Working mother, single mother... How are we supposed to get ahead?

I sometimes feel like I'm being set up to fail without even having the chance to get on my feet. It's as though I'm in mid rise, getting up from a seated position, if you will, only to be knocked back down. I've had a lot of distractions over the past 9 months since I've decided that I wanted to get a small business off the ground. The divorce, selling a home and moving were distracting enough. But being a mother offers a whole new set of complications. Children need you both physically and emotionally. They need to be taken to and from school. They need to be taken to and from activities. And then there are those days with early dismissal. School is out in two weeks and my oldest has exams next week. More half days. She hasn't got school on Friday unless she falls ill and needs to go in on Friday to make up her exam. Any chance I have of drumming up business over the next couple of weeks are slim to none.

Sure there are camps over the summer. In my neck of the woods they're ridiculously expensive. We're looking at roughly $1,000 a week to put three kids in camp. And we still have to feed them. This would run us $12,000 a summer, the price of parochial school tuition. Because I'm not sure how many, if any, clients I will have over the summer I am not spending money I do not have. Each child will have one week of camp each month. So the rest of the summer they are in my care.

Because their father works full time he cannot take off time, even though he legally is responsible to do so. Because somehow his job is more important than any prospect of my finding work. And I should be grateful for the 1 week I will have each month to try to meet with potential clients. Because, of course, everyone should be willing to work around my schedule. {Huge eye roll here} And so I pose this question... Why should his already established career be more important than my potential career? It's insulting and offensive. I have had to back out of so many opportunities at the last minute because I have had a sick child and he, as their father, should have stepped up to the plate. But typical to modern motherhood I must juggle it all, successfully, of course, without letting a ball drop. Of course I love my children dearly and of course there isn't anything I wouldn't do, but I feel, sometimes I have sacrificed so much of myself... too much of myself... Of course this is the definition of motherhood. I do find it terribly frustrating though.

And this is what we wanted. To be able to do it all. And this is what I want - to be able to do it all, and to be able to do it all well. However, I will never tell you I do not need help. Because I do. I will never tell you I won't ask for help. Because I do. And so it's doubly frustrating to want and need and ask for help and not to get it... or to get it too late.

And so on Monday I was eager for a fun and educational and productive day in the city. I bought my tickets on Sunday. I had planned on hitting the National Stationery Show on Monday and a small event in the evening on Wednesday. I couldn't go in on Monday as my littlest one had been up all night with a nasty cough. It would weigh heavily on me, wondering whether he was OK or not while I was not nearby enough to run over and scoop him up. So I did what any mother would do. I put my needs and desires on hold and focused on my child.



Yesterday he seemed well and happy and I sent him off to school with his brother and sister. We had sort of a mad scramble in the morning so I could get them to school early in order to make my train.  I got to the city and had a great morning. I met a friend for coffee and then decided to check my emails before heading over to the Jacob Javits Center. It was then I saw that I had a phone call from the children's school. Alexander was in the nurse's office with a slight fever. His father was no where to be found. Of course not. He didn't have a phone. He washed it accidentally. Innocent enough - we all make mistakes like that. But where he was neglectful as a father was not replacing his phone in case of emergency. He had been contacting people via email from his iPad. But email is not an effective means of communication. He was waiting for his company to send him his replacement phone. But, as a responsible father, he should have been proactive and bought himself a replacement, emergency phone for a few dollars.

I called the school nurse. Alexander had a fever of 100. She technically didn't need to send him home until his fever reached 100.5. She felt horribly that I was in New York. She could watch him if I wanted. But I couldn't do that. I couldn't in all good consciousness leave him at school. And I would be distracted, unfocused... I'd be preoccupied with my sick baby, as any mother would be. I could hop the 12:04 home. I could be at school by 1:45 which was well over 2 hours away. It was the best I could do, but I would get there.

I headed back to Grand Central Station. With 35 minutes to spare I perused the food market... taking in the beautiful produce, cheeses, meats, baked goods. I decided to pick up a little something for my sick child and chose a pretty cookie in the shape of a flower.

I made the train with plenty of time to spare. When we cleared the tunnels of New York's underbelly, a voice message appeared on my phone. It was the school. Alexander had been picked up by his father. They had hoped I had gotten the message in time. I was sailing away, swiftly, towards Connecticut. And I wouldn't even be able to comfort my ailing child. My heart sank. Tears started to well up in my eyes. Why hadn't he called me? I could get off at the next stop and wait (what, an hour?) for the next train back into the city. But my day was already shot. My hope of being one step closer to building my own business was squelched. I rode the train home in silence... sad, disappointed with a sense of failure... as a business woman - as a mother.