Conscious Uncoupling and 12 Amazing Life Lessons from Gwyneth Paltrow

Warning... I'm in a snarky mood... I'm in a very snarky mood!

Who says"conscious uncoupling?" Why can't you say we're separating, splitting, going our separate ways or divorcing like the rest of the world does? What the fuck is a conscious uncoupling? Is she simply too cool to get divorced? Is it something she's simply far above? I truly think it is. Maybe she's embarrassed by the fact that her marriage failed. (Rumors are swirling around. Tempting, but I won't speculate.) After all, divorce happens to other people but we never - not in a million years - ever imagine it would happen to us, right? But it has, it did and it is. And you, Ms. Paltrow, in that sense, are no different from me.Your marriage, like mine failed. It really is as simple as that.

When I first heard the news, after my initial "what the fuck?" comment I must admit I paused for a moment and was disappointed, sad for this couple who seemingly had it all... Who seemingly were perfect together. Those of us who've been through a divorce know how sad it is for all parties involved. Not one person is unaffected. Not one person doesn't suffer, doesn't feel hurt or pain. A divorce is the end of something much like death is the end of something. Divorce is final and permanent. It marks, for many, the end of a dream. There are many reasons why people choose to divorce, part ways, separate... I've learned not to speculate. Our stories are all so different. Our experiences are all so different.

On one hand I would like to say that I would never wish divorce on even my worst enemy. On the other hand I might almost say everyone should go through it - not for the sake of "uncoupling" then "recoupling" but for the experiences and personal growth gained. Divorce opens your eyes. It makes you see things you've never seen before. It has you looking at things from different angles. It has you looking at yourself from all angles, in ways you've never seen yourself before. You become deeply introspective, even philosophical, maybe even spiritual. Eventually you become calmer, and more patient. You learn what really matters in life.

I really want to feel badly for Ms. Paltrow, but for some reason I just can't. I think maybe it's because she's gotten to a place that's so far removed from the rest of us. I think maybe it's because she's just so out of touch - And we can't, and we mustn't blame her celebrity. There are plenty out there who are real and who are incredibly grounded.

I'm compassionate. I'm kind. I'm feeling... Really I am... I get the broken hearts and bruises and dreams deferred, but it's just so hard to feel badly for her... Every time she opens her mouth she inserts her own foot into it deeper and deeper. Recently she was quoted telling a reporter that she had it harder than most... Does she truly believe that with an estimated net worth of a bazillion (more or less) dollars your life is harder than the working mother who earns $50,000 or $60,000, or even just $25,000?  It's just so hard to  feel so badly for someone who is that out of touch.

I read recently on Yahoo news, an article that was titled 12 Amazing Life Lessons from Gwyneth Paltrow. I will share her thoughts, then my own. Because this woman just brings out the snark in me.
My comments are in blue. I sincerely hope that piece was a farce. Below my snark released itself. I had no control. I thought about not publishing this piece, worried about my own squeaky clean image, but then again my image isn't squeaky clean and I have no intention of asking Ms. Paltrow to write a forward or introduction to any of the books I plan on writing and publishing over the next 20 or so years.

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Interest in Gwyneth Paltrow's ways has soared this week, after the actress posted news of her separation from husband Chris Martin on her lifestyle site Goop.

We can learn so much from her - including, but not limited, to:

1. Alcohol makes you look like a tool: "I think it’s incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, oh, you’re really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public." Ok, here I agree with her. Completely. This may be the only time I ever will.

2. If you're rich, you're rich. Own it: "I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year." BULLSHIT. Own it? In what sense? My parents would be horrified. ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED. I bet her mother is too. How do you own the fact that you're rich? By making others feel rotten? Inferior? There are a great number of rich, very rich people who are down to earth, kind and philanthropic. There are a great deal of rich, very rich people whom you would never know are rich because they don't go broadcasting such information all over the place. This is called class, Ms. Paltrow. Money can buy you lots of things but it cannot buy class. Your mother has it but I'm afraid that you don't. And on that note, there are plenty of non-rich people who exude class.

Maybe you should pretend to be someone who makes $25,000 a year. Perhaps this would help you see just how completely ridiculous you have become, and then maybe you will see that we are no different you and I... Take away all your material possessions and what you have is a pretty blonde... but not much else. You and I, Ms. Paltrow, are cut from the same cloth. We grew up near each other, went to similar schools on the same side of town, and while my parents weren't actors my lifestyle was not much different from yours.

But now Ms. Paltrow, because I too am "uncoupled" I live a very, very different lifestyle. You will never ever know what it's like to have to sacrifice or go without. You will never know what it's like to tell your child they can't have something they want because you can't afford it. You will never know what it's like to tell your children that they can't do, have or go places because you can't afford it. You will never have to dig between the cushions to look for spare change to buy a carton of milk. You will never have to tell your children they can't have a (macrobiotic organic vegan) ice cream cone because the rent or water or heat has to be paid. You will never worry that you'll not have enough money to fill your gas tank. Yes, Gwyneth, I went to private schools, summered in the South of France and lived a life of privilege. But what separates me from you - other than the fact my children have normal names - is that I have experienced life. Real life. Real, hard life. And you know what? I may like it a little bit better? I think it's made me a better person. Because when I come out of this, and I am and will, I will be doing better things than selling $500 shirts on my macrobiotic website. When I get back on my feet - by going to an office, which I know is as much of a cop out in your eyes as my winning the lottery, I will first give to my children the things they need and want and then I will help those who are in need of help.

3. Being a mother is no excuse for not working out: "Every woman can make time [to work out] — every woman — and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I’ve worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work." I work out 5 times a week, when I am able. But there are days and even weeks sometimes when this is not possible. My stomach still looks like it housed at least a dozen or so children at one time or other. No workout will rid the excess skin and stretchmarks. I may not be as genetically blessed as you, and maybe I would love a washboard stomach. The fact I don't have one has less to do with laziness than my gene pool. But I am not from a shallow gene pool and my excess skin and stretch marks and scars and badges of honor and courage and I own them and wear them proudly.

And what about those working mothers who have no help whatsoever? Who must dress and feed the children before work. Who must dress and feed themselves before dropping the children to daycare or school and then running off to the office. Ah the office. Such slackers are all those women who work in offices! No wonder they don't work out! Then these exhausted women rush home after a full day and put in the equivalent of another full day as there is homework and dinner and laundry and tidying and all the other stuff that your staff and nannies take care of.

Furthermore, I am quite sure that the working out you do involves more than a simple 20 minute bout of aerobic activity... Something tells me that you might have a staff for that as well.

4. Cup-a-Soup is the LITERAL WORST: "I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup."
First of all, is that sentence even grammatically correct?
I have no words. This is just the stupidest comment ever. We're not Cup-a-Soup people either but... wait, scratch that. There is something WORSE than Cup-a-Soup. It's Ramen. And guess what. I let my kids eat it!!! I don't even try to make it remotely better for you by adding tofu or peas or kale or ANYTHING. Bring on the Ramen. It was my best friend in college, in my contraband croc-pot! I ate tons.

5. Natural things are good *eats sand*: "We’re human beings and the sun is the sun—how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you." What the FUCK??? Dogs shit and pee on the sand.

6. A penchant for healthy stuff can take you to dark places: “During the strict macrobiotic chapter of my life, I ate miso soup every day for breakfast and sometimes with dinner as well.” Oh girl, if that's the darkest place you've ever been to, then I have even less respect for you. In fact, I really may even feel a tiny bit sorry for you... Nah...

7. Rapping like a BAD MUTHA is fun: “He [Chris Martin] can’t have background music on. It has to be 100 percent of his attention. But if he isn’t at home, I turn on the hip-hop. I’m like a bad mutha rapping along to every word as I cook.” Why do I find this so hard to believe? Step into my house and I think you might think Eminem is tame!

8. Beware the concierge: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?’" I'm slamming my head on the table right about now. First of all groom yourself before you go away. That's just gross. Now don't listen to Gwynnie folks... Do listen to the concierge. When in Paris eat as Parisians do. Meat, cheese, bread... and eat copious amounts of them because French Women Don't Get Fat! Drink wine and champagne. Drink copious amounts of them. And I am quite certain that a Frenchman would scoff at the request of "organic champagne."

9. If in doubt over your own singing ability, just turn to your good friend Actual Beyonce: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we were at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’"
Huh?

10. Canned dairy products are almost (but not quite) as bad as Cup-a-Soup: "I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin." Seriously. For real? I really wanna jam a Twinkie down her skinny little throat. Tinned cheese? Not sure what that is but clearly this prude never had any fun with her husband and a can of Reddi Whip... ;)

Addendum:
My friend Jess reminded me about this cheese in a tin that was an integral part of our junk food diet in the late 70s and early 80s. It's called Cheese Wiz. It comes in a can and you can spray it, much like Reddi Whip. It was a culinary delight served on Ritz crackers. And then washed down with a refreshing, saccharine-filled Tab. I can taste it now! Another delicacy I can taste is the wonderful onion dip we made to eat with our potato chips. Made from Lipton's Cup-a-Soup no less! Those were as much a rite of passage as were our Dr. Scholl's sandals, tube tops and cut off jean shorts - all worn together, of course. Outfits never complete without at least half a can of aerosol hair spray. Ah, the good ol, good ol days!

11. Everyday dinner parties can result in disaster: "One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realised I hadn’t thought of dessert." Oh my gosh Darnitall. Too bad y'all didn't have the Reddi Whip in the fridge... You could have served it on your grass-fed organic blueberries and strawberries.

12. Your guiltiest cravings will hit you in London: “One cold wintry day in London, I was dreaming about salad nicoise—one of my favorites.” A salad Nicoise ... Her guilty craving?? She for real? Give me a bag of m&ms filled with sugar and artificial colors, a pint of ice cream, some brownies AND the Reddi Whip...

Such a shame... she really is such a beautiful girl...

I hope this made you laugh... at least smile - Have a great weekend!

Post Script:
It should be known that I am a huge supporter of the local and homegrown movement. I frequent my local farmers and farmer's markets. I watch our family's diet and monitor additional sugars, salts and fats. I believe in using the freshest ingredients whenever possible, however, there are always exceptions to the rule... And I truly believe that everything is OK in moderation. "Junk food", while limited, is not banned. My diet is 60-75% produce on any given day but I love my Diet Coke. I NEED chocolate every now and then and I think pizza may very well be the best food ever invented!