On Friendships...

I'm sure this is going to end up sounding like gibberish. It was not a planned post. But the best part of this blog is that it is meant to be from the heart - from my heart. Whether happy, sad, angry or frustrated, everything I write comes from the heart. I'm an emotional person (probably overly so) and I do tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm thin skinned though I have toughened up some over the years. I have no problem showing everyone my raw and vulnerable side. I am strong but I can crumble easily too. Mostly you won't hear me blubber and whine too much because a) I don't want to bore you and b) I don't want anyone's pity.

I lost a friend recently. I lost a really, really good friend recently. I have never in my 40-something years lost a friend. It sucks. Let me tell you it really sucks. I now have more empathy as to how my daughter feels when she goes through this as she wades the rough and murky waters of her early teen years. Teenagers aren't braced with the same kind of insight that we are. Teenagers aren't able to see that there's a future ahead of them. Teenagers aren't experienced to know that everything little thing will be alright. As an adult I have insight. As an adult I know (somewhere down the road) that my future is big and bright, and as an adult I do know that every little thing will be alright. But pain is pain and it hurts all the same.

I think in an ordinary situation I might be able to brush things off. But my life is anything but ordinary right now. My life couldn't be more of a mess at the moment. My divorce date keeps getting pushed off. My future is a great unknown. I have no idea how I am going to make ends meet and every time I sit down to review my expenses the amount escalates. Not by pennies or dollars or even hundreds of dollars, but by thousands. As a single mother living where I do I will need to earn an income that most grown men in this country earn. I will need to earn this on top of my alimony and child support just to stay afloat. Just to meet ends meet. Should a major expense occur such as a broken car, injury or anything else of that nature, well, I'm screwed. I'm not saying this to scare you all off. I am not saying this to make you rethink your decisions. Please don't rethink a chance of happiness based on finances. You'll sacrifice so much more by staying in a harmful or bad marriage. But finances do play into our factor and we need to think of them. We need to prepare ourselves. As overwhelming as this is to me, I realize it is something that needs much of my attention. And yet this is causing a paralyzing fear as I know I do not have this earning capacity. Not even close. I'll figure things out. I'll make things work. I always do. Meantime, I'll stress and panic over it!

I worry about my children and how their world is changing. I worry about their wants and needs. I worry not so much for the little one as he is still little, but I do worry for my older two. I started this journey with them in mind, as I know that an unhappy marriage will affect them down the road, and I know, given all the data and research, that they are better off in two happy homes rather than one unhappy home. I have also been told this by numerous friends who have had their parents divorce when they were in their late teens or early twenties. I've read all the stats... kids are much better off when their parents divorce while they are young. And so this is why I took this huge, blind leap of faith a year and a half ago. I did it partly for myself, partly for my husband and partly for the children.

And so now I am in this turbulent sea and I have no idea upon which shore the angry waves will spit me out and toss me to.

What I need now, more than anything, as I near the end (which seems to keep getting further and further away from me) are my friends. In the end nothing means as much as a good friend. I have said that through and through. I have been eternally grateful for all your support. I have been overwhelmed by the love and the comments and prayers of real friends near and far as well as my virtual friends whom I've met via the world of Twitter and blogging. You all have meant the world to me. I hope I have let you know this.

It's a hard time of the year. The holidays are here and so in addition to the pressures of coming through this adventure unscathed, with dignity and grace, I have the pressures of getting my life on track, of making my children's holiday a memorable one and of keeping myself relatively sane and together which is proving more and more difficult with each and passing day. But I always seem to manage to pull myself together none the less.

I am so lucky. I have hundreds upon hundreds of friends. But when one friend disappears from the pack, even when there are hundreds of others, there is still a huge and gaping and deep and black hole.

I guess it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... but still the loss hurts. It just fucking hurts. And out of everything I am feeling now, the confusion and fear and sadness and anxiety, the loss of one small person has had the biggest impact on my life.

This person won't ever read this. But I needed to write this anyway. For me and for you all who have lost friends and who may lose friends in the process.

XOXO

Jessica