on wanting and needing and asking for help...

I've started and stopped so many blog posts over the past week. I have so much I want to talk about... so much I want to share... so much I want to ask but then as I sit to write, the words fail me. I'm really not too sure why this is. Maybe because some of this stuff is just so very personal. And while the point of this blog was to be open and honest and real from the get-go, I still keep my private life private. But as I write about my life, as I write about my life and home over at The Entertaining House, I try to paint a realistic picture. I try to not let it seem as though my life is perfect and all sunshine and roses, because it is not. My house has sand and dust. And no matter how much I vacuum the sand still remains. I wish I had more furniture. I wish I had more lights. More rugs. More cooking supplies. More to keep my children busy. And in due time I will have all of this again, and meanwhile I am more than making do with what I have. How dare I complain about my tiny, sandy home when I have the ocean practically in my backyard?

I'm learning to manage on my own. I am learning to handle everything on my own. I have only myself to rely on.  I have learned, after all, that I cannot rely on others... I simply cannot. It would be nice one day to be able to do so, but right now, I just have myself. I am forced, therefore, not to give up, not to back down. My kids need me. I need me.

And sometimes the smallest things can set me back. Trying to zip up the back of a dress when no one is around to help me. Opening the doors to my back porch only to be welcomed by a swarm of termites. To find that a small mouse is living beneath my front door... Running out of milk.. Running out of coffee... Running out of wine!

I'm better with the bigger issues than the smaller ones. Why this is, I am not sure.

And why is it that when one thing goes wrong, there seems to be a domino effect, wherein everything seemingly comes crashing down at once? And sometimes I need help and want help but won't ask for it because for many years I was made to feel incapable when I did. It's not right and it is wrong, but needing and asking for help isn't a sign of weakness, I know this, but yet I was treated as though I was weak. And then help was denied, when I really did need it, when I finally asked, my request would be denied. Really, I never understood that? Is it not human nature to want to extend a hand to someone in distress? I know that I am being punished, still, for causing hurt and pain, but to deny someone the help they need or to walk away and pretend they don't is vengeful and spiteful. It is immature and sets a bad tone and a bad example to one's children who watch and see everything. I don't ask anymore. I have stopped asking. But I am still amazed that one wouldn't offer up some guidance and support. I know I would.  I know I still do. I know I will always do so. It's just how I am.

XOXO

Jessica