the power of friends...

Sorry, I haven't posted in a while... I have a slew of things to write about but sometimes life stops us in our tracks. It could be a person or an event or a culmination of everything... Sometimes, no matter how we try, no matter how much we want to, we simply cannot force those smiles - even though we advocate the power of positive thinking... even though we're seemingly the poster child of happiness and looking at the bright side, sometimes we get down in the dumps too. Sometimes no matter how hard we try to shake it and no matter how hard others try to shake us out of it, we're just stuck there in that funk. Sometimes the tears will come whether we want them to or not. Sometimes we need to let them.

My funks don't happen very often and are usually caused by someone being selfishly hurtful. Usually I can stand up tall and let things roll off my back. I can close my eyes and ignore the meanness... I can pretend not to hear. But I am human and I have feelings and I am very sensitive - especially when it comes to my children, their health and well-being. As a mother I sacrifice for my children. (As most mothers do.) I go out of my way to do so. (As most mothers do.) And so it irks me when I see those who don't. And it irks me more so when a parent doesn't put the needs of their children ahead of his or her own... and behaves selfishly to spite another parent. I won't get into details here and I will keep my personal life personal... and it's a stupid, small thing that should have been a non-issue, but that stupid small non-issue was the straw that broke this camel's back.

I need help and I want help and I get such mixed messages about this. On one hand I am told by my ex that I cannot seem to do anything on my own and am made to feel guilty if I ask for anything... even the smallest of favors. And yet by everyone else I am told to please ask for help, am told that I am trying to take on too much... and that I absolutely must ask for help. And because of these mixed messages I am afraid to. I am made by one person to feel week and unable and from others I am scolded for trying to take on too much.

What's the right answer? Is there a right answer? How could I have let myself get into such a situation where I have become afraid to ask for help, to ask for anything? I know, I am asking the wrong person. I should have stopped asking long ago, but when most of what I am asking for directly affects my children, I feel I should speak up. On behalf of my children and their comforts and needs and well-being.

So it's been a lousy week. I want what's mine. And now it seems I can't have what's rightly mine. I hate to fight. I hate fighting more than anything in the world. It literally makes me sick. But it seems I didn't fight hard enough. I was too nice... too giving... too forgiving... And now I am being punished because of it.

I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't stand for this anymore. I mustn't let people treat me like this. I must stand up for what's mine. I must continue to be strong and brave. I can't let others put me down. And so I won't. I will put a stop to this. I will ask for what's rightly mine. I will put up the good fight. I will stand back up on my own two feet. My attorney is working with me again. As much as I hate the thought I must do this...

For this I thank a dear friend who has helped me to see that it's OK to ask for help, who has helped me to see that I have been wronged and cheated, who has told me to stand up for what I deserve and need and that it is not too late... who has shown me that I do not deserve to be treated this way... who has tried tirelessly to snap me out of my funk... who has been there for me ... who has shown me the true meaning of friendship.

I hope you all have someone you can confide in or count on... I hope you never let someone walk all over you... that you can stand tall, stay strong and remain true.

XXOO

Jessica