changes...

So many things change when you go through a divorce. For me, I think, it's the social aspect that changes the most. I'm really not sure why it's this way, why it has to be this way, but it seems to happen. My phone doesn't ring the way it used to. The kids and I are no longer invited out and included in plans and activities the way we used to be. Our summers and days and evenings used to be jam-packed. I remember once wondering where the slow, lazy, hazy days of summer had gone as we seemed to still be rushing to event, activity, party - nonstop. We used to long for a break. Now, not so much. Sure, everyone is still friendly, but we're no longer included in outings, barbecues, get-togethers on the beach... etcetera... I'm a social person. I thrive around other people. I love to organize events, parties, etc... Ordinarily I would be happy to have people at my house but my new home is too small to accommodate many people, especially children. We are not yet equipped to have people outside... lack of stuff to do/grill/furniture is the main reason!

The boys are bored. To tears. We've been to the beach a lot but I think they are even getting bored with that. Their friends are all away or at camps. They have each other, but they are 4+ years apart and they need more than just each other. I've been their entertainment provider, for the most part, since summer started, which for them was in early June. But they need more. It's been a rainy, thundery morning and a welcome relief... I've put the television on and let it provide the entertainment that eludes me now. Shortly, when this piece is written, I'll get out the craft stuff and we'll find some projects to keep us busy. The air is cooler now. Baking always entertains them. My older son can take over in the kitchen now. He's got the maturity and the talent.

I've been so grateful to my daughter, 13, who's done a fair amount of babysitting for me this summer. She's allowed me the flexibility and freedom to escape for a few hours in the evenings. Without her I would feel completely trapped. I'm the type of person who needs a reprieve - I think we all do. I've been on a few dates and love being able to switch from Mommy mode, to Me mode... to strike up adult conversation and use my intellect. I love meeting new people. I probably accept more dates than I should, meaning I use dating as an excuse to get out of the house - it's really my only means of getting a break these days. Perhaps it's wrong, perhaps it's not. It's all part of my "you'll never know if you don't try" approach to life and stepping out of my comfort zone to try new experiences. I've done things and gone places that I never would have two years ago either from fear or insecurity, but once you put those aside, and take a chance at doing something new you see that the world is even bigger and brighter than you had imagined. And you may not love all your experiences, and there may be times you were someplace, while wishing you were elsewhere, or even in your own bed with your comfy duvet and a glass of wine! But you'll never regret stepping outside of your home, but if you never leave your home you'll always wonder what's out there... and that's sort of my approach to dating. I'm not sitting and watching life pass me by...

But yet, sometimes, with the kids, I feel as though that's happening. I try my best to entertain them and keep them busy and do things with them, take them to places both old and new, but I can't do this all the time. I need to work within a set budget. I need to make sure that not only are my children being stimulated, entertained and kept busy, but I need to make sure that I have a safety net. I have no one to rely on (spouse) to help in the case of emergency. I have only myself.

As long as we try our best, that's what's most important, isn't it? I don't want my children to look back on their childhoods wishing that they could have done more or had more, but I want them to look back and reflect with smiles on their faces. I feel as though they've been cheated. Initially caught up in a nasty marriage, then caught up in a nasty divorce. I wish there was a way to make it better, take back the bad and give them the good... I have horrible guilt over this.

I have guilt over the fact that they were not allowed to bring their bicycles here even though they can't ride them at their father's house. I have guilt over the fact there's not much for them to do here... that they are genuinely bored... that my place is so small... that the boys have to share a room... I have guilt over the fact they rarely talk to their father... that they haven't seen him in just about a week and the phone hasn't rung once... I have guilt over the fact that I am tired and drained and frazzled... that I can't seem to give anything 100% of my attention... Of course they don't know differently, but I do... The only thing I don't feel guilty about is getting out of the house and enjoying myself and meeting people, but then I feel terribly guilty that I'm not feeling guilty!

I've only been divorced a couple of months... I'm just learning the ropes... being a single mother is at once wonderful and yet incredibly challenging! For every fear, every hardship, ever panic attack, every tear I have shed, I have never, ever, wanted to turn back and head back from where I came. Ever.

XOXO

Jessica