Please don't tell me you're sorry...
Don't be. I'm not. I don't want you to be sorry. I don't want your pity. I'm going through a terribly difficult time right now, but I'll be alright. I'll be better than alright. I'll be great. No, I'll be fanfuckingtastic. In the meantime, I'm allowed to feel not so wonderful and disappointed from time to time.
Many of you know that I am at the end of a very long journey towards divorce. It has been the most difficult, trying and challenging experience of my life. Nothing in life is easy, and certainly nothing on this journey has been. Even this chin-up-put-your-best-face-forward girl sometimes feels like crumbling.
Sometimes smiling is simply the easiest thing to do to. It's simple, smile and happiness comes to you and for the most part, it really happens that way. But there are those days when you just don't feel like smiling. You're hurt and angry and extremely pissed off. I truly believe that it's OK to admit it and to let people know that you're not in the best of moods, or you're, frankly, in a lousy mood.
No two stories are the same and no two people are the same, so while each divorce situation is different there are many common threads. Here we have a story of hurt and retaliation. I am the one being hurt - being retaliated against. For so long I have kept quiet, thinking it best to keep certain parts of my personal life away from public eye. But this is my blog, my journal, my life... As I share with you all that excites me, all the kind finds I stumble across, creative ideas for your lifestyle, your home, I feel I should sometimes share with you the deeper side of me... the side that's not revealed in what materials I wear, what colors I pick... what inspires me to be my best, do my best, find my best...
The girl with the smile is how I am often seen and referred to. Stylish and silly. But sometimes I don't want to smile and I don't want to be silly. Sometimes I simply want to crumble. But I can't let myself. I can't let the other party see my weak and vulnerable side... I can't let them see just how much they are getting to me, tearing me apart, slowly, bit by bit. I can't for that person's sake and I can't for the sake of my children. My children have kept me grounded and true through this whole ordeal. If not for them I do wonder where and how I would be right now. I suppose I owe them everything. And I do mean everything. One day I'll tell them. One day they'll know.
I started this journey toward divorce for me and for my children. I wanted a better life for me and I wanted a better life for my children. My children will thrive better, and be more successful when they see me being happy and more successful. One may say it's selfish of me to think in this manner, but I have to say, to the contrary.
My husband never encouraged me to pursue my passions, dreams or goals. He often thought my little pleasures were more of an interference. I did too much of this, spent too much time at the school doing the fundraising for the children - and why wasn't I fundraising for my family instead? I felt good and important helping out. I loved being out of the house. And best of all was the flexibility. I could help make a difference and I could be with my kids when they needed me most. Anything that pleased me was dismissed as useless and unimportant. Unimportant to whom? How can another person tell you what's important to you? They simply can't!
According to him, my blog was a waste of time. The friends I was starting to meet through through this venture were all a waste of time. It seemed, everything I did that did not directly regard my family was... a waste of time. And suddenly it seemed that everything that made me happy and proud was, in his eyes was... a waste of time. Everything that had become so important to me, was... a waste of time. Everything that mattered to me... was a waste of time.
I got to the point where I could do and take no more. I knew what was really making me happy. Writing, being creative, and meeting wonderfully interesting and fascinating people, was truly making me happy. Through blogging I was allowed to keep honing in on my craft and improve my skills. Sadly, my partner was not.
And the more I thought about the unhappiness and the negativity, which is so clearly not me, the more I thought I had to get rid of the source of it all. It may sound harsh, but as I sat home for 13 years birthing, nursing, raising my children... guiding them to be the best that they can be... encouraging them to make their best decisions, I decided it was time to start taking care of myself and my needs.
I was tired of being put down. I was tired of not getting recognized for all my positive traits. I was tired of feeling sad all the time. So, I did what I had to do. I asked for a divorce. (Yes, we did try for a brief time to try to remedy the situation, but we were two fundamentally very different people and we were too far gone.) And so even now, as I sit here taking silent punch after silent punch, I know that this will soon be over. I know that this will have been the best and most important decision I have ever had to make. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this HAS been the best decision I have ever had to make.
I can see the sunshine out my window... and next to her will be a lovely rainbow. I cannot wait to go out and touch the sunshine. I cannot wait! I've got my wings on and I know I'm going to soar!
In similar posts in the past many of you have reached out to me... please do so now if you want to. I am more than happy to share my journey... more than happy to help you if you are starting a similar one or thinking about it... There's no reason to go through it alone.
XOXO
Many of you know that I am at the end of a very long journey towards divorce. It has been the most difficult, trying and challenging experience of my life. Nothing in life is easy, and certainly nothing on this journey has been. Even this chin-up-put-your-best-face-forward girl sometimes feels like crumbling.
Sometimes smiling is simply the easiest thing to do to. It's simple, smile and happiness comes to you and for the most part, it really happens that way. But there are those days when you just don't feel like smiling. You're hurt and angry and extremely pissed off. I truly believe that it's OK to admit it and to let people know that you're not in the best of moods, or you're, frankly, in a lousy mood.
No two stories are the same and no two people are the same, so while each divorce situation is different there are many common threads. Here we have a story of hurt and retaliation. I am the one being hurt - being retaliated against. For so long I have kept quiet, thinking it best to keep certain parts of my personal life away from public eye. But this is my blog, my journal, my life... As I share with you all that excites me, all the kind finds I stumble across, creative ideas for your lifestyle, your home, I feel I should sometimes share with you the deeper side of me... the side that's not revealed in what materials I wear, what colors I pick... what inspires me to be my best, do my best, find my best...
The girl with the smile is how I am often seen and referred to. Stylish and silly. But sometimes I don't want to smile and I don't want to be silly. Sometimes I simply want to crumble. But I can't let myself. I can't let the other party see my weak and vulnerable side... I can't let them see just how much they are getting to me, tearing me apart, slowly, bit by bit. I can't for that person's sake and I can't for the sake of my children. My children have kept me grounded and true through this whole ordeal. If not for them I do wonder where and how I would be right now. I suppose I owe them everything. And I do mean everything. One day I'll tell them. One day they'll know.
I started this journey toward divorce for me and for my children. I wanted a better life for me and I wanted a better life for my children. My children will thrive better, and be more successful when they see me being happy and more successful. One may say it's selfish of me to think in this manner, but I have to say, to the contrary.
My husband never encouraged me to pursue my passions, dreams or goals. He often thought my little pleasures were more of an interference. I did too much of this, spent too much time at the school doing the fundraising for the children - and why wasn't I fundraising for my family instead? I felt good and important helping out. I loved being out of the house. And best of all was the flexibility. I could help make a difference and I could be with my kids when they needed me most. Anything that pleased me was dismissed as useless and unimportant. Unimportant to whom? How can another person tell you what's important to you? They simply can't!
According to him, my blog was a waste of time. The friends I was starting to meet through through this venture were all a waste of time. It seemed, everything I did that did not directly regard my family was... a waste of time. And suddenly it seemed that everything that made me happy and proud was, in his eyes was... a waste of time. Everything that had become so important to me, was... a waste of time. Everything that mattered to me... was a waste of time.
I got to the point where I could do and take no more. I knew what was really making me happy. Writing, being creative, and meeting wonderfully interesting and fascinating people, was truly making me happy. Through blogging I was allowed to keep honing in on my craft and improve my skills. Sadly, my partner was not.
And the more I thought about the unhappiness and the negativity, which is so clearly not me, the more I thought I had to get rid of the source of it all. It may sound harsh, but as I sat home for 13 years birthing, nursing, raising my children... guiding them to be the best that they can be... encouraging them to make their best decisions, I decided it was time to start taking care of myself and my needs.
I was tired of being put down. I was tired of not getting recognized for all my positive traits. I was tired of feeling sad all the time. So, I did what I had to do. I asked for a divorce. (Yes, we did try for a brief time to try to remedy the situation, but we were two fundamentally very different people and we were too far gone.) And so even now, as I sit here taking silent punch after silent punch, I know that this will soon be over. I know that this will have been the best and most important decision I have ever had to make. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this HAS been the best decision I have ever had to make.
I can see the sunshine out my window... and next to her will be a lovely rainbow. I cannot wait to go out and touch the sunshine. I cannot wait! I've got my wings on and I know I'm going to soar!
In similar posts in the past many of you have reached out to me... please do so now if you want to. I am more than happy to share my journey... more than happy to help you if you are starting a similar one or thinking about it... There's no reason to go through it alone.
XOXO
Jessica
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