Heavy hearts... Single parenting and the holidays
I've been so overwrought with emotion, anguish and sadness, as I am sure you all have been, the past few days. Any distraction, no matter how small, was not only welcomed but needed. But even in our distractions, we've been brought back to the harsh reality that our world has changed greatly and that we've all, somehow, been affected. I know that I am not the only mother to break down and cry for no reason at all. I know I am not the only one highly sensitizied and overly sensitive. It doens't take much to start tears lately.
I tried to talk to a friend the other day. I tried to put into words how I was feeling about my new world and my new normal. I wanted to talk about the police cars at the schools and how I really didn't feel safer. I don't feel that the presence of a police officer will stop a lone gunman filled with anger and rage. Instead of supportive, comforting words I was told that I really couldn't talk about this - it was all too upsetting. But my friend doesn't live all that nearby and this isn't his world and maybe he can ignore it but I can't. And, frankly, I don't want to. Needless to say, a friendship has been strained now - I need friends who I can talk with and talk to and count on to be there for me, not those who wish to shut me out because they can't handle my situation or because my situation pains them. I've had too many of those.
When life throws curveballs my way I need to talk about them to express myself. I need to write about them. I need some sort of release, some sort of outlet. When I don't I get sick, physically and emotionally and violently. Yesterday was one of those days.
I've been throwing myself in trying to spread the word of various acts of goodwill and charities that are collecting teddy bears and office and school supplies for the temporary, new location for the Sandy Hook Elementary School. I know that my voice has made a huge difference here and am amazed at the incredible outpouring and generosity from my readers and followers nation-wide. But again, it all comes down to the fact that we are all suffering and we are all in pain. And we've all been changed.
When my Alexander, my first grader, came back home to me on Sunday, I was beyond overjoyed. He is the apple of my eye. He is love and warmth and funny and crazy and zany and wild and creative and intelligent and funny. And he can drive me insane! It was hard to have my 1st grader, so very much alive and so very full of life, running and sliding across the living room floor in his socks even when I repeatedly asked him to stop for fear he'd break something - either a bone or something of mine. Honestly, he breaks something of mine daily. And there he was blatantly disrespecting my wishes for him to stop, shouting out No! And skidding all over the floor. And there I was getting frustrated and angry. I wanted to let this behavior slide and be grateful that I had him home with me, but I couldn't. I still have to parent. I still have to set the rules. I still have to be the disiplinarian. I yelled. Loudly. He stopped, angry with me he huffed off into his room. The worst mom ever. The meanest mom in the world. I know he was thinking this all.
The next morning, Monday morning, we all set off to school. The kids seemed happy and fine - as happy and as fine as they are ever going to be on a Monday morning! I dropped my older two off first. The flag, at half mast, and the police officer standing in front of the school talking to the children just reminded me how suddenly changed we all were. Then I dropped off Alexander. Another police offer, and another. And two patrol cars. The children ran in seemingly as if all was still sugarplums and fairies in their little worlds. I then ran back into my car. Once again the tears streamed down. Once again sadness overcame, overwrought and overwhelmed me. Guilt, confusion, uncertainty. We're all struggling to make sense of this.
On Monday night, after being careless Alexander dropped and smashed my iPad. I yellled at him like I'd never yelled at him before. Yes, it was an accident. But it was a careless accident. A careless accident that could have and should have been avoided. The stress of recent events, the holidays and life in general just sent me off. It was the straw that broke this camel's back. I won't be replacing it any time soon, needless to say. I had every right to be angry, no furious with him. It's so hard to sacrifice everything you have for your children and then the few things you have that are ruined and broken cannot be replaced for any foreseeable future. It's all part of my reality now. My kids will always have wants but they will never have needs. I, on the other hand, have so many things that I do need. Frustrated and angry I lashed out on him - but with good reason. And then the guilt. I battled with myself for getting so angry with him... how insensitive could I be? I at least have a 7 year old to get mad at... but as a mother and as a responsible parent I couldn't let his actions slide. He needed to be held accountable and he needed to be punished. Our lives must go on.
I tried once more to connect with my friend who wanted no part of any discussion regarding the shootings. I tried to say how overwhelmed I was... I felt as though I was being swallowed whole, struggling like hell to keep my head above the water. "It's the holidays," he said. "It's that time of the year!" No, it's not the fucking holidays and it's not that fucking time of year! If it was all that simple. In addition to what we're all feeling from the events that took place last week, I've got several other issues at hand.
This is my first Christmas as a single parent. The emotional, physical and financial strains are incomprehensible unless you've been in my shoes. Christmas time is stressful enough as it is. To a single mother it's at least doubly so. Christmas is for the children so you have to make sure that you can give them the best possible Christmas. No, of course this doesn't mean getting them everything on their lists, but you do have to do the best you can to assure they will be smiling on Christmas morning. Our moods are solemn around here, so now I have to lift their spirits as well as my own. The additional expectations and finances fall all on my shoulders - teacher gifts, food for class parties, gifts for class grab bags, which by themselves are not much but when all totalled together make a significant impact on my time and wallet. But the thing that saddens me the most this year is the fact that my children will be leaving me on Christmas day... I'm often lonely without them, but Holidays are the worst... the absolute worst.
This is my first Christmas as a single mother. For the past two weeks I have been struggling to put on that smile and pretend that all is joyful and gay. I've been trying my hardest and I hope it shows, but I suspect deep down my kids sense my sadness. I'm sure many of you are feeling the same way right now...My heart is heavy... There, I said it.
XOXO,
Jessica
I tried to talk to a friend the other day. I tried to put into words how I was feeling about my new world and my new normal. I wanted to talk about the police cars at the schools and how I really didn't feel safer. I don't feel that the presence of a police officer will stop a lone gunman filled with anger and rage. Instead of supportive, comforting words I was told that I really couldn't talk about this - it was all too upsetting. But my friend doesn't live all that nearby and this isn't his world and maybe he can ignore it but I can't. And, frankly, I don't want to. Needless to say, a friendship has been strained now - I need friends who I can talk with and talk to and count on to be there for me, not those who wish to shut me out because they can't handle my situation or because my situation pains them. I've had too many of those.
When life throws curveballs my way I need to talk about them to express myself. I need to write about them. I need some sort of release, some sort of outlet. When I don't I get sick, physically and emotionally and violently. Yesterday was one of those days.
I've been throwing myself in trying to spread the word of various acts of goodwill and charities that are collecting teddy bears and office and school supplies for the temporary, new location for the Sandy Hook Elementary School. I know that my voice has made a huge difference here and am amazed at the incredible outpouring and generosity from my readers and followers nation-wide. But again, it all comes down to the fact that we are all suffering and we are all in pain. And we've all been changed.
When my Alexander, my first grader, came back home to me on Sunday, I was beyond overjoyed. He is the apple of my eye. He is love and warmth and funny and crazy and zany and wild and creative and intelligent and funny. And he can drive me insane! It was hard to have my 1st grader, so very much alive and so very full of life, running and sliding across the living room floor in his socks even when I repeatedly asked him to stop for fear he'd break something - either a bone or something of mine. Honestly, he breaks something of mine daily. And there he was blatantly disrespecting my wishes for him to stop, shouting out No! And skidding all over the floor. And there I was getting frustrated and angry. I wanted to let this behavior slide and be grateful that I had him home with me, but I couldn't. I still have to parent. I still have to set the rules. I still have to be the disiplinarian. I yelled. Loudly. He stopped, angry with me he huffed off into his room. The worst mom ever. The meanest mom in the world. I know he was thinking this all.
The next morning, Monday morning, we all set off to school. The kids seemed happy and fine - as happy and as fine as they are ever going to be on a Monday morning! I dropped my older two off first. The flag, at half mast, and the police officer standing in front of the school talking to the children just reminded me how suddenly changed we all were. Then I dropped off Alexander. Another police offer, and another. And two patrol cars. The children ran in seemingly as if all was still sugarplums and fairies in their little worlds. I then ran back into my car. Once again the tears streamed down. Once again sadness overcame, overwrought and overwhelmed me. Guilt, confusion, uncertainty. We're all struggling to make sense of this.
On Monday night, after being careless Alexander dropped and smashed my iPad. I yellled at him like I'd never yelled at him before. Yes, it was an accident. But it was a careless accident. A careless accident that could have and should have been avoided. The stress of recent events, the holidays and life in general just sent me off. It was the straw that broke this camel's back. I won't be replacing it any time soon, needless to say. I had every right to be angry, no furious with him. It's so hard to sacrifice everything you have for your children and then the few things you have that are ruined and broken cannot be replaced for any foreseeable future. It's all part of my reality now. My kids will always have wants but they will never have needs. I, on the other hand, have so many things that I do need. Frustrated and angry I lashed out on him - but with good reason. And then the guilt. I battled with myself for getting so angry with him... how insensitive could I be? I at least have a 7 year old to get mad at... but as a mother and as a responsible parent I couldn't let his actions slide. He needed to be held accountable and he needed to be punished. Our lives must go on.
I tried once more to connect with my friend who wanted no part of any discussion regarding the shootings. I tried to say how overwhelmed I was... I felt as though I was being swallowed whole, struggling like hell to keep my head above the water. "It's the holidays," he said. "It's that time of the year!" No, it's not the fucking holidays and it's not that fucking time of year! If it was all that simple. In addition to what we're all feeling from the events that took place last week, I've got several other issues at hand.
This is my first Christmas as a single parent. The emotional, physical and financial strains are incomprehensible unless you've been in my shoes. Christmas time is stressful enough as it is. To a single mother it's at least doubly so. Christmas is for the children so you have to make sure that you can give them the best possible Christmas. No, of course this doesn't mean getting them everything on their lists, but you do have to do the best you can to assure they will be smiling on Christmas morning. Our moods are solemn around here, so now I have to lift their spirits as well as my own. The additional expectations and finances fall all on my shoulders - teacher gifts, food for class parties, gifts for class grab bags, which by themselves are not much but when all totalled together make a significant impact on my time and wallet. But the thing that saddens me the most this year is the fact that my children will be leaving me on Christmas day... I'm often lonely without them, but Holidays are the worst... the absolute worst.
This is my first Christmas as a single mother. For the past two weeks I have been struggling to put on that smile and pretend that all is joyful and gay. I've been trying my hardest and I hope it shows, but I suspect deep down my kids sense my sadness. I'm sure many of you are feeling the same way right now...My heart is heavy... There, I said it.
XOXO,
Jessica
hugs, my friend. It has been a heartbreaking, devastating, hellish week. On top of the difficult couple years you've had, on top of the holiday stress... it's too much for one person to handle on her own. I'm sorry your friend did not want to talk and could not be there to support you. You WILL have a merry christmas with your dear children. I have faith that you will. I'm just sorry it will be cut short. Throw out the to-do list. If things don't get done, so be it. Wrap the kid's gifts and anything else just doesn't matter right now.
ReplyDeleteLove you.
Please find someone to talk to. You have so very much on your plate and you are right, you need a place to vent and to work through all of these feelings and issues. It's normal to try and shove those things down but they will continue to well to the surface until you've dealt with them. Unresolved issues and feelings will only snowball inside you.
ReplyDeleteIf you are already feeling that you're children are seeing through the facade you're attempting for the, them it's time. If you don't have family or a friend that you can rely on please, please find a professional. Your words sound deeply troubled and fraught with anxiety and depression. Each individual post is heartfelt and topical but when read together it paints a picture of someone deeply pained and in need of help.
You have to take care of yourself to be the mother and person that you want to be.
Please find someone to talk to. You have so very much on your plate and you are right, you need a place to vent and to work through all of these feelings and issues. It's normal to try and shove those things down but they will continue to well to the surface until you've dealt with them. Unresolved issues and feelings will only snowball inside you.
ReplyDeleteIf you are already feeling that you're children are seeing through the facade you're attempting for the, them it's time. If you don't have family or a friend that you can rely on please, please find a professional. Your words sound deeply troubled and fraught with anxiety and depression. Each individual post is heartfelt and topical but when read together it paints a picture of someone deeply pained and in need of help.
You have to take care of yourself to be the mother and person that you want to be.
Dear Anonymous - I am fine, really... thank you for your kind words.
ReplyDeleteI have a couple of dear friends whom I rely on - whose shoulders I can cry on... who I can whine to... It's a hard time of year. We all have a lot to juggle and balance and manage. Toss in the recent events, my new role as a single mother and it's a lot. I will manage. I always do. We are incredibly strong and resilient creatures. I use this platform to share with others how I feel because I know so many others are feeling the same way. I want them to know that they are, and that it's OK to feel this way. I get emails and messages thanking me for my posts all the time. I just want people to know that they aren't alone. As we travel through our new journeys we need to know that there are others out there who sense and feel the same ways we do.
Hugs and I'll be thinking of you and sending you warm well wishes on Christmas day.
ReplyDelete