Still finding my footing and chasing my dreams...

Where to begin!?

(There's a little venting here and if you're going to take issue please close out this tab.)

It's been an insanely crazy month with a lot of my hard work starting to come to fruition. The stuff you dream about and you wonder whether these dreams will ever really come true... Well, it seems as though they may. I've just signed a 3 year consulting contract with a health and wellness company to help launch their food division by heading their public relations and social media department. I can't yet divulge everything but I will soon. This is, for the moment, a part time position that will allow me to be able to spend time with my children and let me work on my other ventures. But as the company grows so does the potential of my position. Because I have so much in the hopper I will be working around the clock, and last night I didn't come up for air until well after Midnight. It will be all worth it. I have another huge project in the works. I am talking huge. Epic. A dream come true. Though I don't know for certain if this dream will come true, I do know that I've taken the first and most important step and right now, the signs are pointing to YES. Forgive me for being cryptic and I promise to divulge when I can. It's just that I am so scared to jinx myself!

I've finally gotten to that place where I am being acknowledged, appreciated and respected for what I do. It feels good. Scratch that - it feels great!  I will continue to write for the larger national and international online and print publications. I need to focus my efforts on my own site and continue to grow it. It's where my focus needs to be now. It's found it's place, it's voice and it's poised to become something larger that will also serve as the necessary platform for one of my projects.

These years of sweat and toil and focus and determination are starting to pay off. It feels good. There's a sense of accomplishment that I have never experienced before. I just need that one last giant step. I have the most amazing people behind me and their support and enthusiasm mean more than anything. It's amazing what a little positive reinforcement and a few pep talks can do to your spirit.

I'm still being met by the "opposing team." The Opposing Team who still thinks that I am wasting my time and doesn't take what I am doing seriously and shows no respect for me or what I do. And despite it all it still hurts and it's still hard to swallow. Sometimes I feel as though someone's trying to knock me off my feet and prevent me from being successful.

On Friday evening I was out with a few people in New York. It was a very important evening to me and it had been blocked out for nearly two months. In fact, the rest of the day's events revolved that evening's plans. I hadn't expected it to be a late evening and after a long, busy, inspiring but exhausting week in the city I was looking forward to going home early, tossing on my pajamas, resting my feet and having a glass of wine. But the evening started a bit later and lasted a bit longer than originally planned. It was to be my scheduled weekend without the children so I, initially, didn't worry about being home at any particular time - if at all that night. I could have stayed in the city. I had agreed to give my ex my free weekend so that he could go skiing with his girlfriend. I've swapped a lot of my weekends before. My one condition was that I needed to keep my Friday night to myself. Initially there was no problem. Then there was. The drive to the mountain was 4 hours away. He needed the entire weekend. That I couldn't offer this time around. So he was not going to go.

I could not very well put a dream on hold. I would not put a dream on hold. And then suddenly he decided that was going to go skiing again and he told me he would watch the children but bring them to me later that night. Which would have been fine. But our night started later and ended later. And suddenly my phone kept buzzing with texts asking when I was coming home? What train would I be on? It was incessant. And embarrassing. Would I dare text him during a business dinner? Never. And despite the fact that I had given up my weekend for him I was suddenly "flaking out" because I was at an important event. Something he knew was important to me. My heart sank. It's still sad. I want to shout Move on and leave me alone and let me try to realize my dreams and stop trying to stop me! I gave up MY weekend for crying out loud... Sigh... I gave up another weekend so he could go skiing in Italy. And another so he could go to the Caribbean and then another so that he could go to Block Island or someplace. I'm seeing a pattern. Suddenly I'm realizing that my desire to be accommodating has just made it easier for him to take advantage of me. I went to Nantucket 2 years ago. Yes I went to London last year - that was business and pleasure. I've traveled twice in 2 years. But I also always take the kids for his business trips and has a great many more than I do. I'm not trying to be catty but I'm now waking up. When I make personal plans I always stick to my designated parenting weekends. I've talked to a lot of my friends about this - both men and women. The consensus has basically been unanimous. He should keep his weekends with the kids. And that I am being taken advantage of. Ugh... sigh...

I need the weekend after this one. It's my scheduled weekend without the children. I have plans. In order to get back on track I will most likely have the kids again this weekend. That's 3 weekends in a row which really is no big deal at all save for the fact that he's putting his social life ahead of the children's. They aren't blind to this. Maybe we will share this weekend. I offered it up to him. I asked him if he'd be interested. His answer was IDK. In other words, if nothing better comes up... This is getting old and I don't think it will ever end.

I will be divorced 2 years in about a week's time. I thought all the kinks would be worked out by now. I guess not. Maybe they never will be. All I know is that I am stronger and am holding my ground. I didn't run home at the sight of the first text on Friday evening. I did not give him my next free weekend so he could go away with his girlfriend... He can do what the rest of us do, make plans on his designated weekend or say no.

As for me with my two potentially large, huge, projects, there could be a lot of travel in my future. I will do the best I can to schedule everything accordingly. If I can't perhaps I will be able to bring my children with me... it's still too early to know all this yet. But stay tuned folks 'cause epic shit is about to happen!

And I will never forget who stuck by me. I will never forget who rooted for me. I will never forget who cheered along the sidelines and who picked me up while I was down. And conversely, there have been naysayers and there have been jealousies... All I have to say is this... Karma, baby... She be a bitch!

Thank you for letting me vent and air out my frustrations. I feel a little better! 

Jessica