Saying goodbye :: When a loved one dies

I've struggled, for over a week now, to get these words out on to paper. If I was writing this by hand, on actual paper, my wastebasket would be overflowing by now. I've hit a creative brick wall and I cannot seem to climb over it. I have many assignments begging my attention and I have this that I yearn to write... and yet I can't. With each and every piece begging my attention, I freeze... I become more and more frozen. It's tough... often I can work through these momentary set-backs. This time not so much... but here I will sit and I won't leave until I've finished ...

Recently I learned that someone who played an integral role in my life passed away. He was just 47. I had known this person since I was in college. We met in Newport during the summer and soon we became close friends. The summer after I graduated college he called me up asking if I had any friends looking for a place to live. He and his roommate needed a third. I was at the end of my sublet and I desperately needed a place of my own. I am pretty sure I screamed into the phone! Within minutes they had the roommate they needed and I had a place to live.

Living with two fraternity brothers wasn't as crazy as it might sound. I had two built-in older brothers that took care of me and looked out for me. It was really pretty awesome at the time. Eventually I moved out as I missed living with girls and the bonding that came with it. But the boys and I kept in touch and we often went out socially even after I moved out. Rob and I kept in touch for many years, then once marriage and children came into the picture our lives became focused on our immediate families and those near us. (I had moved away from the Boston area to my present state of Connecticut.)

About 5 years ago we reconnected on Facebook and caught up with our lives, children, etc... I love Facebook for this reason - for its amazing ability to reconnect us with people from our past. What fun it's been!

One day a couple of years ago, right around the time I started the divorce process, Rob sent me a message asking if I'd like to meet him out for dinner - he would be in my neck of the woods for business. We set up a date, place and time and as I stepped out of the parking lot and headed to the restaurant I instantly recognized the dirty blonde head of hair sitting on the patio area of the restaurant. It was as though 20 years had never passed. We talked about the past. We talked about the present. We talked about the future. We had so much to talk about and share. As we spoke we both divulged that we were going through divorces. We had so much to talk about and suddenly we had this new bond that seemed to bring us together. And so suddenly we found ourselves with a most unique bond that included past, present and future.

As I surfed the rough and choppy waters of my divorce (his was amicable and made for a smooth sail) I found myself relying on him more and more for both emotional and physical support. When I had those days where I simply thought I could not go on, that I ought to just throw in the towel and say fuck it, he talked me off the ledge, gave me courage and strength. He was a calm and rational voice. He was soothing and comforting. He was everything that my life was missing. He was my safety net. He was my Rock of Gibraltar. Our friendship was one to stand the test of time. His mother died that summer, after a very long illness. I'd like to think that I was able to help him that summer as he had helped me during the wintertime.

Physically he was much larger than I and I felt safe and comforted. He was tall and strong. He was like a giant Teddy bear. We talked all the time and we saw each other whenever possible. He gave me life... He woke me up... He showed me what it was like to feel and be loved... Whenever we were together the air seemed to be electrically charged... We were electrically charged, and when we were together it was as though there was no one else in the world, and we could forget about our problems, even if just temporarily.

But all good things must come to an and. After 6 months of dating and with the summer nearly over, I had to take a good long look at my life and evaluate where I was and where I wanted to be. I realized that I needed to move on and that while I had an amazing, incredible, wonderful person by my side, I needed to move forward. I needed to see what my own future had in store for me. I couldn't look back. The past is the past and must stay that way.

Eventually we saw less and less of each other but we never stopped being in touch. A phone call or text was made about once a month as we checked in with each other to lend an ear, support, encouragement or a congratulations.

I went to see him this summer. I brought my boys and they played with his boy while he and I caught up. It was a wonderful day. A day that now haunts me...

Late in the afternoon we were sitting out on his deck while the boys had gone inside to play a video game. Rob had, over the years, developed a nasty habit of smoking. I had been on his case to stop throughout the time we dated. And on this warm, sunny July afternoon I pleaded with him again to please stop. I think the stresses of the divorce, being a single dad and working a demanding job were starting to take their toll on him. He was drinking a little too much for my liking, smoking too much for my liking and not making the best decisions when it came to food. I begged him please to stop smoking. I told him not to do it for himself but to do it for his son. "If you don't stop," I told him, "H will lose his father." I pleaded with him regarding this matter over and over and over again.

On December 31st, New Year's Eve morning, my dear friend died of a heart attack, peacefully in his sleep. He was just 47 years old.

He was too young to die. He had a smile that lit up the room. He was Irish. His eyes smiled too. His Birthday is next Sunday, on St. Patrick's Day. He was one of the nicest people there was. He hadn't an unkind bone in his body. He took care of people. He took care of me. He took care of his sisters... He took care of his friends, his parents, his mother as she lay dying... his father, after his mother passed away... And most importantly he took care of his son whom he loved more than anything in this world. I can still hear him... I can hear him saying my name... talking to me... I can see his smile and hear his laugh... I can feel his touch...

I often talked about him to my friends, while we were dating and even very recently. We'd been through a lot together and that created this great, enormous bond ... a bond that would last the rest of our lives and yet sadly one of those lives was cut way too short. I never got to say goodbye. Nobody did. Sadly I didn't hear of his passing until much, much later when his sister reached out to me one day to tell me that I had meant a great deal to her brother. I was devastated to hear the news, naturally, and so sad that I hadn't been able to get to the funeral... So I suppose this is my way of saying goodbye to someone who meant the world to me... who was so very special. He's up in heaven with his mother now and I have no doubt that he's watching over those he loved. Goodbye dear friend... knowing you has been such a wonderful gift... Nothing can take that away from me.


I love you,
XOXO

Jessica