someone to hold my hand...
my parents are coming for a visit. they're coming to celebrate my daughter's birthday. i don't really want them to come right now. i don't want to get up and dressed. i don't want to cook. i don't want to entertain. i want to stay in bed and sleep. i want to sleep away everything that is bothering and worrying me and upsetting me. but i can't. it would be the easiest thing to do...
how does one go from joy and bliss and elation to down in the dumps with panic attacks so strong they literally take your breath away? how does one go from joy and hysterical fits of laughter to tears streaming down one's cheeks faster than one flipping a light switch?
ah, the joys of divorce.
i have to clean out my car today. it's making me sad. i know it's just a car. but it's not. to me it's like that favorite pair of boots or jeans. it's comfort. it's safety... and as any mother will tell you, it's home. i spend so much time driving around my car has been a part of me. but i cannot afford the payments. i tried to work something out with the car's financing company. there's nothing i can do. i will have to try to trade it in or "surrender" it which is slightly better than letting it get repossessed. it's like getting repossessed but i think that it won't affect my credit. but really who cares? what's another bad notch on my credit which has been destroyed anyhow? i'm not sure how i'll get into another car. i'm not sure i'll get into another home. my car's getting taken away from me. i have three young children to drive around. and any money i put into this new car - and by new i do mean used - will somehow alter our future... funds for food clothing, etcetera. and the person who refuses now to pay for the car that is used to transport the children is on a ski strip. joined a ski club and is on a ski trip while my older two need two winter coats and my goddamned car is about to get repossessed.
i've tried to let it go. i've tried to push this to the back of my brain but i can't. i simply can't because it's not fair. but, my mother used to tell me as a child, life's isn't always fair. and no, i guess it's not. i should just suck it up and pull up my big girl panties, but it seems that lately i cannot. i've overcome the hardest hurdles. this should all be a piece of cake. i should have fun looking for a new car my mother tells me. and she's right. but this is yet something else that's been taken away from me.
and there are other things too... of course there are. because when it rains it pours and when one thing starts toppling over everything else does too. it's like the glass of water you see that's about to topple over from your toddler's not yet gentle touch, and you reach out to try to stop the calamity that's about to ensue but the glass topples and you get drenched in the process and the table top is a sopping wet mess. the glass is still in your hand.
i'm not going to start kicking and screaming that it's not fair. that life's not fair. i'm not going to say that i can't handle this... i can't handle any more. i am a believer that we are dealt what we can handle. i know this has made me stronger. i am stronger and better for this whole damned experience. but i'm still allowed to feel sad and a little lost and a little helpless from time to time.
we all feel this way. it's only natural. it's part of the healing process and i am not going to deny my feelings. i'm angry and hurt and sad. and mostly for things that are all out of my control. i like to be in control. i like to be in the driver's seat. if not there up front in the passenger's seat where i can at least see where i am going because i have the window and the map in front of me. right now my window is a bit fogged up. and i have no map. right now, it's not so much the clear window or the map i really need or want, rather i just want someone to hold my hand along the way.
XOXO
how does one go from joy and bliss and elation to down in the dumps with panic attacks so strong they literally take your breath away? how does one go from joy and hysterical fits of laughter to tears streaming down one's cheeks faster than one flipping a light switch?
ah, the joys of divorce.
i have to clean out my car today. it's making me sad. i know it's just a car. but it's not. to me it's like that favorite pair of boots or jeans. it's comfort. it's safety... and as any mother will tell you, it's home. i spend so much time driving around my car has been a part of me. but i cannot afford the payments. i tried to work something out with the car's financing company. there's nothing i can do. i will have to try to trade it in or "surrender" it which is slightly better than letting it get repossessed. it's like getting repossessed but i think that it won't affect my credit. but really who cares? what's another bad notch on my credit which has been destroyed anyhow? i'm not sure how i'll get into another car. i'm not sure i'll get into another home. my car's getting taken away from me. i have three young children to drive around. and any money i put into this new car - and by new i do mean used - will somehow alter our future... funds for food clothing, etcetera. and the person who refuses now to pay for the car that is used to transport the children is on a ski strip. joined a ski club and is on a ski trip while my older two need two winter coats and my goddamned car is about to get repossessed.
i've tried to let it go. i've tried to push this to the back of my brain but i can't. i simply can't because it's not fair. but, my mother used to tell me as a child, life's isn't always fair. and no, i guess it's not. i should just suck it up and pull up my big girl panties, but it seems that lately i cannot. i've overcome the hardest hurdles. this should all be a piece of cake. i should have fun looking for a new car my mother tells me. and she's right. but this is yet something else that's been taken away from me.
and there are other things too... of course there are. because when it rains it pours and when one thing starts toppling over everything else does too. it's like the glass of water you see that's about to topple over from your toddler's not yet gentle touch, and you reach out to try to stop the calamity that's about to ensue but the glass topples and you get drenched in the process and the table top is a sopping wet mess. the glass is still in your hand.
i'm not going to start kicking and screaming that it's not fair. that life's not fair. i'm not going to say that i can't handle this... i can't handle any more. i am a believer that we are dealt what we can handle. i know this has made me stronger. i am stronger and better for this whole damned experience. but i'm still allowed to feel sad and a little lost and a little helpless from time to time.
we all feel this way. it's only natural. it's part of the healing process and i am not going to deny my feelings. i'm angry and hurt and sad. and mostly for things that are all out of my control. i like to be in control. i like to be in the driver's seat. if not there up front in the passenger's seat where i can at least see where i am going because i have the window and the map in front of me. right now my window is a bit fogged up. and i have no map. right now, it's not so much the clear window or the map i really need or want, rather i just want someone to hold my hand along the way.
XOXO
Jessica
Jessica my heart bleeds for you - sending you purple thoughts!! With love, Mally
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Jess. You are in my prayers!
ReplyDeletesome tunnels are really long and dark, and sometimes the light at the end is an oncoming train. but sometimes, something deep inside causes us to roll out of the way, stand up, and find a hand that is reaching out to pull us on and take another ride. here is hoping that you find that hand. here is hoping that you are blessed with the courage to grasp it. my thoughts are with you today. stay strong.
ReplyDeleteJessica, this post breaks my heart. It isn't fair that you're going through this--not even close to fair--and I'm appalled by the legal system that has allowed this to happen. Ski trip, my ass.
ReplyDeleteJessica,
ReplyDeleteMy heart bleeds for you. I will keep you in my thoughts. xoxo.
There are many hands out here waiting to hold your hand. I am sure I am not the only reader of your wonderful blog who feels this way. I hope that your loving readers' responses (including mine :) help you get through your day.... xoxo
ReplyDeletethank you all! xoxo
ReplyDeleteJessica,
ReplyDeleteThinking of you today and everyday. You will style out even a used dodge caravan or an ugly red scion. Just pump up the volume to ride wit me. Love that song. Hang in there. Xo
LOL thank you TS!!!!
ReplyDeleteI must be missing something or maybe I'm terribly naive. I can understand two people getting a divorce and most judges apparently don't award "alimony" anymore - but I don't understand a legal system which allows a man to "divorce" his children by not paying child support.
ReplyDeleteMy father left my alcoholic mother when I was 13 and my brother, 8. I saw him once again when I was 15 and that was 45 years ago. My mother didn't have the money to go after him for the child support he never paid but I thought those days were over.
I'm going to assume the ex or soon to be ex-husband is gainfully employed? This is none of my business but I'm curious as to why the judge thinks child support isn't necessary...especially if it means keeping a roof over the children's heads and providing transportation.
I have a friend who is in a very similar situation although she is much older. She is dealing with an emotionally abusive,self-destructive, passive aggressive husband who has gone through $2 million in the past 3 years and poured it into a dying business. I keep encouraging her to get some legal counsel so she doesn't (literally) end up on the street but she's afraid to do it. After reading your blog, I'm afraid to encourage her anymore because it's possible the judge will side with the no-account husband.
This is an ugly thing to say - but really, the courts shouldn't have to "order" a real man to do what he has to do to take care of his children. He should do it anyway.
Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
*sara*
Sara,
DeleteThank you kindly, Sara.
There are good judges and there are bad judges. If you don't like what one judge has to say, you can always go to trial - you are assured to get another judge. There are judges who don't award alimony. Child support is a given - albeit it's usually not much. In my case, there will be alimony and child support but not until a certain date. Even with alimony and child support I will still need to earn a considerable amount. But I don't expect to be supported and I will work hard to make ends meet. Each case is unique and judges look at each case individually - right or wrong. Money or no money I am so very glad of my decision. I will be fine. My case is very complicated. Email me through my profile and I can go into specifics w you and help you w your friend. Whatever the case, it is never right to stay in an unhealthy relationship simply for money. Never.
My heart goes out to you. I lived through this as a child. Watching my mom suffer was horrible. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes and made it feel like it was just yesterday. My mom made it through and was a much stronger person for it. Show your daughter you can do this with class - as you are. You will get through this and raise loving and strong children.
ReplyDelete