How my divorce made me a better person...

None of us ever imagine ourselves in this situation and yet here we are. We can't go back. We can look back from where we came. We can be happy. We can be sad. We can reminisce. We have fond memories and sad moments and these all define us. All of our experiences define who we are today and who we are still to become. I can say with absolute certainty that divorce has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Of course I still wish it hadn't caused 4 other people pain and if I could have prevented that I would have. But I daresay that we have all come out ahead. This is not to say that our lives have become easier - they haven't at all but I do believe that our lives have more meaning. My children are learning and growing and thriving. They know that good things aren't handed out to us on silver platters and we all must work hard in order to achieve success. My children have wants but they have no needs. Children should have wants. Not enough do these days as they're given everything. I want my children to understand the value of a dollar and the benefits of hard work. Strong work ethics, I believe, are more important than good grades. My children are learning that you can't give up. I think they're learning as they watch me - as they watch me try to get my footing and find my own balance. They watch as I do the best I can to be the best parent I can be. They know their needs are put ahead of my own and they know I have their best interest in mind. They know that with absolute certainty. They see me struggle. They know that we have to watch our spending and make decisions wisely. I talk to them openly about finances and debt (I have none) and how you must pay your bills first and then choose how best to spend what's leftover... if anything is leftover. They know that credit cards are bad and that saving up for what you want is good. They didn't know any of this before the divorce.

As for me I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. So what if the kids haven't made their beds today? I have learned that somehow everything will fall into place as it's meant to. I have learned that deadlines get met, lunches get made and kids get to school. I have learned that chores get done and it's not the end of the world if dishes get left in the sink overnight. I have learned that I cannot do it all. I have learned not to say yes unless I can commit myself and unless I really want to. I've become a much better listener. I think that has made me a better mother, friend, communicator and a better writer. I have learned not to give up. I have learned to rely on myself and that yes I can do it. I have learned that confidence is a powerful thing and I have learned to wear mine proudly. I have learned that my dreams, ambitions and desires are neither worthless or a waste of time and that I should go for them. I have learned that I do have a say in the matter. I have learned that I am talented. I have learned to be patient. I have learned that I am incredibly accepting and tolerant. I have learned that I am good and kind and smart and funny. I have learned that I am ambitious. I have learned to take a chance. I have learned to stare fear in the face. I have learned to step outside of my comfort zone. I have learned to fight my own battles and to stick up for myself. I have learned that I have so much to offer. I have learned that I do have strength and I do have willpower. I have learned to push myself... hard. I have learned to take a chance. I am quite certain that all these traits were stifled in my marriage and I needed to regain my independence to find myself again.

So my hope for you all is not to get divorced or go out and live on  your own- but to be prepared for such. A spouse could die, or lose his job... and alas divorce can and does happen. Make sure that you don't lose yourself in your marriage... in your role as mother and as wife. It's so important that we retain our sense of self. Follow those passions and dreams. Pick up a new skill. And educate yourself - I do not mean in the sense of schooling, though that is important as well, but educate yourself in terms of running a home. I'm not saying that you ought to go out and get a job instead of staying home to raise your children, but I am saying that you should hone in on one of your talents and turn it into a skill - a marketable skill. None of us who are single ever expected to be and you shouldn't either but you should know where things stand - your finances what bills there are and what's due. You should know who to call in case of emergency - who handles, house and lawn maintenance. You should know about insurance policies and stocks and other investments. You should have some idea how much money comes into and out of the home each month. You should know how to use a few basic tools and fix a few basic things around the home. Surprisingly there is not much I can't do. I was, for so many years, led to believe that I couldn't or what I was doing was wrong. And maybe I am doing it wrong, but I'm getting the right results!

Jessica