Fathers be good to your daughters...

It's something I tell my children daily - be careful of what you say. It's not what you say, but how you say it. Words have such a great impact, as well all know. They can litterally make us or break us. They can take us to the top of the highest peak or they can send us spiraling into the deepest ravine.

I encourage my kids to speak up and speak what's on their mind. I encourage them to be individual and unique. I encourage them to have their own thoughts and beliefs. They do not need to see the world through my eyes, in fact I would prefer them not to. My daughter, who has always been outspoken (Gee, I wonder where she gets that from!) has formed her own opinions of the world around her. Her world is still small but so far, at 14, she is not conforming to what society and others believe in. I love this! It makes me so very proud. I encourage her to speak her mind and the truth. We often have debates and discussions. And we often don't see eye to eye. But I recogninze and take value in the fact that these are her opinions and beliefs and that her opinions and beliefs are every bit just as important, if not more so, than my own. I encourage her to speak up, to take a stand, to speak her mind and her voice. I encourage her to be herself. I want her to be strong and self confident. And yes, I encourage her to talk back at me - not in a disrespectful way, mind you. Respect is important. Respect is huge. I demand respect. I expect respect. My children must respect me, their mother and they must respect each other. They absolutely must. So even when they are in a heated battle or fighting about something positively rediculous, they must, in the end, handle themselves with respect. Grace and dignity are important too, but they are still young. They will get there. They absolutely will get there. In the meantime they need to learn that it's important not to always have the last word. Sometimes they need to swallow their pride. It's an important skill in life. As is saying, yes, I see your side, even if you don't.

My children aren't perfect. They are far from it, but they are good and kind and caring children. The are sensitive and full of love. And just as children are apt to get, they get heated and passionate. And angry with eachother. Very angry. I encourage them to work things out amongst themselves and in the end they do. Sometimes I need to step in especially when hitting or pushing come into play. And when the screaming and negative talk come into play. I will tolerate my children standing up for themselves but I will not allow them to belittle one another. No way now how. Choose your words wisely, I tell them. It's not what you say, but how you say it.

Truthfully, I've never really experienced the negative and hurtful impact that words can have until I was married. As a child I was reprimanded for wrong and criticized often. However, words were chosen wisely, so that while I was being criticized I never once felt little, small, or badly about myself. The words were spoken in such a way that they were used as tools to better myself. I never once as a child or teenager felt worthless or little. Of course we all have our insecurities and we will have them until we die. It's a part of human nature. Hopefully as we grow we learn to handle them better and turn those insecurities into positives. Society puts so much pressure on us as women and on girls as teenagers that as parents we are obligated to reinforce their positives and there are indeed so very many.

But teenagers are different and difficult creatures. Hormones and society are major influencers over their thoughts and emotions. We can teach them to control them to a certain degree. In some instances I think that  sometimes my daughter speaks before she thinks. I think we've all done it and sometimes, if by accident, still do. I understand that my daughter will often blurt out. I understand that she gets frustrated. I understand that she can come off as having an attitude. But I also know that she is a wonderful person with a big heart. As I try to navigate the often choppy waters of parenthood, I try my best not only to do the right thing, but also, and almost more importantly, to be there for my children and love and nurture them unconditionally. Unconditionally. Life is hard. There are many battles to be fought and won. My child is not my battle. She is my miracle. My wonder. My everything. I may not agree. I may not see eye to eye. I may not like her behavior, but I will always love her and I will ALWAYS let her know that no matter what she is loved. Completely and unconditionally. Parenting is not a game. It is the most important job we can ever have. I have screwed up a lot of things in my lifetime, and I will be damned if I will screw up my children.

It took a marriage therapist to point out to me that I was in a marriage where my spouse was verbally and emotionally abusive. I won't go into more detail. It's not important. What's important is that I am out and trying to regain my positive self image and self esteem. I am working diligently at not second guessing myself and my actions... telling myself that No, I am not wasting time... and that what I am doing does indeed have meaning and value. And the sad thing is, is that it's taking someone else to show me that I have value and that I am strong and creative... And as I listen to this amazing person tell me this I wonder why it's so hard for me to accept and see... and then it dawns on me, my daughter is getting the same message I did. We talk about it openly and candidly. And she is so sad, so terribly sad and there is just so much that I, as her mother can do. Unfortunately the power of negativity has more impact than the power of positivity. I try to step in. I try to act as a mediator. I try to get both to see eachother's side, but it's not working. Instead I'm told to back away and not to meddle, not to offer parenting advice as it's not needed. This saddens me because in my opinion - which is just one opinion - it is needed. I have a very sad 14 year old who just wants approval and love from both parents, and, right or wrong, she is convinced she is only getting it from one. We need to handle our teenagers with care. They are delicate creatures. Fragile. They break easily. I'm so very affraid mine is so close to breaking.

The reason I sought the divorce was because I couldn't take any more. I couldn't go on one more day knowing that everything I did or said would be met with anger, opposition and criticism.I had no support. I was on my own left to my own devices. I was sinking and no one was there tossing me a life jacket. So I had to gather up all my strength and swim to the side and pull myself up to safety. Because as important as my children's happiness is to me, mine is as well. I gave my all, and still do, to my children, but I need to take care of myself too.

And so last night as I am trying to calm and soothe my daughter with the aid of smart phones and texting, my written words could hold no candle to the negativity and sadness that was going on over there. And then, for the very first time, I questioned my decision to divorce. I thought, if I could only turn back time, I would be there and she would be happy. Let me take the verbal punches, she shouldn't have to. I'd give my life for my own children and now, I can't help feel as though I've selfishly sacrificed theirs for mine...

I didn't sleep much last night. The reality of looming health issues are taking a toll on me... but worse is the knowledge that my daughter was keenly aware that her own father kissed her brothers goodnight but not her. Such a small act has such a profound and ever-lasting effect. I so worry about her and her future. Have we ruined her? Have I ruined her? I can't interfere. I've been told as much. But my advice to you all out there, especially fathers... be good to your daughters... You hold their futures in your hands. It's powerful stuff.

Please click on the link and listen to this... 

I've stepped out of my comfort zone here... but I had to.

XOXO,

Jessica