Letting go of fear

The divorce will be final in a little over a week. Wow.  Those two long, slow, painful years now seem to have passed by so very quickly. I’ll be set free finally. Free to come and go. Free to do as I wish. Free to follow passions and dreams. Free to turn them into successes. And free to follow my heart wherever that should take me.

I read back on the journey I've closely chronicled from time to time. My writing doesn't change much on the pages but the words do. From sadness, insecurity and fear I have watched myself grow, develop confidence and become the happy and confident person I now am. I have really come a long way. In some ways I am the very person who nervously wanted out of her unhappy marriage, and yet I am now so very different. I am strong, stable and confident. I am happy. I feel alive. I feel fortunate and privileged. I feel powerful, funny, exhilarating, smart, witty and sexy. I feel beautiful in ways I hadn't in years, maybe even ever before. I feel as though anything is possible and the world is indeed my oyster. I feel that I can make my dreams come true and that I have the power to do so. My confidence is unmatched and has reached new heights. I am talented. I know this now. Incredibly so.

Where did all this come from? How did this all happen? I’m not too entirely sure, but I do know this. I have met some fantastic people along this incredible journey. I have made some incredible new friends while hanging onto old friends who’ve shown me their unwavering support. I am fortunate… So fortunate… So very, incredibly fortunate.

I have learned not to let fear stop me from what I want to do and what I want to achieve. For so many years I had. For so many years my own fear and insecurity held me back and prevented me from being successful and being all that I could be. My own fear and insecurities held me back in so very many ways. I missed out on so much of life. I missed out on so much of my life because of my own fear. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I can’t afford not to take the chances. And so what if things don’t go my way, then what? Then, I simply try again. It really is that simple. Each opportunity presented to me is a new chance to live and experience life. And regardless the outcome I will never ever again turn down another chance to live… to see something new… to experience something new… to meet someone new.

These past two years have all been about growth and self discovery... about getting myself out there, getting out of my comfort zone, stepping out of and living outside of the box. And while everything didn’t always turn out exactly as I wanted it to, each and every experience has made me better, bolder, stronger, and prouder. I am proud of myself and how far I have come. I am proud of all that I have achieved. More than anything I am proud of the person I have become. I am proud that I have learned to take chances, learned to speak my mind without censorship, to speak what is on my mind with honesty and candor in a way that makes me vulnerable, but yet shows that I am real and sensitive. Life is too short not to say how we feel… Life is too short to not take those chances… Life is too short to not tell those around us how we feel about them… I want to look back and remember fondly… I want to look back and remember with a huge smile on my face, or even with tears in my eyes, but I want to look back and remember… moments, time, people, places… life. I do not want my life to be a series of What Ifs… that’s not life. That’s not living.

It’s hard to be completely open and honest. It’s harder for some than others. I’ve always been an open book to some degree. But I’ve learned to be more so over the past two years.  I have nothing to hide. I have no secrets. I have done nothing to cause me or anyone around me any shame. I have made mistakes, as we all have. We are not faultless. We are human. But each and every mistake has molded us, made us stronger. I am a firm believer of mistakes, as there is no better way to learn. I encourage my children to make mistakes. Mistakes are important and integral to our personal growth. They propel us forward, they force us to rethink things. In the end, they can make us better people.

I am eager and excited. I am ready. I am ready to get out there and live. I am ready for all that lies ahead of me. I am ready to move on and move forward. I am ready to throw caution to the wind, to take more chances, to share my thoughts, to learn, to create, to grow, to blossom…

Jessica