Queen for a day...
I have no ill will. No hatred. No animosity. I do not harbor resentment. I never carry a grudge. I am the first to apologize when I think I have done something wrong and the first to accept an apology when offered. I always try to take the high road. It's no use being angry and resentful. In the end it gets us nowhere.
Do you remember the worst day of your life? The best days sure... That first young kiss... the first real boyfriend... getting engaged... getting married and then the birth of my children... all of them. I have had so many wonderful days and moments that will forever be etched in my mind. As for the bad days, I can't really remember anything too terrible. Of course there have been disappointments over the years... not getting the leading role in a play... not doing well in an exam... fighting with a friend... realizing the boy you really liked liked your best friend instead... things like that. But in the grand scheme of things, over the course of my entire life I have been so very fortunate... so very fortunate. Until yesterday. It took me 44.5 years to experience the worst day of my life.
My children are fortunate, very fortunate to be able to attend the wonderfully progressive school that they do. Rebecca started there when she was 3. It was never my intention to be there beyond preschool as private schools are pricey and we do have a fabulous school system. I remember taking a look at our local public school and how very disappointed I was after having gone in to meet the teachers and principal and learning all about the Kindergarten experience. I said nothing to my husband in the parking lot as we approached our car. But I had a lump in my heart. I hated to tear my child away from her school to send her... well, there. Somehow we managed to swing another couple of years, and another and another and another. We have been so very blessed.
This time each year the school puts on an entire student body production called Winterfest. The show and the feast that follows is a tradition that the children look forward to. Each grade has a particular role and every year the students are eager to take on their new roles and their new challenges. The lead characters, the King and Queen of Winterfest (sometimes there are more than one!) are honors bestowed upon the students that have been at the school the longest. The King and Queen are always 7th graders. From the time Rebecca was 3, she had her eyes set on the throne... and the crown! I remember telling her not to get her hopes up high. The years passed one by one. She eagerly played her new role and eagerly looked forward to the next year's role, all the while keeping her sight on the throne!
I never in a million years thought she would ever be Queen. She was so little and these other children were so big... so old! My child would never be that old! (I would never be old enough to have such a big child!) And here we are, at the very same school nearly 10 years later. Rebecca is getting to live out the first of many dreams to come. She's so excited! She's so proud! I'm so excited... I'm so proud! From the youngest to the oldest, my daughter has grown up not only in front of my eyes, but in front of the eyes of the fabulous faculty and professors. Her formative years have been spent at a place that's been as much of a home to her as her own house. It's a special place, her school. She knows that with almost 100% certainty she will not be there next year to graduate. This saddens her tremendously, but I remind her that she still has Winterfest and she now has the throne... as well as the tiara and the cape! We live each day to the fullest, one day at a time. We can't look past tomorrow.
I've had mixed emotions about this year's Winterfest production. It will be the last for all my children. My daughter will have made it to the throne, but my boys sadly will not. Rebecca joked yesterday as she saw me waiting to go on stage for the dress rehearsal. "You're going to cry, Mom. Please don't cry, Mom!" She was right. I'm a sap and I do cry over every thing. Especially these days. And I did cry yesterday. I cried a lot, but for a very different reason.
I cried because I missed the dress rehearsal. I missed Rebecca's lines and I missed Alexander's part. I cried because in the flash of an eye it was all gone and I had missed it. I had waited 10 years for one moment and missed it all.
Right before the show was due to start I was tracked down by the school's receptionist. Christopher was not well. He had a headache and was in the nurse's office. He had an ice pack on his forehead and I went out to my car to track down some Motrin. I gave him some and headed out to the auditorium to take my seat. I had figured that he would be down for the count but was not too concerned as he is not the child that craves the spotlight. It would not be the end of his little world. He would be okay.
A few minutes later the secretary came back. He looked paler. He looked tired. He needed to go home. The show was to start that very moment. I could hear the music cuing up. People were taking their seats. I had to leave to take Christopher home the verymoment that my daughter was due to take the stage.
I located my husband who was sitting with his parents. I explained that Christopher was sick. (I had also texted him the same earlier.) I said that it wasn't fair that I was the one who had to leave... that it wasn't fair that I was the one who had to miss my daughter on stage. After all, we were following our parenting plan and it was his day... it was his day to drive the kids to school... from school... it was his day to bring a sick child home and his day to miss his daughter. NOT mine. He sat there and looked at me as though I had two heads. I was livid. I was irate. I left the building visibly upset with tears streaming down my face. I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care who knew I was upset, or why I was upset.
I brought Christopher home and sent him to bed. I lingered in the family room for about 15 minutes but I didn't want to be home. I wanted to be with my daughter. I asked Christopher if he would be okay at home and explained that I had really wanted to see Rebecca. He understood. I drove back to school as fast as I could.
There were no seats left. There was standing room only with limited view. Just as I had gotten there my littlest one had taken his seat. I had missed his entire performance! All of it! How could it be? I couldn't bear to watch the rest, but a good friend of mine was standing behind me, heard my sob, and handed me a tissue. "You have to stay," she implored. "You have to do this for Rebecca." And I did. I watched and I watched and I watched. I had missed most of the performance. I had missed all of Rebecca's performance. I had missed all of Alexander's performance.
I ran back to the kindergarten classroom and sobbed some more, this time louder. I couldn't contain it. I couldn't control it. I was mad. I was furious. I was upset. I was devastated. I had felt and anger and a hatred and a bitterness I had never before felt.
When he emerged with his parents I yelled at him. Yes, the crazy ex-wife-bitch yelling in front of her in-laws. But it just wasn't fair. And I wanted him to know and to see how unbelievably devastated I was. I left the building after my little episode. I didn't want to see anyone and didn't want to be seen by anyone. I drove to CVS and sat in the parking lot there before I could go home and face my family. I waited until I felt that I could compose myself properly.
I got home, took a deep breath and walked inside. "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy" Alexander screamed. "Did you see me? Did you like it?!" I told him he was wonderful. That lie nearly killed me.
Later on my husband said that he had no idea what was going on... he had no idea what I was trying to say. Honestly, I think that was a lame excuse. He could have done the right thing. Instead of pretending not to hear me he could have done the right thing, gotten up, left his seat and talked to me instead of looking at me blankly and shrugging. I accepted his apology. But I still believe that he knew.
And so, yesterday was the worst day of my life. It was the first time I have missed something that was monumentally important to my child. It was the first time I told her I was going to be there for her and was not. I let my child down. I let myself down.
Do you remember the worst day of your life? The best days sure... That first young kiss... the first real boyfriend... getting engaged... getting married and then the birth of my children... all of them. I have had so many wonderful days and moments that will forever be etched in my mind. As for the bad days, I can't really remember anything too terrible. Of course there have been disappointments over the years... not getting the leading role in a play... not doing well in an exam... fighting with a friend... realizing the boy you really liked liked your best friend instead... things like that. But in the grand scheme of things, over the course of my entire life I have been so very fortunate... so very fortunate. Until yesterday. It took me 44.5 years to experience the worst day of my life.
My children are fortunate, very fortunate to be able to attend the wonderfully progressive school that they do. Rebecca started there when she was 3. It was never my intention to be there beyond preschool as private schools are pricey and we do have a fabulous school system. I remember taking a look at our local public school and how very disappointed I was after having gone in to meet the teachers and principal and learning all about the Kindergarten experience. I said nothing to my husband in the parking lot as we approached our car. But I had a lump in my heart. I hated to tear my child away from her school to send her... well, there. Somehow we managed to swing another couple of years, and another and another and another. We have been so very blessed.
This time each year the school puts on an entire student body production called Winterfest. The show and the feast that follows is a tradition that the children look forward to. Each grade has a particular role and every year the students are eager to take on their new roles and their new challenges. The lead characters, the King and Queen of Winterfest (sometimes there are more than one!) are honors bestowed upon the students that have been at the school the longest. The King and Queen are always 7th graders. From the time Rebecca was 3, she had her eyes set on the throne... and the crown! I remember telling her not to get her hopes up high. The years passed one by one. She eagerly played her new role and eagerly looked forward to the next year's role, all the while keeping her sight on the throne!
I never in a million years thought she would ever be Queen. She was so little and these other children were so big... so old! My child would never be that old! (I would never be old enough to have such a big child!) And here we are, at the very same school nearly 10 years later. Rebecca is getting to live out the first of many dreams to come. She's so excited! She's so proud! I'm so excited... I'm so proud! From the youngest to the oldest, my daughter has grown up not only in front of my eyes, but in front of the eyes of the fabulous faculty and professors. Her formative years have been spent at a place that's been as much of a home to her as her own house. It's a special place, her school. She knows that with almost 100% certainty she will not be there next year to graduate. This saddens her tremendously, but I remind her that she still has Winterfest and she now has the throne... as well as the tiara and the cape! We live each day to the fullest, one day at a time. We can't look past tomorrow.
I've had mixed emotions about this year's Winterfest production. It will be the last for all my children. My daughter will have made it to the throne, but my boys sadly will not. Rebecca joked yesterday as she saw me waiting to go on stage for the dress rehearsal. "You're going to cry, Mom. Please don't cry, Mom!" She was right. I'm a sap and I do cry over every thing. Especially these days. And I did cry yesterday. I cried a lot, but for a very different reason.
I cried because I missed the dress rehearsal. I missed Rebecca's lines and I missed Alexander's part. I cried because in the flash of an eye it was all gone and I had missed it. I had waited 10 years for one moment and missed it all.
Right before the show was due to start I was tracked down by the school's receptionist. Christopher was not well. He had a headache and was in the nurse's office. He had an ice pack on his forehead and I went out to my car to track down some Motrin. I gave him some and headed out to the auditorium to take my seat. I had figured that he would be down for the count but was not too concerned as he is not the child that craves the spotlight. It would not be the end of his little world. He would be okay.
A few minutes later the secretary came back. He looked paler. He looked tired. He needed to go home. The show was to start that very moment. I could hear the music cuing up. People were taking their seats. I had to leave to take Christopher home the verymoment that my daughter was due to take the stage.
I located my husband who was sitting with his parents. I explained that Christopher was sick. (I had also texted him the same earlier.) I said that it wasn't fair that I was the one who had to leave... that it wasn't fair that I was the one who had to miss my daughter on stage. After all, we were following our parenting plan and it was his day... it was his day to drive the kids to school... from school... it was his day to bring a sick child home and his day to miss his daughter. NOT mine. He sat there and looked at me as though I had two heads. I was livid. I was irate. I left the building visibly upset with tears streaming down my face. I didn't care who saw me. I didn't care who knew I was upset, or why I was upset.
I brought Christopher home and sent him to bed. I lingered in the family room for about 15 minutes but I didn't want to be home. I wanted to be with my daughter. I asked Christopher if he would be okay at home and explained that I had really wanted to see Rebecca. He understood. I drove back to school as fast as I could.
There were no seats left. There was standing room only with limited view. Just as I had gotten there my littlest one had taken his seat. I had missed his entire performance! All of it! How could it be? I couldn't bear to watch the rest, but a good friend of mine was standing behind me, heard my sob, and handed me a tissue. "You have to stay," she implored. "You have to do this for Rebecca." And I did. I watched and I watched and I watched. I had missed most of the performance. I had missed all of Rebecca's performance. I had missed all of Alexander's performance.
I ran back to the kindergarten classroom and sobbed some more, this time louder. I couldn't contain it. I couldn't control it. I was mad. I was furious. I was upset. I was devastated. I had felt and anger and a hatred and a bitterness I had never before felt.
When he emerged with his parents I yelled at him. Yes, the crazy ex-wife-bitch yelling in front of her in-laws. But it just wasn't fair. And I wanted him to know and to see how unbelievably devastated I was. I left the building after my little episode. I didn't want to see anyone and didn't want to be seen by anyone. I drove to CVS and sat in the parking lot there before I could go home and face my family. I waited until I felt that I could compose myself properly.
I got home, took a deep breath and walked inside. "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy" Alexander screamed. "Did you see me? Did you like it?!" I told him he was wonderful. That lie nearly killed me.
Later on my husband said that he had no idea what was going on... he had no idea what I was trying to say. Honestly, I think that was a lame excuse. He could have done the right thing. Instead of pretending not to hear me he could have done the right thing, gotten up, left his seat and talked to me instead of looking at me blankly and shrugging. I accepted his apology. But I still believe that he knew.
And so, yesterday was the worst day of my life. It was the first time I have missed something that was monumentally important to my child. It was the first time I told her I was going to be there for her and was not. I let my child down. I let myself down.
really??? this was the worst day of your life???? i am sorry that you were disappointed...but your child was sick, needed attention, and regardless of whose "day" it is most people would consider that a priority. I wonder how you would feel if your sons fever had gotten worse, had to be brought to the emergency room and there was a truly horrible conversation with the doctor that was treating your son. What if you didn't get to bring your son home???maybe that would be your "worst day ever"...not missing your daughter wear a crown...get over it...
ReplyDeleteIf that's the worst day of your life, you are a very lucky woman indeed. I understand being disappointed, but, really, count your blessings. Unbelievable.
ReplyDeleteI know that right now this seems like the "worst day" of your life. I hope for your sake it is.
ReplyDeleteMy "worst day" was the day that my perfect, gifted, beautiful son, with a graduate degree from an ivy league college and plans and dreams in his bright fuure, was diagnosed with a serious mental illness. It changed our lives forever, and has humbled me to realize how little I really knew about pain and suffering until this happened to him (us).
Not to "preach", but there is a saying: Things can always be worse. Now I know what that means. I count every day with him as a gift, even though he will never be who he was before this tragedy. Go hug your kids and count your blessings.
I tend to agree with the above commentors. Today probably felt very discouraging, but perspective is very important. Without it, every interaction with your ex-husband could potentially make for your worst day ever.
ReplyDeleteIt must have been terrible feeling to tell your child you saw him when you didn't and it must be sad knowing your children won't be at the school next year, presumably due to financial reasons. But, focus on your choice to lead a happier life and how to get there.
Dear all above - First of all, we ALL knew there was nothing terribly wrong. There was no fever, and no reason not to believe that he wouldn't be better after a good night's sleep. I have had children in the hospital. I know fear and I know illness. I knew this was not. He was fine just a couple of hours later. I knew he would be. If he had been truly ill, or if I thought he was truly ill the story I wouldn't have written this. Many told me to leave him at the school, at the nurses's office. I couldn't very well do that.
ReplyDeleteSo let's skip the dramatics.
This was not about a crown - this was about a lead in the musical. And I am sorry, but I am her mother, I will not get over it. I will not get over the fact that I missed the most important day so far of my daughter's young life all because her father failed to act properly and responsibly.
To the mother whose son was diagnosed with an illness -- I am so very sorry. This was not a comparison to anything like that.
This was not about my son. This was about my daughter and my not being there for her. This was about her dream and my not being able to witness it. This was about her sadness about my not being there for her.
Yes, I do count my blessings, I do. I have had many bad things happen to me, but as a mother this broke my heart. As a mother this took the cake.
And why is it people always hide behind "Anonymous" when they speak their mind when it may differ from mine?
You raised your daughter to live her dream and have the courage to see it through. It stinks that you couldn't be there to witness it but she will always have the memory of being there in her crown.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone including your feelings. I think Disabled Domestic articulated it best though.
ReplyDeleteIt is cowerdly to hide behind anonymous. It speaks volumes of their characters.
I can see both sides but tend to think that as disappointing as it was to miss seeing your kids on stage, it seems a bit extreme to say it was the worst day of your life. It is your life and your perception of things so maybe it was the worst thing that has ever happened to you but posting about the incident naturally leaves you open to judgment from others...
ReplyDeleteI really feel for the little fella left at home alone sick. How old is he?
Belinda - he is 11 and he had a head ache... there was no fever and nothing to indicate anything more worrisome than a case of stage fright. Had there been reason to be concerned I would have not left him home and I would have brought him right to the pediatrician as I tend to do. I have been parenting for 13 years, and I really do know when there is something serious and when there isn't.
ReplyDeleteAgain, this is not about my son... it's about a father not taking his responsibility - it was HIS parenting day. He was there with his parents. As many have pointed out to me, any one of them should have offered to have brought my son home so that I could have seen my daughter.
I also want it noted that I had two friends approach me today - one a cancer survivor and another with a child battling cancer at the moment... both absolutely agreed that this was a devastating experience and they would have felt exactly as I did. I was comforted and reassured by those words.
Also remember, I am in the throes of a divorce... my senses and emotions are heightened. That's what this blog is about... it's about my experience and my divorce. I am not trying to say my situation is worse or better than anyone else's... it's different. AND given the fact that my family life is in such turmoil it was even more devastating to my daughter that I was not there. No, it's not cancer. But yes, it is big. It is big to me and more importantly, it was big to my daughter... it was HUGE to my daughter.
And my son was fine two hours later eating chili for dinner and helping to put lights on the tree.
I just think if you use the Internet as your personal diary, you leave yourself open to judgement. A lot of people could (and do, as evidenced above) think that a lot of what you are posting here is inappropriate for such a public setting.
ReplyDeleteTrish,
ReplyDeleteThis is by no means a personal diary. I am sharing my story with others who are in my situation, who have been in my situation or who are thinking about such. My personal diary is well... personal... far too personal and intimate to post here!!!
I realize that my opinions may differ from many and everyone is entitled to their opinion. Some have thought that I should remove the Anonymous comments above, but I won't. They are as entitled to their opinions as I am.
I have chosen this to be a platform where I can be free to speak my mind and voice what many have been through or are going through. I know from the vast amount of calls, emails and notes that I am receiving that my experiences resonate with so very many women, and even some men.
If people do not like what I have to say, or do not wish to read what I have written then they do not need to come here.
From Chicago....OMG where do I even begin ? Well lets start with the cowards hiding behind "anonymous" just in doing THAT there isnt even credibility to what you say ! I actually dont even believe some of those nasty judgemental comments as I have found people that experience "life changing" events....illness, death, divorce, loss of job, problem children WHATEVER seem to have EMPATHY for others in any kind of turmoil ! This Mom is going through a difficult divorce....did you not read the part whe her children wont even be at their beloved school next year ? That alone would DEVASTATE me ! seriously the Dad's parents are there with him....what Grandmother would not offer to care for the younger sick grandson ? We ALL have stuff in our lives .....and by the way I have money, my own and my husbands who has done very very well but that does not mean I dont feel dissappointment too. This was painful for this Mother and I feel for her ! In the end I will say this ...." it's for God to judge NOT you " !
ReplyDeleteI know it is not the same as being there, but hopefully someone recorded it so you can at least see a video. One of my kiddos would get "sick" right before a performance at school. It was always amazing how quickly he was better once the show was over ha. Sorry you had to miss the performance. Those things are always what made my Christmas season!
ReplyDeleteI feel for you Jessica. I hope your daughter will be able to remember this time fondly though. Kids are resiliant; hopefully she'll think back on it as a magical time. And she loves you :) & will understand why you weren't there. I know this is all really about the kids and having their mother support them. But it would have been a nice day for you to be able to see your kids perform. We all deserve that. :)
ReplyDeleteI truly wish people weren't mean. Even if we don't agree it doesn't give us license to be cruel. Hang in there!! :)
I think with all you have going on in your life right now . this was the "straw that broke the camel's back". I'm sorry that you missed the performances. I would be very sad as well. My best wishes for you and your children to have a wonderful rest of the Holiday Season and a Happy, full of new adventures, New Year.
ReplyDeleteYou have a right to feel what you feel & to have a free courageous voice to share it on your own blog! We should all be here to support one another no matter what our take on the situation is!! Please do not feel that any explanation is due, especially to those who fall behind the "Anonymous" titles. 1st of all, writing out your true feelings is the best therapy, as well as you are being true to them. I applaud you Jessica for your deep love of your children & their magical moments & wish you a Happy Blessed Christmas. HUGS!! (Lilacnpearls)
ReplyDeleteWow. I am sorry that people feel the need to kick you when you're down with their rude comments. I agree with Pattie about writing your true feelings as therapy. Husband should have gotten up, one of the grandparents should have volunteered to take your son home. Ridiculous....I know I would have been so furious and devastated.
ReplyDeleteTwo thoughts come to mind. First of all, not all of us have blogs and have to post as "anonymous". Just because you post as someone else, who really knows who you are? I could post as "Grace Kelly" but that means nothing.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like this incident just brought everything to a head...your child's illness, missing the Winterfest, the disappointment of your children not attending the school next year, the divorce, etc. Perfectly understandable. What I really don't understand is what the heck is wrong with your children's grandmother? She didn't have enough grace to help in the situation? I'm not a grandmother yet but it just seems like that would be the natural reaction regardless of what went on with her son and you.