Stuck in reverse....
Sometimes nothing defines us better than a song. I've been down and low for a few days now. Much of it had to do with the anticipation of Easter and that this would be yet another holiday where I did not have my kids. I was alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas and now Easter. Even with the aid of attorneys I still find myself with the short end of the stick. How is this only child with no family nearby to be alone yet again for another holiday? Holidays are meant to be spent with the children, or family and loved ones. Not alone. I love to be alone but I hate to be lonely. There's a huge difference. There is no worse or sadder feeling in the world than being lonely. I think I know why more people get depressed and commit suicide over the holidays. I never understood it before, but now that I have had three very lonely holidays I do... I really do.
I dreaded Easter.
I dreaded the anticipation of it and I wanted the day over. But it was the day that n.e.v.e.r e.n.d.e.d and seemed to go on and on and on and on... And even though I was so tired and so sad I couldn't sleep. I was sad that this would be the first Easter in 14 years where I didn't make baskets and hide eggs. That's a lot of Easters and eggs. And all those adorable outfits that I picked myself. And now I had no eggs or baskets within sites. The clothes I bought for my children someone else gets to see... not me... So I feel a sense of sadness, regret, anger and loss.
I want to be with my children. I want to be with my children. I want to be with my children. The day is hard enough... And I find myself sinking lower and lower to the ground... my body is heavier and heavier... the tears, free-flowing haven't stopped in over 24 hours. I've fallen and I can't seem to pick myself back up.
It's been nearly a year now. We will have been divorced a year in just a few days. I thought I would have it all figured out by now. I thought all I need is a year. Somehow my magical number was 1... 1 year. All I needed was a year and I would be on my feet and grounded and I would have all the answers. But this isn't the case. This isn't even close to being the case. And now, as that year approaches I find that I have so much more to learn and so much farther to go and so much more growing to do. I don't have the answers... In fact, I know so very little...
I do know this. The first year is hard and it is challenging. I know that I am still finding my footing and that I am still tripping. For the most part when I stumble I can get up quickly. Mostly the journey has been good - no mostly it has been great. I have met some incredible people and had some incredible opportunities and experiences come my way. But there have been times that have been incredibly painful and sad... there have been times where my foundation has been shaken and I wondered whether or not it would completely crumble and implode... whether I was (am) strong enough to endure. Sometimes I amaze myself and sometimes I disappoint myself. And whenever I think I have everything figured out, I get slapped in the face with a big dose of reality.
And another holiday comes. And I don't expect it to be all that bad but I'm blind-sided by the pain of the loneliness... again. And once again I'm knocked over. But this time I seem not to be able to get up. I miss my kids. Tremendously. I am kicking myself for switching weekends. This should have been my weekend and my children should have been with me. And then I am mad at myself for not fighting for them. But I didn't. I wanted to please. I like to make people happy. In so doing I caused my own unhappiness.
But you see, it's greater than just the fact I was alone on Easter. I was blindsided again.
My daughter told me that her father was bringing his new girlfriend to celebrate Easter with his family. Suddenly I was enraged. How dare he not have told me first? How dare he sneak behind my back? How dare he do this on what should have been my Easter with the children. I cried all day yesterday and have been crying most of today.
My daughter texted me several times. "I don't want her here, Mom" - "She doesn't belong here, Mom." "I don't want to be here, Mom." - "I want to go home now, Mom." These text were heartbreaking. Upsetting the both of us beyond words. How could one person be so selfish as not to prepare us all? Selfish indeed.
I am not hurt by the fact he has a girlfriend. I have known this for a very long time. Since last summer. Long before the children have. It is a very small world, after all. And I am OK with it all. What I am not OK with is the sneaking and lying that took place. I am not OK at all with how this situation was handled. And now I know why. This woman has never married. She doesn't have children. She doesn't have the knowledge, insight or wherewith-all to realize that there are other people and other factors that come into play. She doesn't have the same knowledge or compassion that someone who has been married, someone who has children has... Two people made a huge mistake. A mistake that will forever alter the way their daughter looks at them and the way I will deal with them. Her relationship with her father is tepid at best at this point. This certainly did nothing to bring them closer or even try to restore what they had. I will no longer be accommodating to all the requests vacations and trips and weekends... He may have thought I was clueless... but I knew... I knew about everything and yet I was happy to please. But I have been crossed. My daughter has been devastated and I have been hurt.
Any woman who has been married knows that the feelings of an ex-spouse are important, and that the feelings of the ex as a mother are important. But she wouldn't know. She has no children and she has never had a spouse. And I worry for my own children because of this. I wish they two had been brave. I wish they could have told me first. It would have been the mature and proper thing to do. And maybe, just maybe I would have said please don't include the children this Easter. Or maybe I would have suggested they do Easter with her family instead. And maybe I would have given them my blessings; and maybe I would have asked to have my children that morning... I have no idea how it would all have come into play. What I do know is this. I have never felt more betrayed or more alone ever before.
I told him it was too soon. It was too inappropriate. The wounds are still raw and the children need to heal and while we have moved on the children have not. Rebecca told me she would have been livid had I spent my Easter with someone else's family. And with that comment she felt that someone who did not belong was spending Easter with her family. I assured her that I would not (did not) spend Easter with any family or any children. The timing is not appropriate. It is too soon... I am not ready to embark on that kind of commitment yet either... The timing is not appropriate. It is too soon.
If there's one thing I can take from all of this, it is what not to do... I do not want to hurt anyone unnecessarily in this process... I do not want to hurt my partner's children and I do not want my partner's ex spouse to go through what I did and to feel what I did... when the time comes, that is...
Meantime, I will wipe my own tears and acknowledge the wisdom and strength that I've acquired from this most recent turn of events... And I will thank the special person in my life for listening to me and allowing me to feel sad and allowing me to express my fears and frustrations to him as I try to figure this all out... for that I am most grateful of all...
XOXO,
Jessica
This is the song that resonated with me this morning....
"Fix You" by Coldplay
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I will match your painful lyrics with a few simple ones that I keep repeating to myself:
ReplyDelete"And you asked me what I want this year
and I'll try to answer kind and clear
just a chance that maybe will find better days"
Goo Goo Dolls
Just a chance is all I'm asking for. Stay the course my friend.
Your post is heartbreaking. I wish I lived closer to give you hugs and wine yesterday. Today is a new day and hopefully much better. I am sorry! I hope the next holiday in line you have your precious children with you. And I will be thinking especially of your daughter. Sending hugs and friendship!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteMaybe someone can send this to his girlfriend, because she apparently doens't get it.
(I understand that his girlfriend wasn't trying to keep his kids from him, but there's a lesson about blended families that she can learn a great deal from).
Jada Pinkett Smith writes an open letter to an anonymous friend, who’s seeking advice on loving her husband’s children (her step children). In a very candid letter, Jada Pinkett Smith basically tells her to “woman-up” and don’t do anything that will separate a man from his child. In a modern world with many blended families, this open letter has obviously hit home. I’ve seen it re-posted on several Facebook timelines.
We can’t say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT’S selfishness…NOT love. WOMAN UP
Blended families are NEVER easy, but here’s why I don’t have a lot of sympathy for your situation because… we CHOOSE them. When I married Will, I knew Trey was part of the package…Period! If I didn’t want that…I needed to marry someone else. Then I learned if I am going to love Trey…I had to learn to love the most important person in the world to him…his mother. And the two of us may not have always LIKED each other… but we have learned to LOVE each other.
I can’t support any actions that keep a man from his children of a previous marriage. These are the situations that separate the women from the girls. Your behavior is that of an insecure child who needs to recognize her own weaknesses that MUST be strengthened to take on the task at hand. We can’t say we love our man and then come in between him and his children. THAT’S selfishness…NOT love. WOMAN UP… I’ve been there…I know. My blended family made me a giant… Taught me so much about love, commitment and it has been the biggest ego death to date. It’s time you let your blended family make you the giant you truly are.
-J
T- thank you!
ReplyDeleteK - I think in time she will understand but she has to be made to understand. I had a very long talk w the ex today... I had him come over and we had a big family meeting. His actions affected 2 of my kids greatly... I think he understands now... More importantly I wanted him to know that this was about the children, about me and about us as a family. We may be broken but we are a family!
I <3 you ~ It WILL get better and easier ~ I'm so sorry for this pain you have.....xo Lisa Jo
ReplyDeletethank you Lisa Jo! xoxo
ReplyDeleteTo much information. Divorce is painful for anyone involved, especially when their are children involved. Publicly taking swipes at the women who your ex is "dating" is the part that is so not necessary. Since your looking for a pity party publicly. Lets turn the tables: If it was you, sitting at a dinner table of someone you were dating, it would be fine, but it was not. Perhaps a lesson learned this holiday was the fact you need to make an effort to meet others who will invite you into their lives. Shocker, they most likely will be SINGLE, as you are. You need to plan activities or travel on your off weekend away from your children. The women who was your husband "GF or date" has no children, should be a relief to you! Imagine if she also had 3 children. No matter what, your angry and mad that your ex is moving on with his life and your sharing it publicly. It is quite shocking your not having kids at any holiday, how is this happening? Darling, no divorced man clears his agenda with his ex wife and bringing a GF to meet the family is typically a sign he is serious about her. Yes, if this GF is smart she will run for the hills away from this public mess. But the next time, you might not be so lucky ...she (the GF) may be the ex of a wealthy man with children. Yes, your getting a dose of reality and your not the first ex wife with children to go through this. This is meant to be kind as so many of us, watched you make your decision, so sure of yourself two years ago. Some of us already knew...The grass is not always greener on the other side. Your children will have a new step Mom, and their is a good chance of more children. Most men need to be married. You think you have issues now, get your daughter involved with hate of other women and your going to see a whole lot of more issues when she is a teenager. Yes Jessica, you have a lot ahead of you. Focus on making it be a cooperative one. Your now planting the seeds of many issues down the road with your daughter when she is a teen. Only child, yes there are others in the world you are now a mother of several. Wedding, funerals, birthday are in your life forever. Get a reality grip of family harmony and how divorce families make life work out for the best. Your not the only one and its not all about you.
ReplyDeleteI hope your delete this post for the sake of your family. Transparency is wrong and some things in life should remain private. Try a private journal.
Dear Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteMy daughter does not hate the GF nor should she. I won't allow it as that won't do anyone any good. I encourage good relationships and I have been encouraging her to get back to where she was with her father a few years ago. I encourage her father to reach out to her too...
You obviously do not know me and you are judging unfairly. You really have no right to do so.
The issue was the timing and the approach of the matter. An Easter celebration was not the right time. My daughter, in fact, told her father so in as many words. She said "it is too soon" - It was. Unfortunately he didn't fully understand the ramifications of this until I brought it to light.
This upset my youngest terribly as well as her. My ex, as well as the new GF should have both consulted me. We are all adults after all and we all, whether we like it or not, need to work together.
The issue is not at all the GF but the manner in which she was brought in. My kids wanted me there, a part of the holiday, and while I could not be there they are still adjusting to the fact that I am not. They saw their dad as replacing me and that was wrong.
A mother should never ever ever have to see her children as upset as mine were yesterday. It was beyond heartbreaking and heart-wrenching. I will do whatever it takes to ensure my children are happy and healthy - even at my own expense. And yes I have... I have sacrificed so much for my children and their wellness... any good mother does.
I also would never include my SO in a family holiday at this point. It is wrong. One day maybe it will be right but now is not the right time. I am not ready, most importantly the children are not ready. This is not about me but it is about the children and trying to keep this fragmented family intact. I believe that divorced families can co-exist harmoniously. I refuse to call the GF a "GF" to the children and to my ex. I refer to her by name instead. It is out of respect that I do so.
The difference between me and a woman w out children is that I UNDERSTAND that this involves so many people... I am considerate of my SO's ex and their children... I have been there. I have been in their shoes. My children are the same ages and so I understand, sympathize and relate 100%... a woman without children simply cannot understand the layered complexities... a woman without a child simply cannot. And there are several age factors at play and each one needs to be handled differently.
I called a family meeting last night. I invited my ex over and explained the situation from my point of view, from my daughter's point of view as well as the boys' point of view. He admitted that he was wrong. He saw that he was wrong. We had a long and very productive discussion. So please, do not make this about me... it is not.
Also anon - your note is riddled with typos and misspellings... It's rather hard to take you completely seriously.
well if he ever wants to know what he did wrong all he has to do is read this blog....if you really truly had your children's best interest at heart, you would not blog about this.
ReplyDeleteyou are all about promoting yourself as a "writer" ....just be honest.
poor kids
Dear Anonymous -
ReplyDeleteI am a writer and I am being honest and I am also all about sharing with others who have been in my situation and who are in my situation. My ex husband knows exactly how I feel. I was very honest and open... As were my children. I had him over last night and we all talked openly and frankly.
I've never not talked to my family about what I've written. I write about things that are hard to talk about and hard to discuss. Writing them and exposing my vulnerable side is not easy... but this is all stuff I wish I had known about... this is all stuff I wish I could have anticipated... If I can save someone else some pain and anguish then I have served my purpose.
I am open. I am vocal. I am a communicator. I talk about 5% of what happens in this family and no one has any right to judge me unless they know me personally and unless they've been with me and my journey these past couple of years.
Trust me, my private life is very, very private... My children's lives are very very private.
You do not have to read this or any future posts if you don't like them.
You do not have to like what I have to say.
You do not have to see eye to eye.
This is my experience and mine alone.
I am not looking for approval.
I am simply being honest and hoping to help others in a similar situation. And based from the many kind notes and emails I know I am doing just that.
Perhaps you ought to find some other blogs to read.
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI think this particular "anonymous" blogger is stalk this blog, waiting to bounce. I think she bounced on me once. I also have a strong feeling that she has played the role as "the other woman" at some point in her life because she is so ready to defend those that are hurting their families. I always, always read this blog because it gives me perspective on what I am going through personally. DO NOT let anyone tell you that you shouldn't be writing it. It is for all of us walking the path. Unfortunately,the path is littered with the bodies of those who easily criticize without the guts to post their names. Those with courage to move forward will just have to continue to step over them and keep walking. xo
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI think this particular "anonymous" blogger is stalk this blog, waiting to bounce. I think she bounced on me once. I also have a strong feeling that she has played the role as "the other woman" at some point in her life because she is so ready to defend those that are hurting their families. I always, always read this blog because it gives me perspective on what I am going through personally. DO NOT let anyone tell you that you shouldn't be writing it. It is for all of us walking the path. Unfortunately,the path is littered with the bodies of those who easily criticize without the guts to post their names. Those with courage to move forward will just have to continue to step over them and keep walking. xo
So you want to help others going down this path and to share your story. You do so at the risk of hurting your children far more than you are willing to admit.
DeleteHow long do you think it is going to be before one of their schoolmates or their parents stumble upon this site? Maybe they already have. How would your daughter react to knowing that you have betrayed her trust. Are you naive enough to think that these intimate details wouldn't surface among high schoolers?
In some twisted sence you have the ability to justify in your mind. If you really want an honest bell whether, imagine that tomorrow your child goes to school and she is confronted by a classmate over the writings in this blog... I think you know the answer.
Imagine a college admissions officer doing a google search on a candidate and her parents. It will still be there.... I think you know the answer.
Imagine a boyfriend comes across this blog.... I think you know the answer
Imagine your daughters boyfriend... Are you prepared to be the one responsible for the ramifications?
Dear Anon -
ReplyDeleteThank you for your concerns. I want it to be clear that whatever I write here is also discussed with my friends and family. There are many topics,whether related directly to the divorce or not, that are kept far, far from these pages. My daughter is comfortable enough to talk to me and her friends - in fact, just yesterday she got great insight from a school friend. She felt greatly helped by her friend's words.
The topic matter of this post had been openly discussed with my daughter as well as her father.
Most of my friends know about this blog. I hide it from no one.
I have encouraged my daughter to write one as well to talk about her point of view and her experiences to help other teenage girls. I have told her to write it anonymously and not to tell me her pen name or the title so that she can have the ultimate privacy and vent/talk/cry... etc...
I would have no problem with any employer/college reading this blog. In fact, I have submitted a few of these posts as writing samples. My lawyer is well aware of this site. I have openly discussed it with her.
I will never discuss my daughter's social life (or that of any of my children) on here. She doesn't have a boyfriend yet... thank goodness!!! When she's 30 I will allow her! I am kidding, of course. I have hidden nothing from my SO either... I am open and honest and candid. It is who and what I am. And if those I am with can't handle it then they can walk away from me. So far, my honesty, has been extremely well received and appreciated.
I have nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. I don't feel the need to hide. Again, the issues I feel private never appear on this site.
How is this any different from a memoir?
Dear Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI sympathize with you. Three weeks ago, my daughter and I were in a serious car accident (drunk driver in AM rush hour). I was taken to an ER I had never been to before and in the time I was unconscious, given a medication to which I have an allergy. By the time, I was stable, CPS had been called for my daughter and CPS then called my ex who sent his new girlfriend to the hospital to pick up our daughter. Our daughter had only met her once before, in a group of people her Dad described as friends. Now she's in the ER, scared, hurt (thankfully not seriously), and her mom is unconscious, but where's Dad? Admitedly, he sent his gf because she was closer (he works 90 minutes away). My daughter would not leave the hospital so the gf called her mother who came to the hospital to help watch DD until my ex got there. I woke in a hospital bed to find a woman I'd never seen before, holding my sleeping daughter on her lap.