing a new love interest to our kids long before it actually happened. I'm sure that was your intention as well, yet the kids' dad did not follow suit. What lack of character. our kids have to suffer because of it. I'll keep them in my prayers in hopes that they'll get through this, and you as well.
ReplyDelete