Raw. Exposed.

I've been meaning to write. I start and stop. Start and stop. And then I take a long pause, review what I've written and hit the delete button which is not nearly as dramatic or visually and orally as exciting as crumpling up that piece of yellow lined paper (my preference over white lined paper - a sort of addiction of mine to tell you the truth!) and watching it fly across the room and going in, or hitting the rim, or not even coming close to  the wastebasket. There was something visually appealing, yet distressing, about seeing that waste bin overflowing with yellow lined crumpled up balls. And while you may have spent hour upon hour writing and crumpling, there was something tangible to prove that you had at least been trying. The delete button is dangerous. It gives the illusion that you've been sitting on  your derriere for hours accomplishing nothing more strenuous than a daydream. I write on my laptop because it is easy but it is not my preferred method. You see, I am lazy. To write by hand and then to retype everything on to a laptop uses extra time and energy. Lazy people do not like this. But I wrote my review of Anne Morrow Lindbergh's Gift from The Sea for The Daily Basics (link in below post) on a small lined notebook with a felt tipped pen from the playground of all places. And I dare say it may be one of my best pieces of writing to date. But I'm rambling and getting off topic as I am apt to do.

So the point of this whole blog is to be as open and honest with you all as possible. While I'm an open book and will tell everyone the most intimate details of my life, I'm really not so apt to do this on a public platform and talk with strangers about my life... not all of you are strangers. Many of you have contacted me personally, know me or have left comments over the years on my other blog. But I never know who's reading this and what opinions they are forming of me in their mind. And that shouldn't matter. It shouldn't matter in the least. For if you don't know me you have no idea what it's like to walk in my shoes. You can make assumptions based on the information I've chosen to share, but that's like to solve a math equation with a missing or wrong number. So, I vow to make this blog more personal, more intimate. So many of you are traveling similar paths, my point is to share with you my experiences - the good as well as the bad.

I've always thought of myself as a lucky person. I've always gotten what I have wanted out of life through work, determination and sometimes sheer luck. I've never experienced anything traumatic and I do believe that things happen for a reason... I also believe that everything has a way of working out... I do believe that the best is yet to come. These past couple of years have been tough to say the least. I've been challenged, put to the test and experienced every set of emotions from high to low, many times over. My choice to be positive has kept me afloat. My choice to handle my situation with grace and dignity (for the most part) has kept me grounded and focused. In many ways we can control  our destinies, and yet, as I am learning, sometimes this is completely out of our hands, and we must trust, we must have the faith. We must keep our chins up and march forward - with determination and a smile on our face whenever possible.

I think, last week, I hit rock bottom. Actually, I think the bottom fell out. So I'm thinking, as I've thought so many times before, that there's no way to go but back up. And it's where I'm headed... I'll keep shooting for the stars. It's just the way I am.

In one week I've had my heart broken and learned that I am in financial ruins. Yes, I'm dating and will share those stories (the good, the bad, and the hilarious, another time.) Ok, well, not so much broken but terribly bruised and deflated. Or was that my ego? I think it was a little bit of both. I trusted in the words that were being spoken to me... I trusted that I mattered and that someone cared for me... The words made me smile. The words made my heart sing... they made my ego and my heart swell ... and then it seemed, almost overnight, that my ego and heart had been trampled upon. It really made no sense to me at all. All I know is that I was hurt. I was crushed and all the good I felt about myself had been forgotten. Why is it that when something does not work out to our liking that we automatically find fault in ourselves, that our every imperfection stands out, magnified? All our feelings of inadequacy come to the surface. Being dumped hurts, no matter how much or how little you care for the person.

I'm trying to secure health insurance for myself. I can activate COBRA but would prefer not to. It's expensive, for one, and then I'd have to through this whole, ridiculous nonsense again when that temporary policy ends. I've been denied insurance from Cigna based on shoulder surgery, and complications from it, over two years ago. And, based on the interview I had with Aetna, I'm pretty sure I'll be denied again. To all of you who have asked if this is legal, yes it is. Unless you live in Massachusetts, apparently, but I don't live there. And then my mother called me yesterday. "I know you don't like Obama," she said. (My mom can lean towards the democratic side of things... My father and I lean the other way...) I was about to close my eyes and sing lalalalalalalalalala while she spoke, but somehow I heard her words. "He's going to make this whole pre-existing condition thing illegal," she continued."He's going to make it a law that insurance companies won't be able to turn you away for a pre-existing condition." Tempting as it seems, I'm not buying it. He's been in office for long enough already and he should have done something about this already while the country's going to pot... This  is not meant to be a political blog, so I am going to shut up right here. I'll try for Blue Cross/Blue Shield next... Never give up. Never let them see you sweat... Argh...

Financial issues are bad right now. And by bad I mean very bad. Very, very, very very bad. I applied for not one but three different credit cards. I have no credit card. I have nothing in case of emergency. If something happens it could be very bad. It could be very, very bad. I was trying to get a personal card as well as one for my business. I know my credit is not in great standing. I've known this since my ex husband decided, abruptly, to stop paying for my car nearly causing it to be repo'd... How crazy and strange this all seems. How crazy that just a few years ago I owned an expensive home and had a sizable savings. And now it's gone. All of it. Everything. Down to the last drop. A combination of the market crash, a tanking real estate market, divorce and other issues have caused this. It's a very scary place to be. It's a very scary place to be and to have to be responsible for three young children...

I'm literally on the brink of nothing... the wind could blow the wrong way... or too hard... And then the wind did blow... I got a call from an unknown number in New Jersey on my cell phone and I almost let the message to into my voice mail but decided to answer it nonetheless... The voice on the other end asked for my ex husband. I replied saying that the number that was dialed was a cell number and that the person he was trying to reach was never reachable at this number. I introduced myself. And then the voice on the other end introduced himself. He was with Suchandsuch Bank. Our mortgage company. Crap. My heart sank. I wanted to throw up. I knew what was going on... This had actually been planned and while that was the case, I didn't have to like it. Our home is worth a lot less than we paid for. A lot less. And we'll sell it at a loss. We mortgaged wisely, putting down the necessary down-payment, but that doesn't matter. What happened to the economy is out of our hands. And now we have this massive problem sitting on our hands. The only way to sell the home at this point is to short sell. The only way the bank will agree to offset the costs is to default in payment. The only way to try to avoid a foreclosure, which neither bank or homeowner want is to have a short sale. And the only way to do this is default on the mortgage. This is all being done under the close scrutiny of lawyers, but it is scary none the less.

I'm angry to tell you the truth. I'm angry because I truly think this could be avoided. When we put our home on the market a year ago I wanted to go with a Realtor who had a very fair and competitive price. The house would have moved. This fiasco would have been averted. But no, he never took my advice. My opinion never mattered. We went with the Realtor who gave us the highest dollar amount. It was significant. It was perhaps the greatest mistake made. Shortly thereafter she admitted to having the house listed too high. Shortly thereafter she was scrambling to correct her mistakes before taking off here and there for the rest of the summer... completely unreachable. I was furious then. I still am. I wanted to fire her. She and my ex set the path to disaster.

And here I am. And this is me and this is me being honest.
So my life is not just about the kind finds and Lily Pulitzer and my little home by the sea... So my life is not just about getting through and overcoming divorce and getting back on my feet professionally and emotionally, but trying to put all the financial pieces back together as well.

So what I have is nothing right now. 
But I truly believe I have so very much.
As pointed out to me by a good friend last night I have a wonderfully supportive family. I have friends who love and care about me... I really have so very, very much.


I will NOT feel sorry for myself.
I will continue to plug along.
I have my priorities set. My children come first. They will be fed and cared for. Their needs will be, and have been, placed before mine. We will get by. We always do. I can't let a little blip stop me in my tracks or slow me down. My children need me, emotionally and physically. I will not disappoint! 


Wishing you all a wonderful week and hoping that I can inspire you to move on when you think that you can't! 


XOXO

Jessica

I have a call into a lawyer who specializes (and is supposed to be the best) in restoring credit. I believe this is where I need to start. How will I pay? I will have to borrow from family, but it's too important not to.

And so here I am. Raw. Exposed. Feeling as though I'm standing in front of you all without a sheet or towel to cover myself with... Honest, real. This is me.