Are you afraid of the dark?

Why is it that everything seems to loom larger, scarier and more fantastic at night? Why is it that the small problems seem so big when darkness falls? Why do the larger ones consume us and shake us to our cores in the middle of the night? Why is it harder to process information? Is it because the world is quiet and still? Is it because no one else is around? Why is it?

I'm usually pretty good at handling life's greater challenges. I usually have a harder time sweating the smaller stuff, but something recently fell on my lap. I got some news. I got some big and life-changing news that will affect my world from here on in... My path has once again been diverted. I find myself, once again, having to jump off one path and onto another. I'm not ready to go into great detail as I haven't quite come to grips with everything or told many yet. I have a new situation to wrap my head around. I have a whole new set of challenges and changes. I'm at yet another fork in the road and not sure where to go. I'm waiting for cues and signs... I'm waiting for my heart and head and gut to tell me what to do and they aren't in sync yet.

With this I am just standing here, blankly, sort of dazed, sort of confused. In time, just as with everything else, the answers will come to me. I need to wait and be patient - something I'm not terribly good at doing. But I really have no choice. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I slept horribly and was up most of the night, when I was asleep it was restless and fitful. I'm quite exhausted. I'm quite drained. I want to go in one direction and a couple of friends are advising me not to... but my instincts are telling me to do one thing, the opposite of what I am being advised to do.

My instincts have yet to fail me and when I haven't listened to them I have failed myself. There is one aspect of this great event that I can control to one degree... But most of this I cannot. It's in the stars... fate... whatever... it's out of my control. This is fact terrifies me. I can't just leave things alone... Everything must be properly tucked into its place... A story is never finished... A photograph or painting are never truly perfect... And yet, with all of these I have to let go and sit back.

I believe in being positive. I believe in being happy. The eternal optomist... Pollyanna... and yet I am not. Reality is that I am keenly aware of everything around me, the good and the bad. I've been described as a ray of sunshine and people have said that I am always happy and that I exude happiness. I'm so glad to hear this - I think so much of our outcomes and so much of our futures have much to do with our outlooks. I have to be positive for myself and my children. But even the sunniest people have down moments. Even the sunniest people have obstacles that often seem insurmountable or daunting.

And so as I sit here and write and sort out my thoughts and fears I am starting to see more clearly and the answers are starting to come... It's daylight out now. Snow has fallen overnight and blanketed the ground. There is a sense of peace and calm beyond my window and the fears and monsters that have appeared during the night have, even if only temporarily, gone... As with everything else we go through in life I will take baby steps... I will think, plan and act swiftly, carefully and accordingly. There are no rooms for mistakes here.

This is proving to be another one of life's greatest lessons and another one of life's great challenges... There have been so very many lately, and I would like some sort of break, to tell you the truth. But I don't have time to take a break here. I cannot ignore. I must face my fears and uncertainties head on. I will accept another challenge. I hope to come out a winner. I know I will come out stronger. And I hope I can handle this with the same grace and dignity I've had to handle my other battles.

I was watching Downton Abbey last night to distract me from my own thoughts... Edith had just been left on the alter. Her entire world came crashing down... Her mother, The Countess of Grantham, said to her,
"You are being tested, and you know what they say about that my darling? Being testes only makes you stronger.

I thought I had been tested. I thought that was all behind me. But I guess I'm not strong enough yet. There's still work to be done...