the advocate

I stirred up some controversy on Facebook yesterday (yes, I know... there's a shocker!) when I posted about pulling my son from school. A wave, more like a tsunami, of comments flooded my page with everything from well-meaning and supportive, to mean and critical comments. To be expected, of course. The comments, and really there were just a couple, that were not so positive suggested that I was caving and that my little one was playing me. And while this may be true, I also know, better than anyone, how my children really are. I believe in tough love. I believe in being firm and strict but, by that same token we must listen to our children. Alexander cannot articulate why he hates school so much but he does. It is not normal to scream every night before bedtime. It is not normal to fight me every morning. Not in the first grade when learning should be fun and play.

I kept him from school and it was such a great and insightful day. I saw exactly what he is capable of. I saw that he is bright and inquisitive and expressive. He doesn't like to write and his oral skills are so much stronger than his written skills. I can work with him and adapt to his learning style. I can teach creatively, but alas his school cannot. What I learned from working with him yesterday made me realized that his intelligence is not getting the recognition it deserves and before he slips through the cracks and completely loses interest I must do something. He needs to be happy again. He needs to get excited about learning again.

It's been 9 weeks. It's been 9 long weeks. And while we saw a short respite, the days missed from the storm and election day have set us back. Way, way, way back.... So here we are again. As parents we want what's best for our kids. We want them to learn and grow and thrive. We want them to succeed and set them up for success. We don't want to see them struggle. We don't want to see them sad. From the moment our children are born we have that dire instinct to protect them. When they are little they can't adequately express themselves. We need to speak up for them. Speak out for them. We need to be their advocates. It really kind of sucks that I have to fight for my child in what should be a nurturing and welcoming environment. They spend more time at school than they do at home and they should fee as safe and comfortable at school as they do at home.

I want my kid to be an artist. Or a musician. Or a celebrated novelist. Perhaps a lawyer or doctor. I want him to be a prize-winning architect. Or perhaps even the recipient of the Nobel Prize. I want him to be whatever it is he wants to be. The world is his oyster. But if he continues down this path where he is sad and anxious and uninspired he won't be any of those things. Children, at this age, are hungry for knowledge. Their minds are like sponges, and I know Alexander soaks every bit of information up that he possibly can. The things that he repeats to me are astounding. I'm constantly learning from him. Every day he teaches me something. But what he's teaching me isn't what he's bringing home from the classroom.

And there seems to be a great disconnect.

I was told by his teacher that he reads below grade level. I was shocked to hear this as we have been reading books that seemed, to me, to be quite advanced. She told me that he's too distracted to sit and read or write for an extended period of time. And this manifests itself in his writing too. I've known this all along but he's had teachers who have been able to help keep him focused or re-engage or help him to re-focus and when that happens he's just where he should be. The problem here lies in the fact that he is one of 24 children in his classroom. There is just one teacher and no aide. In a class of 24 very highly spirited kids, Alexander basically doesn't stand a chance. And this is why he is bored and miserable. He is not learning the way he should be as he is much too distracted to do so.

Of course I can medicate and at some point we will go that route, but medicating ADHD kids isn't all that easy. There's no such thing as a miracle pill. There's no cure-all. It's a constant battle and constant effort to keep on top of the children and teachers to make sure that we're on the right track. Sometimes it can take months to get the medicine and the dosage just right. In a small school where teachers reach out to you this can be done.

Alexander is not a complainer. Of course he'll complain to me, I'm his mother. But I can drop him off at school, screaming and crying and he'll wipe his tears and "man up" so as not to draw attention to himself. But I can see, as I watch him cross the parking lot to the back of the building, by his demeanor and his gait, that he's not happy. It crushes me. Each and every time I watch him, it crushes me.

Alexander is, apparently, a lovely young boy in the classroom. He is helpful and courteous and is one of the more mature children. He is friends with everyone and he is well received by his peers. Yet he never wants anyone to come over for a play date. He doesn't want to socialize with these children. By that same token our phone isn't ringing either. (I've never been given a list of phone numbers of the children in his classroom.) So all Alexander has is me and I wish he had more. He's such a good and outgoing kid. He's always made friends easily. He's always loved his play dates.

This little child has been through so very much in the past 6 months. He has moved houses, towns and is trying to come to terms with our divorce. He has had to start a new school. And his older brother and sister haven't had to. That's an awful lot to place on a little kid.

He's happy at my home and he's happy when he's with his father. He isn't happy at school.

I need to be his advocate. Without me he has no one... I do think we have a terribly long road ahead...


Wish me luck!

XOXO,

Jessica