2012, a year in review...

So very much has happened in 2012 and it has indeed been a very bittersweet year. I thought that getting through my divorce in one piece would be my greatest challenge. I thought that once that battle was over the world would be a rosy place, that I'd be at peace and that everything would start falling into place. And while for the mostpart this is true, there's still a lot to be sorted out. There's a lot yet to learn. There's a lot to absorb and this is a time of great adjustment. It's not been a year yet and while I feel as though my feet are nearly firmly planted on the ground, I don't quite yet get the sense that the ground beneath me is sturdy. I still stumble and I still fall. I still pick myself up quite a bit. I have adjustments. I have had tremendous personal growth and yet I'm realizing I still have a long way to go. Life is bumpy and I am not entirely sure why I expected the roads ahead to be nothing but smooth. In so many ways I see just how strong I am, and in so many ways I see how much stronger I need to become.

I  think, in many ways and as horrible as divorce is, that it has made me stronger and better. It has made me more patient and more tolerant. I try not to sweat the little stuff and I realize indeed what's really important in life. I am pretty sure I have known this all the time. I try not to complain though I do still. I think it's natural. I complain out of frustration. I complained last night at how stupid my car was because I could not get up my snowy hill and had skidded onto the side of uncoming traffic. It was terrifying for sure. I wished I had my old SUV that had been taken away from me. It's stupid, I know. Materialistic, perhaps. But it was my safety. I would have gotten up that hill without any hesitation. Instead I grasped the steering wheel with my white knuckles praying that something much larger wasn't going to come slamming into me. A friend and neighbor in an SUV happened to be right behind me and saw me struggling to make it home safely. He followed me into my driveway to be certain of my safe arrival. I was indeed grateful. Out of frustration, and fear I started screaming out obcenities at my car. And then I heard myself and realized just how stupid I sounded. I have a car. I ought to be grateful for that, hadn't I? There are things about my old life and lifestyle I do miss. I will admit this wholeheartedly. But I do not miss the unhappiness at all. Not one bit.

I have to figure everything for myself. I am not a member of a team. I have no partner. It's frightening, certainly but it has helped make me stronger. I rely on no one anymore. I can't. I am grateful to have a couple of close friends relatively nearby who can help in a pinch. My greatest weakness, right now, is asking for help. I always feel like I'm imposing. I need to work on this because there are times I do need help.

Am I where I thought I would be a year ago? Yes. Yes and No. I am happy and at peace. I am positive that the right decisions have been made. And even in my darkest days, yes, they still come, I know that I am in the right place and that in time everything will work itself out. There's a plan out there. I need to figure out what that plan is. I need to get back on my feet. I feel as though I've stopped movning forward. I think the holidays put a halt to that. There's nothing like being alone during the holidays. There's nothing like being by yourself on Thanksgiving, Christmas day and New Year's. I was alone on my Birthday too. It was a big one for me. I turned 45 in June. And other than kisses from the children it was barely acknowledged. No cards, handmade or store bought. No flowers, hand picked or store bought. No goodies, baked or store bought. I needn't some large and lavish gift, but a small homemade token would have been lovely and probably would have meant more to me than any other gift.

It's all eye-opening and it certainly is cause for thought. I've always been the social one. I've always been the one surrounded by friends. So why do I find myself alone? Because I haven't reached out. And maybe I should have. I don't have family nearby, and as an only child, I have no siblings to reach out to either. As a child I wanted a sibling, a built-in playmate... as an adult I wish I had one as well... I urge you all who are reading this and in my position, or soon to be, to please make sure that you always have family and friends within reach. I stopped reaching out at some point. I'm not sure why I did, but I did. It's the whole asking thing - I just don't like it. We're all busy and I hate to bother anyone. I suppose I should have. And who wants a third wheel hanging around? And by the same token I can say that some people I thought would reach out to me haven't. It's a two way street. And alas, my closest friends do not live nearby...

So here I am on the eve of New Year's Eve wondering how I got here... and wondering where to go next. I love to be alone, it's when I can be most productive, but I hate to be lonely. Nobody should have to be lonely. Ever. I need to work on changing this. I used to be very involved with the school my older two attend, but now due to work, location and my need to get my youngest off to another school on the other side of town I cannot linger and socialize, strategize and volunteer. And the other school hasn't been at all welcoming. There's work, but writing is a very individual profession - hardly social at all. And I have ventured into the dating world (more on that to come... the good, the bad and the ugly... oy vey!) and that helps, but it's not the same thing... and it's all so tenuous and fragile because as you develop a relationship with someone, when it's over you lose another set of friends. So, in the end, it's up to me - up to you - to make sure that you are never alone unless you want to be alone. I'm still trying to figure all this out.

I, for one, am glad to say goodbye to 2012 and I welcome 2013 with wide and open arms. I love the hope that the New Year brings... promises for all things good and spectacular. I am determined to make this one a spectacular year indeed!

Amid Life will see some changes in the upcoming year as well. I will have some guest bloggers share their views, opinions and experiences on life as a single mother, or about divorce, or aging or just managing. In many cases I have assured that some of these writers will be anonynmous posters. While I am able to put myself out there, many cannot and we need to respect their privacy and their wishes. I am looking forward to these new voices and new thoughts.

And in the end I want to thank you all who've encouraged, supported and stuck by me with your kind comments emails and notes. You can't imagine how comforting your words have been.

I wish you all a very Happy, Healthy and Prosperous New Year!

XOXO,

Jessica