Gifts of love, broken hearts and Valentine's Day...

Forgive me for not writing here and posting as regularly as I do over at The Entertaining House. But this is a different kind of blog with a very different kind of topic. Over on the other blog, I like to keep things light and happy and positive. Here I aim to be as honest and forthcoming as possible. While I talk about all aspects of life, motherhood and parenting, because I am still newly divorced, much is focused on that. I am learning and have lots to learn. I am experiencing a new way of life for me, and I still have lots more to experience. I use this platform to share with you the things that impact me, both good and bad, inspire me and challenge me. I have been accused by nay-sayers of airing dirty laundry. And that is not it at all... I have never been down these roads... these bumpy and uncharted paths. I don't know of many in my situation and those who are, well, their journeys are in some cases similar and in some not at all. I often feel as though I am swiming against the tide and walking down the road with a blindfold over my eyes. My aim is simply to share with you... for you who are traveling a journey similar to mine or know someone who has... for you who have already been here and for you who may be here one day. Life is unknown and unpredictable... I have learned never to say never... I never thought I would be alone. And then it happened.

So now I am here to talk about love and loss, and dating. It's a subject I have wanted to talk about but haven't felt ready. And then I thought I was ready and I wasn't... nearly 3 weeks have passed and I have wanted to write about this and yet I haven't been able to. But here I am... putting myself out there and stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I have had the privelege to date a lot in the past year or so. I have had the privelege of meeting some incredibly wonderful people. It's amazing when a connection happens. It's amazing when two people connect on a physical, emotional and mental level. It's as if all the stars align themselves and nothing can go wrong in the world. Love is truly the most amazing feeling. Being in love is truly an incredible thing. Especially when you never expected it.... especially when you never saw it coming... so serendipitous!

Dating after divorce is an interesting thing. Your senses are heightened. You're aware, you're smarter... You're smarter about your decisions - about what you're looking for and what's important to you and what's not. You're not going to waste time with someone if it's not all there. But divorce wounds us all a little and we all find that sometimes it's hard to let the walls down, to feel safe and to trust completely. Eventually, little by little the layers of worry and doubt are peeled away. And when this happens it's the most marvelous and freeing thing. There's nothing more wonderful than feeling completely safe, at ease and relaxed with someone. There's nothing more wonderful than feeling that trust...

And then without warning, that perfect person comes along and tells you things you haven't heard in years or perhaps have never heard at all... And then that perfect person starts to have you believe that you are indeed fun and funny and smart and gorgeous and sexy... These are powerful things...Then that perfect person gives you back your sense of self and your self-confidence and suddenly even the most daunting task seems manageable. Many of you have had these all your lives or for a great portion of them... When you haven't you can't believe the beauty of these rather simple and ordinary words... You can't imagine how spectacular and extraordinary they truly are. And you realize, upon hearing them that they are gifts - precious, prized gifts that should never be taken for granted. In addition to all these wonderful gifts there is love. Love, the greatest gift of all.

But some things are not meant to be. And perfect doesn't exist. And some things simply do not last forever. When two people come together from fairly complicated backgrounds and pasts, there are bound to be obstacles and hurdles. Love simply cannot conquer all. Often one person is ready to move on to the next stage while the other simply cannot despite a yearning desire to be able to do so... Life is complicated. Divorce is complicated. Love is complicated. Two people have to be ready at the same time. If not, there is no balance... without balance one is bound to stumble and fall and without meaning to, one pulls the other down with him or her...

And so, in short, that is what happened to me. I had love. I wasn't looking for it. And truth be told I wasn't even entirely aware I had it until I lost it. Was it too late? No, never. Love is love and it is the most wonderful thing. But the timing and the balance simply weren't there. I know this, however, if you can love once, then you are capable of loving again. Love is an amazing, extraordinary gift. And love is a powerful thing. And all the gifts that came as a result of that love are amazing and priceless. I cannot imagine not having that love... I cannot imagine not having such wonderful memories to hang on to... memories that make me laugh and cry. Wonderful memories. I feel extremely fortunate to have met this person. I am so lucky and grateful that this person came into my life. And while my heart now aches for this person, I know that we were not meant to be... and what we had was indeed meant to be. I truly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!

XOXO,

Jessica