a birthday like no other... another in my year of firsts

via rawrrrxamanda - Flickr

It was a big one. It was a milestone. I wanted to be festive. I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to shout it out. And yet I wanted to crawl under a rock... to sleep through the day... to hide from the world... from my children... from myself. Another in my new world of Firsts has come and gone. The day was just like any other without pomp or circumstance. 

My Birthday was on Friday. I turned 45. It was a big one. For me, Birthdays are not about gifts, they're about acknowledgment. I don't need expensive or fancy toys. A card or flowers are lovely. They're perfect. But I got none this this year. I got nothing. There were no candles, no cake, no handmade cards, no handpicked flowers. No crafts... and so it was, my 45th Birthday, my first Birthday as a single mother and it kind of sucked. 

I could have told people that it was my Birthday but I didn't want anyone to go out of their way for me. I didn't want to trouble anyone. I didn't want pity. I did want a little attention. I did want want some love and support. 

The day, I can't even say was not unlike any other. It was a memorable one for sure. It all started off when I had been to Starbucks and was enjoying a nice cappuccino with my daughter. I didn't put the lid back on securely and when I went to take a sip hot coffee came pouring out... all over my brand new white jeans and light blue Lilly Pulitzer tunic. We were to be at my son's DARE graduation in just 5 minutes. But I was filthy, soaked and slightly burned. I had to go home and change. So we did. I changed and fast as I could and drove back as fast as I could... and missed his graduation. He didn't care. I did of course. I felt as though I had let him down. I felt as though I had failed him... as though this was yet another things I could not keep on top of - which has been happening more and more lately. 

We left the school and my daughter and I had plenty of errands to run and things to do to occupy our time. She had no school on Friday as she had just finished her exams. Target was on our hit list. We had a few small things to pick up and then ended up by the basket ball hoops. We stood there and looked. I decided it would be a worthwhile investment and so I decided to get it because my children need to be outside this summer. Getting it in and out of the car was another struggle. 

The afternoon ended with a pool party. And all was fine until ...

I slashed my tire when I accidentally scraped it against a jagged granite curb. Happy Birthday to me! I wanted to cry. I really did. I wanted to break down and sob but in my old age I know that wouldn't have solved a thing. I called AAA and while I waited we went inside to our friends' house where we waited comfortably. We could have broken down in a much worse place. We were lucky. I can never forget that. In spite of everything. In spite of a crappy Birthday and the unnecessary expense of needing a new tire due to my carelessness, it could have been so very much worse. And, while we waited I even had a glass of champagne...

The day came and went. Without pomp. Without circumstance. Without fanfare. It was sad. It was lonely. But it could have been so much worse.

XOOX

Jessica