it could happen to anyone... it could happen to you

Thank you all for your comments and concern. I am angered at my judicial system. I am angered at the nation's judicial system. If that is used against me then so be it. I have a voice. I am using my voice. I am using it for me and for all the women out there who have traveled these roads ahead of me and for all the women who have yet to travel these roads. I will not be silenced and I should not be silenced.

Before I continue I want to say that my lawyer is talented and very, very well respected in her field. She is known for being tough and for being fair and has a reputation of being nice in a world of rotten slime-balls. This was one of the reasons I chose her. Last week, in the courthouse, I was witness to how my husband's lawyer spoke to my lawyer and how she spoke to her own client. It was appalling. I was not in the room. I was in the hallway and could hear her screams. My lawyer handled herself with grace, dignity and ultimate professionalism throughout the process. The way my lawyer was treated by my husband's lawyer was unacceptable and uncalled for. If I am glad of one thing, it is that she behaved so incredibly poorly that my own lawyer spent the next two days fielding calls from other lawyers and mediators, and even a judge, I believe, as all were aghast that someone could actually behave in such a manner in family court. The screaming I over heard was embarrassing. Her behavior would not have been acceptable from my 6 year old.

Every now and then my lawyer would come out to confer with me. She was red and flustered. She was taking a lot of abuse. At one point she said, "Jessica, if I didn't like you so much I would have told you to hire another attorney. I have never been spoken to or treated in such a manner." As we were out in the hallway other lawyers approached us, approached her, making sure that she was OK despite the wrath in the other room.

Every once in a while you will come across the one person who gives an entire industry a bad rap. I have met that person.

It is easy for you to offer your advice and to tell me to get a new lawyer, but it is also unfair. I appreciate that you feel for me and what has happened, but truly my own lawyer has worked long and hard. I have not lost everything and in 6 months I will have something coming my way. Sometimes a good lawyer is no match to a judge. The judge we had does not favor women. The judge we have is extra hard on stay at home mothers. This is known. I have had emails and messages from others who have crossed her path. This judge has no empathy or sympathy for a stay at home mother. I know of a couple of women, now divorced, who would like to see this judge removed. So it is not about me and it is not about my lawyer. It is about a system which is supposed to be fair. It's about a system that is not at all fair.

I could ask for a trial. I am seriously thinking about doing so. If I do so, I would do it less for myself, but more to prove a point. I would do it to prove the point that there is no respect for stay at home mothers. I would do it to give a voice to women everywhere who need to be heard but can't be. This process has changed me. It has made me stronger. It has made me more determined. It has helped me realize that despite everything I am incredibly lucky and unfortunate. It has made me realize that I want to help people.

Each divorce case is different. There are issues at hand that make this situation more sensitive and complicated but I am choosing not to discuss with respect to my family. I am not going to pin blame on anyone. No one is to blame and yet we all are to blame. As I have said before I think my husband is a decent man. I am still upset that he will allow me to go without finances to pay for a car and health insurance. Finding a job has not been easy. I have been at it since September. I have also been trying to get a small social media consulting firm off the ground. But effort is not enough these days, it seems. Nothing in life is black and white;  there is a great deal of grey matter. In our situation there's an enormous amount of grey matter.

In my case it was assumed that someone could provide for me if my husband wouldn't or couldn't. I find this despicable. I am not getting any outside help. And if I was, just by the judge's actions alone, I would turn down all offers.

I am not the first person this has happened to and I won't be the last. We mustn't let it happen anymore. It could happen to you, your best friend, sister, mother, aunt... it could happen to anyone.

Again, thank you all so very much for your notes, thoughts, prayers, phone calls, emails and all.
It is truly appreciated!

XOXO

Jessica