how do you make sense of something so senseless?

About 20 hours ago in a town about 20 miles away a terrible and senseless tragedy took place yesterday. About 20 miles away from me there are 20 mothers who will never again be reunited with their children. About 20 miles away the unthinkable happened.

I cried all day yesterday and didn't sleep much last night.
As mothers we all suffer.
As mothers we all mourn.
As mothers we all grieve.
As mothers we all cry.

As mothers we cannot imagine the unimaginable. And yet the unimaginable happened.
Like the rest of the world, we listened to and watched the news, numb, saddened, tears running down our cheeks. I've received an outpouring of emails and texts and messages from friends and well wishers wanting to know if I lived near Sandy Hook and whether I was OK, whether my children were OK.
We are OK. But how do you define OK? We are safe. We are sound. My children are alive. But am I OK, no, I don't think I am. How can I be?

As a mother of a First Grader how can I not imagine the unimaginable? How can I not relate? How can I not cry and grieve and wonder how and why? I hate guns. God do I hate them. There I said it. I mean this not to be a post about guns and gun control. This is not about politics, but the loss of human lives. Innocent human lives. Babies, really.

My baby is not with me this weekend. He is with his father. And while I have never missed him as much as I have last night and this morning, I cannot begin to explain the guilt I have in feeling this way. I miss him, yes, but he is alive and I will see him again. I will hug him again. I will kiss him again. I will feel his touch again and wipe his tears again... But I have to tell you this weekend cannot be over fast enough.
Newtown has suffered a terrible tragedy and may never be the same again.
My small state has suffered a terrible tragedy and we will need time to mourn and heal.

As a mother I kept imagining myself in those shoes... I kept imagining my child in that school scared and that as a parent I was helpless. And then I imagined the unimaginable happening to me. I know I am not the only mother to do this. I imagined my baby in that classroom, lifeless on the floor - on the cold, hard floor, alone, without his mother. I imagined the fear in my baby's eyes, wanting his mother, needing his mother... I think this is what hits us the hardest. It matters not whether I am in Connecticut or in China. Mothers around the world feel the same pain, grief and sense of loss.

If my child died my world would be over.
I can tell you now that I would never recover. Never.
If my child died a part of me would as well.

I wrote about sadness the other day - of wishing that my children were babies - of wanting to turn back time. I can't turn back time but I do have my child. Suddenly wanting to turn back time seems so damn selfish.
Here are children who won't ever twirl in tutus or hug their stuffed animals.
Here are children who won't wait up for Santa, see another Birthday, play in the snow, swim in the ocean, hug their mothers... they'll never go to a school dance, share a first kiss, graduate from high school, get accepted to college, get married and have children. Mine don't have the tutus but they do  have all of the rest ahead of them.

We've had a very rough week. The house has been riddled with fevers and viruses. My daughter's gone into school twice in tears, mad at me both days. I had some shocking news delieverd to me that I haven't told the children or anyone save for a few close friends. As I try to wrap my head around my own week and my own events I now have this. I wondered about the mornings when my daughter went into the school, in tears, mad at me... I wondered about all those mornings I sent my youngest to school, frustrated with him and his situations... What if those had been lasts? What if I'd never gotten to say goodbye? What if I had a child home sick and therefore escaped tragedy? All these questions ran through and continue to run through my mind. I suppose it's true then, I suppse we really ought to live every day as though it's our last...

One of my greatest fears, as a single mother, is that something will happen to me and the children will lose their mother. I worry for my daughter. I worry for my boys. I worry for my youngest who is still so needy of me, my affection and my time. Of course, it's tragic for any child to lose his mother, but my children have been through enough - have lost enough. Their world's been rocked and their foundation has been cracked. They need certainty and stability. Children need their mothers. They need their mother's touch and nurturing and as important as their fathers are, Mothers are mothers. This fear I have, of leaving my children behind, of not being there to comfort them in their loss and grief is probably a bit over the top, and I'm sure there's some sort of definition or clinical word for it...but it really never dawned on my that I might lose my own child. It's really not something I worry about. I worry about nicks and scrapes. I worry about broken bones and I worry about their health as all mothers do. I try to keep a safe distance so that they can learn and grow, and even make mistakes. I have such a long and growing list of worries, I hate to add this to it too.

As we all continue to mourn this great loss and to make sense of something that's so senseless and makes no sense we must be there for our children. We are alive and they are very much alive. We must be there for them and strong for them and brave for them. We must continue to show our love for them and beyond anything we must assure them that they are safe... because from the bottom of my heart I truly believe this.

XOXO

Jessica