be true... be you...
I was out with a friend the other day walking around the park. It was a lovely day - cool enough to require a warm coat, yet warm enough to be out wandering around, enjoying the bright sunshine. We were talking about life and our similar experiences. I should tell you that the friend I was with was a guy. It should make no difference but it does. It made a difference when I heard what he had to say. When I heard his opinions, thoughts and comments about what I was going through. Mostly we walked and talked. Sometimes we stopped, talked and then continued to walk. I listened to his words... he shared his experience which was not too much unlike my own, and yet in some ways very different. What I found poignant was when he told me of a date he'd been on not long ago. "She was boring," he said. "She was a soccer mom. She was a soccer mom and nothing more." She'd lost herself as we all so often do, in the world of motherhood and child-raising. She had become defined by her role as a mother. She was a mother, it seemed, and nothing more. She didn't bring much to the table apparently. She couldn't make conversation. She had no interests, passions or hobbies. I couldn't imagine my friend, active, passionate and so full of life, with someone who had no interests. He talked of her in a sad, sorry, lost sort of a way. And then I started to feel sorry for her too. I felt sorry for a woman whom I didn't know who is traveling down the same road that I am. I could immediately see why this woman would not be the right fit for my friend, adventure-seeker, thrill-seeker, funny, social, personable... and yet I felt a sort of sadness for this woman I had never met. A woman I will never meet. But, as we all try to untangle the knots in our lives, to try to put the pieces of our puzzles back together, I feel a kindred spirit for the women going through this with me.
I am sure it is not easy for anyone. I am sure it is not easy for my male friends. But I do think we have it harder. We have more worries, I believe. I worry not so much about being out on my own, for I am strong and fiercely independent, a fighter ... I will come out on top - better, happier, stronger. I already have. I do worry, however, about starting all over.
Graduating from college was terrifying for me. It meant I had to grow up and be responsible. I had to take care of myself. By myself. Now, not unlike then, I am faced with the same terrifying prospect. But it is not just myself I must worry about, but myself and three young children. And so I am forced to re-invent my own wheel, if you will.
I am not boring. (At least I don't think I am!) And I have many talents, passions and interests. For this I know I am fortunate and I am grateful. And still, I struggle to land on my feet independently, financially sound. This re-invention has been harder than I had expected. Much harder. I will persevere. I will not give up. I am determined. I will make it work. I will come out ahead. I will succeed.
So my message to you is do not lose yourself. Hang on to your passions, your hopes, your wishes, your dreams. Don't let your role as a mother define you - define who you are. Motherhood is just a small extension of you. You are more. You are much more.
As you read this, whether your marriage is rock solid, crumbling or no longer existent, ask yourself this... What are my passions? My dreams? My hopes? My desires? Where do I want to be in 5 or ten years? How can I get there?
We will never ever stop being mothers but there will be a day, sooner than we all realize, whgen our children will be grown and gone. And what then? What will we do? I know what I'll be doing. Do you?
XOXO
Jessica
Such an insightful wonderful post Jessica! Definitely hit a cord here. Thank you for your inspiration to always be true to self! Best wishes :)
ReplyDeleteI think the same thing! As my girls get older, I know that they will develop more of their own interests and will not always want to be with me. I'm glad to have my own interests, passions, and creative outlets for myself.
ReplyDeleteI feel for that woman, too. I'm sure she dedicated so much of her life to her family and now she does have to start over in so many ways. Rather than date, she, like so many other women in her shoes, needs to find herself and her happiness. Don't look for a man right away because that's not really what she needs. It may be what she wants, but it's not what she NEEDS. You have the right outlook on this. Focus on your own happiness, your own goals, your new life. That's when a person becomes more interesting. All else will follow. :)
ReplyDeleteWorking as a children's librarian, I have the chance to meet and also observe mothers all day long! One of my greatest fears, and I understand how this might come across as selfish, is losing myself if I ever become a mother. I see women who have completely lost themselves everyday. I also see mother's who appear to have accomplished the impossible: they're women first, mother's second. I see how you can feel for the woman your friend met for a date. She might not realize she's "boring" and lost herself. Sadder still, perhaps she knows she has lost who she is, and doesn't know how to get it back. I know I'm not ready to be a mother yet (is one ever truly ready for the unknown?), and perhaps I never will be. I do know one thing for sure, I won't even consider it until have a better sense of who I am at my core....it's an evolution, and something I'm working on everyday. When you know yourself very well, maybe it's a bit easier to hold on AND add the joy of motherhood.
ReplyDeletePrincess Freckles - You hit the nail on the head! We are constantly evolving. As children we are encouraged to, but not so much as adults. Yes, it's a natural progression. I couldn't imagine going through life without any passions! You should see me with my camera. It's my passion. My obsession. And I drive everyone nuts!
ReplyDeleteMy significant other and I discuss this same topic frequently. His ex has no interest, no hobbies. The kids are grown and all she can think about is cleaning house and her job. He found in his marriage that they ended up with separate lives because she has no interests. The two of us have lots in common and lots of interests. We have different interests too, but we have a great balance. You said it very well.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ellen and Bill,
ReplyDeleteI think it's also important to note that a couple can both have interests but they don't need to be all the same interests. It's lovely to do things as a couple, and it's lovely to have separate areas of interest, where husband and wife, or partners, can be individuals as well as part of a team. I think it's healthy for children to see this too.
I think every mother should read your post. When you stay at home with your kids, losing yourself can be so easy. Finding your way back, not so easy. This is something I have to constantly remind myself of. When the mommy guilt starts to set in when I do something for myself, to better myself, I need this reminder that it is okay. That I am more then just a mother and if I am a well rounded woman then I will be a better mother! Well written Jessica!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Katie!
ReplyDeleteI know many grown women (older than I) who seem to have a hard time finding themselves long after their children are grown and gone. This saddens me greatly. I see grown women living vicariously through their children - as they have immersed themselves in their children's lives to the extent where they have little to no contact with the outside world. No interests, social interaction, etc. I cannot imagine!
It is not necessary to have an "office job" if your lifestyle can afford you to live in that manner, but I urge all women to get out of the house and follow a passion. If they have no passion, go find one... join clubs, take courses, do what it takes!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete