today i learned what a worse case scenario looks like
i have the weight of the world on my shoulders. i will not be granted alimony or child support for another 6 months. i have no idea how the fuck i am going to pay for anything. the judicial system is not just. the very being of my life and three young children has forever been altered by a judge who was poorly influenced by a terrible lawyer who painted a certain profile and slung mud at me and dragged me through dirt. this lawyer stated that my parents were well off. this statement should have no bearing on my case. this was made on here-say and not on proof. this statement was irresponsible and unprofessional. this statement has no relevance in court. this statement should not ever have been muttered. this statement has forever changed the way I view our legal system.
i have been a stay at home mother for 13 years. for 13 years i have put the needs of my children ahead of all else, ahead of my needs. i have best educated, doctored, chauffeured, clothed and nurtured them. i have baked for them, i have cared for them through their illnesses as well as my own. i have been there for them through all hours of the morning and all hours of the night. i have lost sleep for them. i have worried for them. i have foregone my own needs for them. i have regretted not one single solitary second of these years. i would do it all in a heartbeat all over again. i would not take back one minute. i have gotten such joy and satisfaction from watching my children grow and develop into the wonderful young people they are. i am beyond proud.
i am beyond fortunate. i know this, i really do and not for one moment do i take my role as a stay at home mother for granted. i have sacrificed a lot to be home with my children. had i been on my career track i would be quite successful and earn, what i hope would be a handsome living. but i chose to look after my children and forego my career instead. i will never regret my decision and will never look back or second-guess... but today's decision has made me angry and hurt. today i learned that the court does not recognize all that stay at home mothers sacrifice. today i learned that the judicial system has no respect for mothers. what a terrible thing to discover. what a terrible message to send to the world. what a terrible message to send to our children!
today the judge basically tossed me out on the street without any means to support myself and my children. the judge offered no help and little hope. this was all based on an inaccurate description and assumption about me, my lifestyle and my family. in six months i will get a small amount of alimony but i will need to work and earn figures that i am in no way, shape or form capable of earning. i am being set up to fail. i am being set up to fail three young children.
i am hurt and angered and disgusted.
today i learned what a worse case scenario looks like.
i said to my husband, privately, after he was explaining to our 6 year old that mommy and daddy are going to take turns driving him to school, that without a car i won't have the privilege of taking my children to school. without a decent salary and alimony no one is going to sell me a car. he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. he could have stepped up to the plate. he could have taken the high road. he could have done right by the children. he knew this decision was coming. i am as disgusted and outraged and enraged and repulsed by him. i harbored no ill-will or animosity until now. and now i feel an anger i can truly say i have never ever felt in my life. an anger that is a rage.
Jess, I am so very sorry. I do not understand how this happened. Know that God is with you. He loves you more than anyone.
ReplyDeleteI don't have words to say how extremely sorry that this has happened to you and the children. Honestly....I have never even heard of such an unfair decision. I have personally not experienced divorce, but my husband has (2 children) as well as several friends. None of them have ever been dealt such a blow, and you are so correct.....your financial situation and security has nothing to do with what your parents may or may not have. I am quite saddened that your ex-husband is not compelled to want to make sure that his children are financially provided for in your household as well as his. I honestly don't know how he can sleep at night. Please know that I will pray for you and this situation.
ReplyDeleteAH and AnnieMac, thank you for your kind words. the emails and texts and messages of stories I am getting of this and worse happening is utterly appalling. Again, I am to be that voice and I will tell all who will listen how unjust it all really is.
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for sharing your story! I feel terrible that this is happening to you. I have been "following" you since back in the Ivillage days. Even then, I so looked forward to your posts on motherhood and appreciated and am grateful for all the practical advice you offered. I think about you often and have never even met you. I am truly sorry that this is happening to you and your children.
ReplyDeletewhat a scumbag pathetic excuse for a father. What goes around comes around. So sorry Jess. Will be praying for you. Ginny
ReplyDeleteGinny, and Nancy - thank you so much. Today.s a new day. I had a good sleep (with the help from my good friend Ambien!) I already have resumes out. I guess I needed to have a little pity party... but I've got my big girl panties on today!
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Jess, I wish I could be a prophetic as you and others who make comments. I am not. It is disgusting that a judicial system would fail you as they did, and even more so that your ex-husband would fail you and your children. If anyone can move past this, it is you. And you will thrive and with this blog allow others to be brave and thrive as they deserve to. big hugs to you
ReplyDeleteHI Jessica, I am also an old 'sept2005' ivillage member. I have also been following your blog since then. I am truly stunned and appalled. I would hope that any man (no matter how hurt, how angry, etc) would put the needs and emotional well-being of his children first. I like to think that married a man that would do the right thing. Part of being an adult and PARENT is that the kids come first--over anger, over resentment, over any of our own feelings. Sending you best wishes. I have no experience with any of this type of thing. However, it does not sound fair in any way, shape or form. Putting their mother out on the street...what type of lesson is he teaching your two sons? Definitely not how to be a man. So sorry, Jen (jen_35)..though now almost 42:).
ReplyDeleteJessica, Get a new lawyer; one who is TOUGHER than your ex's and knows the local judges in your district through past cases. Get on the docket for an Emergency Hearing regarding child support and car issues. Be careful what you blog. It can and will be used against you. Just because the judge said she'll order child support in June, doesn't mean it will be in June. All your ex has to do is ask for an extension due to whatever. Most lawyers take summer vacations, too, Mine went to Italy for a month and left me and my children hanging. Judges do too. It will NOT "sort itself out"!!! You have to take control of your life NOW! Oh, and one more thing...you DID make the right decision to do this. You WILL be happier in the end. Deb
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing fair or just in divorce court -- the courts are overwhelmed and lack any care for the havoc their decisions cause. It knocks the wind out of you and makes you realize you need to fight fire with fire.
ReplyDeleteI think the advice of a tougher lawyer and taking care with what you blog -- is wise as they can twist just about anything.
Your husband is showing his true colors -- which is sad because it is only hurting his own children.
I wish you the best -- be strong.
Can you liquidate a retirement account?
ReplyDeleteIn the state of CT assets are divided. Yes, a retirement account could be liquidated. Provided that there are accounts with funds. But why should a spouse be forced to liquidate her account (if she has one) in lieu of alimony/child support for 6 months, especially when those savings might be needed to go towards a new dwelling. Rents often require first and last months. Often a security deposit is needed as well. There are moving expenses. And there are the expenses of replacing basic household items - beds, furniture, vacuum cleaners, etc - that will need to be purchased. If a wife has savings or has her spouse's savings she will be at an advantage. Not all states mandate a 50/50 split. And these days, in these economic times, savings are dwindling for many.
ReplyDeleteNo one should HAVE to, of course. Just thinking of emergency measures.
ReplyDeleteWhen you decided to ask for a divorce, did you assume he would continue to provide for you?
ReplyDeleteIf so, why? Part of being brave enough to seek independence includes financial independence. The way I read your postings, it sounds like you want to have your cake (no spouse)and eat it, too (being financially supported). My best friend sought a divorce and pays her ex-husband child support and alimony. She accepts that financial burden because she wanted her freedom.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteI do not expect to be supported. I do expect to be helped until I get back on my feet. I haven't worked in 13 years and need a chance to find and secure a job. I have been actively seeking since September. I have also been trying to get a small company off the ground. I have not sat around idly waiting for money to float down from the sky.
My life will be a struggle. I expect this and realize this. I am glad your friend has the means to support her ex. She is in the .5% of women who can do that.
If you have read correctly, if you go back and re-read you will see that my anger is directed not at my husband but at the legal system. Equality for women. But there is none. And we are penalized for choosing to stay home with our children.
I am indeed a lucky one. I have read slews and slews of letters from readers who were far worse off than I. They were duped by a system that should be just. They have shared their stories with me, I intend to help those who one day may want to travel down the same road.
I was told by my very lawyer that this happens so often that some women get this far and turn back, back because they are not supported by the system. After travelling so far, they go back to the very cause of their unhappiness. I cannot tell you how this saddens me to the core.
Honestly, if I had financial means I would not ask for alimony or child support. But I need the help. Also, you should realize that where I live is so expensive I will need to earn what most men with successful careers in this country earn to bridge the gap. My numbers are very real - not inflated. I am incapable of earning those numbers at the moment and somehow I will have to make ends meet. I am not sure how that will happen, but it will. Please do not tell me that I want to have my cake and eat it too. There will be plenty of days ahead where there will be nothing resembling cake on our table.
I wish your best friend the very best and a long life of happiness. I wish it for everyone. Everyone deserves to be happy.
Thank you for your comment.
Best,
Jessica