it came and went without much pomp and circumstance...

I had a post planned out for Valentine's Day. I had it planned out in my mind. But the words and images never made it to the page. This was due, in part, to being busy and having other commitments that take priority over this blog, and partially due to avoidance. I, like my boys, suffer from ADHD. I get distracted easily. Very easily. I often feel sorry for those who try to carry on a conversation with me as I always veer off track. My mind will form the words and the sentences and I'll start to get them out, but mid sentence my eyes wander, then my mind wanders. I can be having a conversation with a friend, notice something unique or wonderful and my train of concentration is lost. I hate that it happens. I hate that I constantly struggle to complete thoughts and sentences, stories and yet I love the fact that my distraction has me noticing all the small details that are so often missed by others. My shortcoming is also a gift. This is why, often, I am a better written communicator. I can be distracted without my readers knowing.

 Another symptom of ADHD is avoidance.

When the going gets tough the tough get going. Only oftentimes those of us with ADHD really can't. We are stuck, our feet are glued to the floor and we simply cannot move forward. Perhaps we are overwhelmed by the task at hand. Perhaps we are afraid of putting ourselves out there; we are afraid of failure. I see this trait in my boys. I hate it for them. Though they struggle with this, they don't struggle to the same degree that I do. I am old. And set in my ways. You can't teach a new dog an old trick. Or can you? It's one of the reasons I started this blog. To put myself out there. To take a chance. It's all about the baby steps. And I think I've done well so far. Despite the barrage of negative comments when I first launched this blog, I persevered. I kept on. I looked at the naysayers,  I listened to what they had to say and I moved on. Head and chin held high. I'm quite proud of myself. And because of this grand fear I have of failure, of the unknown, of tackling things that often seem too large, too heavy, too daunting, too this and too that, I push my kids. I push them hard. Sometimes I wish I had been pushed harder. I can only push myself so much. It's the same way with my exercise routines. I go to the end of my comfort zone but not beyond. A trainer will push me harder, far beyond my comfort zone. Some people are better at pushing themselves than others. I wish I had that in me.

I wanted to get a piece written and yet I couldn't... wouldn't? Was it that I was too busy? Or, was it that I was avoiding the subject of Valentine's Day altogether? I'm not really sure.

I was going to buy myself some flowers. I never did. I was going to buy myself some chocolates. I never did. I gave myself a red pedicure. I didn't do anything special for myself. I was going to. I was invited out to dinner by two people. I turned them both down. I ended up meeting my friend Catherine for a drink shortly after 8:00 pm. My flannel pajamas were what I was craving but Catherine made me go out. And so I did. And in so doing I stepped outside of my comfort zone. We went to one restaurant first. It was overflowing with Valentine dates. I didn't want to be there. We left. We headed over to another restaurant for a cocktail. I wanted something stronger than my usual glass of red wine. We had fun. We laughed. And as I often do with Catherine I got distracted not even midway through a story. I love that Catherine knows me so well. She started to laugh. Jessica, are you ever going to get through a story without getting distracted? To which I replied No! Just then my eyes caught sight of the fabulous grey leather faux reptile print on the stools and along the side of the bar... And the bright red textured paint on the wall overhead...

And there it was, Valentine's Day. It came and went without much pomp and circumstance.