Distraction is key.

Someone accused me of using this blog as a private journal and advised me not to do so. She told me that my private thoughts should remain just that, private. But that's not what this is about. Trust me, my most intimate thoughts are not here for the entire world to see. But sometimes I do feel it's important to share my experiences, my pain, my joy, my fears, my triumphs. It's not easy. It's not a natural thing to expose oneself for the whole world to see. It's less natural for someone to expose her vulnerable self for the whole world to see. It's like standing on a stage naked. I'm not particularly fond of standing naked in front of a mirror, let alone up on a stage.

I do believe that this is worth my while. I believe that I need to share my story. I had no idea what was in store when I first started down this journey. I truly believed that the world was sunshine and roses and that all the pain, sorrow and hardship were behind me. Things were so rotten how could they possibly get any worse?

They could and they did.

Perhaps, had I known, I never would have spread my wings and taken that leap of faith. I might not have gotten knocked over by the giant waves. I wouldn't have lost my footing. But I truly believe that I have grown exponentially and become a better person. Each of our stories are different, but as I have come to learn over these past two years, there are so many similarities. For the most part men really do fit a profile. For the most part they will do whatever they can to hurt and punish us - maybe directly, maybe indirectly. There are a few decent men out there - I happen to have met them. But, for the most part we are victims of pain and revenge. Of course they'd never attest to this. And the quiet manner in which they do lash out is meant for our eyes only. How unfair it is. Passive aggressiveness is a horrible thing. Second perhaps to abuse. Often it is accompanied by emotional abuse. And control. It's not something I've ever talked about. I was in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. It took a marriage counselor to point that out to me. I'm not sure whether I was ignorant or oblivious. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when I had heard this. I did a little bit of both. It didn't seem possible. It couldn't be possible. I'm a very strong and strong willed person. But even the strongest of women can be subject to emotional abuse. In all fairness, he never realized he was doing this. In all fairness he did stop. Until I told him that the damage was done and there was no turning back - there was simply no way we could go back to what had once been... a happy marriage. I had been hurt too deeply. I was simply too sad. And, at that point, we were simply two different people with different wishes, desires and dreams. Two people living in parallel worlds.

***

I try to stay strong for my sake as well as the sake of the children. But sometimes it's simply not possible. I put up a good front. I smile a lot. But the truth is sometimes I crumble easily. The trigger could be something insignificant. Or it could be something important. It doesn't always make sense to me... A song. A picture. A memory. A thought... And sometimes I am simply amazed at how something so simple can send me spiraling downward so fucking fast.

I can tell when this is going to happen. There are small clues, little warning signs. I am very in tune with my body. I pay attention. It can start off with something as insignificant as a series of heart flutters, or nervous energy. This turns into fitful sleep with middle of the night wakings. The midnight wakings send me in panic mode and getting back to sleep is hard, if not darn near impossible.  The panic attacks then happen in the daytime. In broad daylight. They're fucking scary. And then the tears. At this point I can't control them. They can come in the car or when I am out and about. A piece of fruit can bring on the waterfall and as hard as I may try there's no turning off the tears. Sometimes sleep is good. Sometimes it makes no difference.

People tell  you that this will pass and that you'll feel better in the morning. That's not always the case. Sometimes it takes a few mornings. I thank god I have children. They force me to function. Otherwise, I am sure there'd be days where I'd sleep all day. If you don't have children and you feel this way, do whatever you can to get yourself out of the house. Go for walks. Exercise. Get out of the house. Surround yourself with people even if you don't want to. Distraction is key.