Divorce is a foreign language

I'm learning really quickly that once a divorce has been declared by the court and the contents have been (more or less) divided and one household becomes two separate ones, all has not been said and done. By any means. I suppose this applies mostly to divorced parents than a divorced couple without children who can go along merrily on their separate ways, never have to see or speak to each other again.

A couple who has children is never really separated. True, both can go on to lead vastly different lives but they will always be connected, and rightly they should be. They are still bound together by their own flesh and blood. Children need their parents. Children need their parents to work together. Children need to know that their parents are still there for them and will always be there for them. Children need to know that their parents will always have their best interests at heart.Children need to know that their parents will always see eye to eye. And this is where it gets difficult because this is often where part of the trouble began. They never really saw eye to eye in the first place. And compromise could not always be met. And so arguments ensued. And even after the divorce, the same matters at hand will most likely arise.

There will, for a while, be anger, bitterness and sadness. Two people may continue to have difficulties reaching agreements and seeing eye to eye. The He Says She says will continue. To add to the confusion and to make things harder and more complex children will talk and express their feelings of sadness, confusion and anger. They will tell one parent certain things about another parent. And vice versa. Children will become closer to one parent and not like another parent. This may be in part due to the divorce and it may in part due to the children's ages. A teenage girl will be fiercely loyal to her mother. It's the nature of the beast.

And as parents we listen to our children and talk to them as they voice their concerns and fear, likes and dislikes. And we will become angered, often enraged at what we hear... when we hear that their other parent is acting irresponsibly, meanly or in a manner they do not see fit. We must listen to our children and know that somewhere in there is the truth. We must take the information at hand and figure out best how to use it and what to do with it.

My daughter does not want to be with her father these days. She never wants to leave my house and we often have tears and battles before she heads off to her other house. And often from there I will receive endless amounts of texts, telling me how unhappy she is... how her father is always angry with her... how she never does anything right. I must then use that information and determine how much of this is true and how much of it has been twisted into something it really isn't. It's not all black and white. There is a great deal of grey matter and we must try to decipher this. We must try to translate the language of divorce. Sometimes siblings can corroborate. Often they can't. You may think to yourselves, after reading this, that I should keep my daughter with me, and I have on occasion, but for two reasons I don't. As a work at home mother, I desperately need the quiet, down-time to get work down. (My daughter is a chatterbox!) And, even more importantly, my daughter may not have a great relationship with her father at the moment, but I don't want to see the frayed edges become more tattered, torn and I don't want to see their fabric completely unwoven. She needs to be with him. He needs to be with her. They need to get reacquainted... I hope this happens. I hope this damaged bond can be healed. Both will need to work on this. Both are stubborn...

I was not happy to hear that their father went out on Saturday night. I was not happy to hear this because he has his kids two weekends a month and but a few hours during the week. I was not happy to hear this because he hired an irresponsible babysitter who let the children stay up until 12:30 - as in after Midnight. I am not bothered so much that the older two were up, but certainly a 6 year old must have a curfew. I am not happy that their father returned home after Midnight. He has enough free time that his social life shouldn't dip into his time with the children. Oftentimes people will rearrange their schedules for me. I would have watched the children that night, but I had plans as well. As a parent, our responsibility is to our children. Our children are our priorities. Everything else is second. Everything else should be second.

As with everything there are two sides to a story. In the case of divorce there are often three, or more, depending on how many children there are. All three, or more, stories are often spoken in a foreign language.

I document everything still. I am divorced but this is not the end of my story. I still worry about my children and always will. I have recent pictures on file, as well as texts from my daughter. Sometimes I can find a common ground... sometimes I feel that my daughter can exaggerate or that her view of her situation is skewed. But as parents we cannot just let that slide. How and what our children are thinking are crucially important. Their mental and physical well-beings are perhaps even more important than they were before-hand. Never dismiss what your children are telling you. Write everything down. Talk to your ex if you can. Talk to other divorced parents. Talk to professionals. And, it wouldn't behoove you to keep a dialog with your lawyer. As a mother I will always worry about my children. As a divorced mother, I probably worry about them even more.

XOXO

Jessica