I will stand on my own two feet :: Navigating the journey of divorce

I do not write to please everyone. I do not write because I think it will make people happy. (Though, of course I do like to make people happy.) I do not write words because I think they are what you want to hear or what you want me to say. I have a voice and I am not shy about using it. I am vocal. I always have been. I remain true to my thoughts and my convictions. I always have and I always will. I can see many sides to a story. I can compromise when I deem it to be necessary. But I will stand on my own two feet. I always have and I always will. I will not back down because you may or may not agree with me. You don't have to. We are all different and all entitled to our own opinions, thoughts and beliefs. The words and thoughts here are mine. They are my opinions, thoughts and beliefs.

I started this site because after sharing a story or two on my other blog, the response I had from my readers was beyond overwhelming positive. Because you could relate to my words or knew of someone who could relate. You have been sent here by friends or you've sent your friends here. Many of us are traveling similar journeys and it is important for me to let you all know that you are not alone. It is important for me to know that I am not alone

I assure you all that when it comes to my privacy and my family's privacy, I leave out intimate details. Yes, I consider my ex husband to be part of my family. I do not voice things on this blog that I have not voiced to family members in person.

In terms of keeping the family unit strong, I try as best as I can. It is important for me to know that as parents we are both involved as much as possible in our children's lives. The children may not want both parents now, but down the road I believe that they will be glad to know that they were glad to see that we were both here for them. I will go into this in greater detail at a later time.

We all have different parenting styles. Our children are different. Our families, backgrounds and neighborhoods are all different. I parent my way. It is the way I best see fit to raise my children. It works for me and my children. I can only do my best. I am not a helicopter parent. I have never been one. I believe in letting children have their freedom (within limits, of course) to make their own decisions and make their own  mistakes if they have to. There is no greater lesson learned than that from a mistake. I can beg and plead with my child not to scooter so fast at the end of my street as it slopes downward and he may fall and get hurt. My child can take my advice or not. If he chooses not to do so, he will most likely fall down and get hurt. If the latter happens he will have learned his lesson. I will wipe his tears and comfort him and tell him that I tell him things for reason. He will have learned his lesson the hard way. That is a mistake that won't be repeated. This happens through the course of childhood. I cannot always be there to hold my children's hands. Some times I would like to. Other times not so much.

That's sort of how I see this blog. It's a lesson and a culmination of lessons to be learned. I will not reveal anything too personal, but I will share in a manner I see relate-able. I will not mince my words. I will not sugar-coat them. I am simply being open and honest, to a fault, perhaps but the only way we will ever move forward is if we look at the truth. Hiding behind it, denying it, won't help anyone.

This is how I parent. I am honest with my children. I do not shield them from anything. I don't think that's beneficial to anyone. I think children need honesty. There are ways to talk to children, and as no two children are alike we cannot talk to them alike. I can't, for example, talk to my 6 year old in the manner I talk to my 13 year old. It is not appropriate.

I am very expressive. If I am hurt, angry or scared I will convey these feelings to my children. They need to understand how I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. They know that their world has changed and they need to know why we need to adapt to those changes. As a child, money was a taboo subject and we never talked about money or finances. I do not believe this is a good practice. My children need to know the value of a dollar. They need to understand that, let's say, we go out for ice cream or pizza, then we have to cut back elsewhere - most likely at the grocery store - and that they can't simply toss every box of cookies or quart of ice cream into the shopping cart. They need to understand that money (for most of us) is not an endless supply. I talk to them openly and candidly. I simply couldn't let my daughter get the $9 loose-leaf binders just because they were prettier. I "made" her get the $5 binders. We saved $20 in so doing, or enough Pinkberry frozen yogurts for all of us!

"They" say you need to shelter your children from the nastiness of divorce, and while I do think that is true, children are wise beyond their years and they see everything. To brush everything under the carpet, in my opinion is wrong. I simply will not pretend that everything is OK. When they ask a question I answer it truthfully. I am not perfect nor is their father and while I want them to have healthy and open relationships with both of us I will not pretend that everything is hunky dory. I will not. You can agree and you can agree to disagree, I just ask that you respect my wishes and keep the unkind words to yourself.

I have learned over the last two years never to judge. It is simply not fair. I do not know your situation and I have not walked in your shoes. I ask, in return, that you not judge me.

I need this site and I know many of you out there do as well. I will not stop writing and I make no apologies for the words I write or the thoughts in my head. This is me. This is who I am. I am not changing. I am strong, I am brave, and I am striving to be the best person I possibly can be. 

Thank you,

Jessica